“That’s why it’s one of my favorite places to hang out. That, and my obvious bromance with Gage.”
“So you’re not much for crowded bars either?” she asks with a laugh.
“Nah, I got over that scene quickly after it was legal for me to even be at the clubs and bars. I’d rather be outdoors in the quiet for the most part. I think it comes with having a loud, crowded house growing up. It made me appreciate my solitude more.” She nods thoughtfully.
“I’m the same, but I think it’s more because I’ve had both, and solitude is so much easier, even if it gets lonely sometimes. I was an only child until I was 8. Then in my first placement in the system, I got a foster sister and foster brother and it was a shock. He was their older, biological child and hated me and my foster sister. He made life so miserable for us that we were placed in another home fairly quickly. Luckily it was together, because my foster sister Celeste and I are still close.” Her warm chocolate eyes are unfocused and far away, clearly dwelling on her past.
This woman. Little by little, I’m starting to piece her together. She’s experienced such unthinkable loss, and been through so much, that now she simply avoids things that give even a whiff of possibility of experiencing more pain. It’s not just about avoiding a mess at work, it’s protecting her peace at all costs in every aspect of her life. She finds control and peace in her art, something no person or circumstance can take from her or change about her. Her dream is to help other people express themselves and bring them joy through her art on their skin. The cats immediately wormed their way into her heart when they showed up at work, so I think it’s just humans she’s scared to love and then lose. It shifts my selfish view that instead of being skittish and mistrustful of me as a potential boyfriend, it’s more that she’s afraid of the potential painof any close relationship she goes into. She needs time to know whether it will be worth that possibility of pain. I’ll happily give her that time.
“That’s completely understandable. So where is Celeste now? You said you’re still close?” She shifts, and I know another truth that’s hard for her is coming. She lifts her chin, already looking a little defiant, daring me to judge her before she’s even spoken.
“She’s had a tougher life than me. She was in the system for years and years before she was placed in the same home I was. Our second foster family together got her a little help, but it wasn’t enough. She still has a lot of anger and big feelings she doesn’t know how to handle, and she’s always been a brawler. A few months ago, she was groped at a bar and repeatedly told the guy to fuck off. He didn’t, he kept grabbing her and bothering her. She beat the crap out of him, because unwanted touching is triggering for her and he wouldn’t stop in spite of her protests. Like, she knocked out some teeth, that’s how hard she went. Turns out he’s some state senator’s son with big connections. He pressed aggravated assault charges, and she’s been in jail because the bail is too high for me to pay. Her defense attorney was horrifically incompetent and doesn’t think anything can be done to lessen her sentence or get the charges lowered on an appeal after the first judge brought down the hammer.” It immediately clicks why she was looking up NY defense attorneys that day a couple of weeks ago.
“You want to help her.” It’s not a question. She nods. I’m learning that Tania will go to the ends of the earth for people she loves, and it makes me ache for her even more.
“I’m trying to find a good defense attorney that will take her case pro bono because they believe her and want to help. I know it’ll be like attempting to find a unicorn,but I have to try. Her sentence is 3 years. She’s been picked up for fighting before and been slapped with community service, not 3 years in prison.” I don’t want to give her false hope without talking to my dad, but I’m sure he knows people, either in his firm or that he went to law school with, who would take Celeste’s case. In the meantime, I’ll just support her however she needs.
“She’s lucky to have you, Tania.”
“I’m lucky to have her too, she saved me when I was growing up. In the first home we were in, that foster brother hated us so much that he got violent. She took the brunt of it to protect me, and she’s had my back ever since. This is the least I can do. It’s important to me,” she says quietly. Celeste took the brunt of it, but that means Tania still experienced some violence toward her from this asshole. My fists clench and she notices. I’d really like to find out who he is and show him what violence is, but this is ancient history that Tania probably doesn’t want to dredge back up. I keep my voice much more placid than I’m feeling right now.
“Then I’ll do whatever I can to help. I’m sure I can figure out something.” I really hope there is some way my dad can help me find an attorney for her. She looks at me with uncertainty.
“You’re not judging me for having a foster sister in jail?”
“Of course not! Give me some credit, Castillo. You have no idea some of the crazy shit I’ve done. I’m in no position to judge anyone. I want to see her get out of jail quickly because it sounds like bullshit that she was sentenced like that.” She nods, looking like she’s fighting back tears. Her hand comes to my shoulder as she looks up at me with those shining, chocolate eyes through thick lashes.
“You’re one of the really good ones, Hernandez,” she says quietly. My heart thumps rapidly at her touch and her words. I don’t know how to respond in a way that won’t have her running for the hills like, “please don’t ever move out,” or “you’re the most beautiful, wonderful person I’ve ever met in my life.” The band luckily saves me and starts one of my favorite cumbia songs, so I give her a smile.
“Want to dance? You were lured here with the promise of seeing my moves.” She nods solemnly.
“That’s the only reason I’m here, so let’s get out there.” I lead her onto the floor with my hand on the small of her back. When I find a spot that has some breathing room, I bring her into a hold, my left hand holding her right, and my right arm banded below her shoulder blades. The music starts to pulse through me as I lead her into the steps. She stays right with me, her hips swaying, her feet in perfect unison with mine. We dance like we’ve been doing this our whole lives together. It’s effortless. Her body is pure relaxed warmth as she moves in my arms, and I want nothing more than to dance with her like this forever. We dance a few fast songs in a row, enjoying the upbeat music and letting it move through us. Then the band switches to a slow, quiet tune and we sway a little closer.
“I feel like I’ve been mislead,” I tell her with a playful pout. She laughs. We have our faces close to each other’s ear so we can talk more easily over the music and noise, and her amazing floral scent permeates my nostrils.
“You thought you’d be teaching me? I was dancing in clubs with Celeste before it was even legal for me to be there. I love her to death, but we got into trouble together sometimes.”
“What’s the worst trouble you’ve ever been in?” I ask her. She tilts her head like she’s thinking.
“One time I shoplifted while I was with her. Our fosterparents were really strict about us not having any sweets at home, but I was dying for some chocolate because it was that time of the month. Celeste and I went to the drugstore to get me supplies, but didn’t have enough to get ourselves chocolate on top of what I needed. So we both took candy bars, but she put them in her pockets. She got caught and took the fall, said I had no idea she had stolen anything. They weren’t too fussed over a couple of teenagers taking candy, just told us to get out and not come back unless we planned on paying for everything. She was so upset when we got home, took me by the shoulders, and told me that I was better than that and to not be like her. ‘I’ve been setting the worst example for you, and I’m sorry,’ she said. I felt so horrible about it that I scrounged up the change from couch cushions and stuff by the following week, and I went in and dropped what we owed on the counter when nobody was looking, even though they got the candy back from her. We didn’t get in much trouble after that while we were together, she always made bad decisions when she wasn’t with me. Except for taking me to clubs underage, of course, she considered that education.” I feel her nuzzle into me a little before she continues. Her soft laugh coasts across my chest.
“She pointed out how to be safe at a bar by always keeping my drink covered, red flags in guys to watch out for, how to dance. Her constant refrain was to do as she said, not as she did, and that I was a better person than her. It made me nuts as much as I adore her.” She gives a helpless shrug in my arms, seemingly not sure how I’ll react to her absolutely heinous crimes. I hold her tighter in response.
“What about you? Get into any trouble as a kid?” she asks, clearly wanting the spotlight off of her now.
“I think the worst was probably in school, I was alwaysa cut up and disturber of the peace in class. The only thing that saved me from being completely hopeless was that I still managed to get good grades. Once, I got caught with Taran and a few of the girls from the dance team smