“You are the toughest, bravest woman I know, Lyra. It's a lot, but I know you'll be ok. We'll get through this.” She sniffles, like she's holding back tears, looking down at her wringing hands. I cup her face to gently lift it up so that she's looking at me, because I need a better read on her. My chest goes from constricted to caving in at how pained her face is.
“Taran, I won't even be able to speak clearly for three months. I'll be eating through a straw for that long because my jaw is going to be wired shut. I won't be able to eat normally for another three months after that, only mush like a teething baby. I'm going to be a mess and there is no way you want to see me like that, let alone have a girlfriend you can't even take on a real date for months.” Her voice is throttled. My heart is ripping right down the middle that she thinks I wouldn't stick around through this.
“Do you really think any of that would scare me away? Lyra, I'm about to start training to be a nursing assistant in a month. I'll be helping out people I don't even know with their most basic daily needs. Why wouldn't I want to be here for you?”
“Because it's too much to ask of you!” It comes out loud and forceful, battering me in my chest with how anguished it sounds. “You have your full time job, your classes start in a month, and you're already taking so much care of your mom. I am not going to be another burden on your plate. You don’t think I notice when you tense up anytime I mention this surgery? I fail to see how this is going to work! You can easily find a girlfriend you won't have to tend to like an invalid for months.”
The tears are forming in her eyes, but it's frustration that is bubbling up in me, followed by fear. My jaw clenches to keep that frustration from pouring out without thinking. Her walls and self preservation instincts are kicking in and I hate it. She'd rather push me away than risk me not wanting to stick around through an extremely hard time in her life. This woman is so used to people failing her that she tries her very best to make sure no one else gets the chance.
“Don't do that, Lyra. I tense up because the thought of something happening to you makes me want to fall to my knees. Not because you would be a burden. If you genuinely want to break up with me for some reason, if I've done something, obviously I'm not going to overstay my welcome. Don't you dare do it out of some misplaced notion that you'd be doing me a favor, or helping me, because breaking up is the absolute last thing I want.” Her eyes narrow at that, and her chin lifts.
“What if it's what I want? What if I don't want an audience for how much of a swollen, numb, drooling mess I'm going to be for months? When I'm not well, Taran, I'm like an animal who just wants to curl up in a corner to be left alone. What if I want to be left alone?”
“Whenever you need some space to be alone, I will happily give you some space. That is not an issue, and youknow it. Ending this thing between us for no reason, because you think I'll be better off? You don't get to play the martyr with my heart. You also don't get to push me away before I've had a chance to fail you like so many others. I will never fucking fail you, my Firecracker. I'm standing here telling you I want to be here for you. It would actually pretty much destroy me to not be here for you.” My breaths are coming out shallow as I try to get her to see what she means to me. It feels like my lungs are barely working under the weight of her wanting to end things.
“Why, Taran? I'm tired of being a burden to people. If my parents hadn't been so focused on me and getting me well, maybe they could have saved their marriage. Maybe my dad wouldn't have strayed or become so angry. Maybe they would have been able to focus more on my little brother to make sure he was ok, rather than constantly fussing over me.” She flaps a dismissive hand, like these aren't even valid feelings, before scrubbing that hand down her face. Then she focuses on me again, her eyes a little bloodshot, the usually bright flecks dim. “This is all stuff I've worked on with my therapist, but it will always be in the back of my mind. I'm not doing it again. I don't want you to put living your life to the fullest on hold for me after you told me you've already put so much on hold for the past 10 years. You have enough on your plate, and you do enough for other people. We've only been officially dating for a few weeks, and have only known each other for a couple of months, you should not have to deal with me being barely functional for half of this coming year. How can I expect you to stay?” She's trying to not cry and keep her face cold, but I see the shine in her eyes and the way everything in her face is tight with pain.
“Because I love you, Lyra!” I almost roar it, both fromfrustration and how fervently I mean it. She goes stock still for a second before her face completely crumples, and she buries it in her hands while her shoulders shake. I gently move her hands and lift her chin up to meet my eyes before I press on.
“I love you to pieces. I'll say it a million times until it gets through to you. Pretty sure I've loved you from the moment you rolled your eyes and opened your mouth to sass me the first time we met. You've been in every thought since then. You are NOT a burden. Getting to know you and being with you is the happiest I've ever been. That means ALL of you, even when things are tough and you're going through something. We just got started, and I am not abandoning this incredible thing we have at the first sign of trouble. I will be there all week at the hospital with you.”
She sniffles as I keep her eyes on me, and my thumbs brush the tears from her cheeks. Then I bring her closer because I need to hug the hell out of this beautiful, stubborn, amazing woman. Her body slumps, the fight leaving her as she leans into me.
“I will be there to figure out how to make pureed pasta and sauce taste good so that you don't have to go without Italian food for six months. We can learn as much sign language as we can for you to say important things quickly, since you won't be able to really move your mouth to talk easily. Anything we don't know, I'll make sure you always have your phone on hand to text or type notes. I will be there every step of the way, my pretty Firecracker. You will have to try much, much harder than that to get rid of me,” I whisper in her ear. She hugs me back, burrowing into my chest with a choked sob. Then she pulls away enough to look up at me through wet lashes, and takes a steadying breath.
“I love you, too, Taran. So fucking much.” Her voice is clear and unwavering through her tears as she says it, and my heart that was cracking slowly starts stitching itself back together. She cups my face and runs her thumbs along my cheekbones, and I lean into the touch.
“You're endlessly kind and funny. In spite of the tough times you've gone through, you've never become pessimistic or jaded, which is some of the biggest strength I've ever seen. You somehow always know the right things to say to me, and put me at ease. Being at ease is not my default by any means, and yet you do that. You're so genuinely good that I keep wondering how you're real. The way you make me feel wholly cherished is something I have never experienced before in my life. It scares the hell out of me, because after everything that's happened, I wasn't even sure I was built for this. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I tried to push you away the first moment a challenge hit us. What's the old saying? If you love someone, set them free? I thought it would be the right thing to do, because you deserve the world, not my mess.” The words come out in such a passionate rush that I'm struck dumb at first. Her mesmerizing face is so earnest, vulnerable, and achingly beautiful that I feel my heart beat more strongly just for her. Hearing those three little words out of her mouth soothes me to my very soul. So I press a kiss to her forehead and hold her closer.
“Your mess is my mess, sweetheart. You've supported me with my mom, and with going back to school, so I'd say my mess is yours, too. The important thing is to keep talking it out. We're both going to have a lot on our plates, we'll see each other through it all. I know it feels like forever, but you'll be back to feeling like yourself, and with a freaking cool bionic jaw to boot, in six months. You'll kickthis surgery's ass. I'm all in with you, you hear me? You will never, ever have to feel alone.”
She nods into my chest as she sighs, and I start to breathe more easily. I breathe in her rose scent, twist her curls around my fingers, and she winds her arm around my neck to play with my hair at the nape. Our breathing is shared, lips inches apart, while we just look at each other and let the words we put out into the air settle inside our very bones. Her eyes are back to being those brilliant galaxies again, cheeks pink, and full lips so kissable there's no way I can go a second longer. She meets me halfway, and this kiss is everything. It's affirming, sweet, loving, longing, as we angle our heads to deepen it. She arches into me so that there isn't a centimeter of space between us. We're both pouring everything we have in our hearts into it, sealing the declarations we just made. Talking through our first big hurdle like this is the foundation for something real and lasting, like my dad and mom had.
Chapter 26
Lyra
The weeks leading up to the holidays pass by in an absolute blur of work, shopping, baking, and spending as much time as possible with Taran. That night he came over and called me on my shit, he broke something fragile in me and built it right back up stronger. Built our relationship back up stronger. He makes me feel like it's ok for me to just be me, differences and all, without trying to mask anything. There's this deep sense of security that he will always have my back, just like I will always have his. Only my sister and Gina have ever made me feel that level of security before. It's overwhelming, healing, scary, and wonderful.
We've managed to squeeze in some festive get togethers with Gina and her family, Evelyn, and the Hernandez clan to celebrate Christmas with them before they all do their own things. Gina and Wayne always have a big Christmas Eve at her family's house, before a quiet Christmas morning and then having Wayne's family over. Alejandra and Hector will have all of their kids and some aunts, uncles and cousins for a big family dinner at their house. Evelyn isactually taking a last minute trip to California to have her first Christmas with Seth, Sienna, and the kids in years. She's been doing so much better, although she still has to be careful about what she eats and take her medication. The doctor cleared her, and Seth offered to fly her out if she wanted. He offered to fly me and Taran out too, but I already had booked my ticket to my sister's. So we celebrated early with our loved ones here with tons of food and sweets. The dozens upon dozens of mamoul and snickerdoodle cookies I made are long gone, except for a tin reserved for going with me to Texas. Jeanie has FaceTimed to meet Taran, but she, Charlie, and the kids are dying to meet him in person, so he immediately accepted her invite to come with me. We managed to get him one of the last seats on the same flight as me, although we don't have seats together. It's going to be full to the max at the LeFevre household since my nephews will be home from college with their girlfriends, along with my niece who still lives there, plus us. If he's nervous about meeting everyone at once, he doesn't show it. He seems more excited than anything, which is not surprising in the least. His hub boss was really good about giving him the 4 days around Christmas off so he can come, since Taran so rarely asks for time off.
It's two days before Christmas when we're getting ready to leave that morning. I just dropped Brody off at Gina's, since they will mostly be home and able to take care of him during the school winter break. Their yard is perfect, and since they don't have any pets yet, the kids are so excited he'll be there. Taran is getting last minute things packed for us at my place after he got his suitcase mostly packed at his apartment yesterday. I'm one of those people that would rather be at the airport three hours early thancut it close, so we're leaving soon to get to Newark for our 11:00 am flight. When I walk in the house, he's humming ‘Carol of the Bells’ dramatically and dancing around while bringing our luggage to the door. When he sees me come in, he grabs my hand to twirl me before he brings me in close.
“Hello to you, too,” I laugh
“Hi,” he says softly before dropping a quick kiss on my lips. “Brody settle in ok at Gina and Wayne's house?”
“He's stayed there before and loved it, the kids always run him ragged. She'll send lots of updates.” He nods before he indicates our suitcases that are probably way too full for a four night trip. The weather in Texas is temperamental right now, so we packed lots of layers and options.
“I divided the presents, cookie tin, and cards evenly in our suitcases so that hopefully neither of them weigh too much. How did we end up packing so much?”
“Wardrobe options, baby. We'll be doing everything from playing pickleball to nice dinners, all in unpredictable weather. Plus presents and cookies.” I pop up to give him another quick kiss before I start my usual anxiety induced final walkthrough of the house before we leave. Everything is off, valuables locked away, small appliances and lamps unplugged. Taran calls for a rideshare and it's not that long before we're at the airport, through check in and security, and waiting at our gate. We grab food and coffee since we're fairly early, though I'm glad we left plenty of time since the security line was no joke. The flight takes around 4 hours before we touch down in Houston. I end up in the aisle a few rows ahead of Taran during the flight, so I'm able to look back and catch his gaze sometimes in between reading and napping. Looking for Charlie's pick up truck in the passenger pick up zone once we get our luggage is hilarious and difficult since everyone andtheir mother drives a silver pick up in Texas, but we find each other. He gives me a bear hug when he gets out to help put our luggage in the back, and shakes Taran's hand warmly when I introduce them. Charlie is a big guy at around 6'2, which is hilarious since my sister is barely my height. It was one of the proudest moments of my life when I edged her out by 1/4 inch. His hair is mostly silver, he has a trim goatee, and his blue eyes are almost always bright with good humor. He's basically a teddy bear. As we drive to their house, he peppers us with questions about the flight, what's new with me, asks the typical getting to know you questions to Taran. They fall into easy conversation in the front seat while I just listen with a smile in the back. I can tell they'll get along famously.
The LeFevres live about 30 minutes outside the city in a house that would be an absolute fortune in New Jersey, but is much more affordable here. My sister jokes that they're Texas rich but New Jersey poor. It's got wonderful landscaping that I admire as we pull up. The front is decked out so festively, my sister goes to town every year while still keeping it low key and tasteful. The gray stucco exterior is trimmed in white lights along the roof, as are the trees and bushes in the raised bed to the right of the front porch. The white front door has a huge, lovely wreath and red bow adorning it, with two small trees flanking it that are also covered in white lights. When we open the front door, the sounds of soft music and boisterous conversation reach me.
“We're here, party can start now!” I half yell over the noise in greeting. I hear a little squeal, and my niece Bianca comes barreling toward me from the kitchen, with her brothers following closely behind. I squeeze my niece while she chatters excitedly, her light brown waves bouncing around her face while her nose piercing catches the light.Then I'm engulfed by my way too big nephews James and Grady. They have both reached around their dad's height and I feel like a little lost gnome next to them. All three of the kids have the same thick, wavy, light brown hair and big blue eyes. Grady and Bianca share my sister's icy blue shade though, while James has more of the ocean blue of Charlie. Bianca gives Taran an effusive hug in greeting, while the boys do the one armed bro hugs complete with back slapping. Charlie and the boys then grab our bags and haul them into the office for us, where we'll be on the pullout couch, as my sister comes out of the kitchen to hug us both hello. The soothing, well known jasmine scent of her shampoo and soap washes over me while we hug, and I sigh in contentment with being around so many people I deeply love. She asks about our travel day, and I tell her about the man snoring in the center seat next to me. I ask if she needs help with anything and she shakes her head.
“Charlie is going to be a cooking machine tomorrow and Christmas Day, so tonight we'll head out to the Mexican place we like. We have a reservation at 7, so you have plenty of time to take a breath, shower the travel off if you want, and hang out before we go. Why don't we show Taran around real quick?”
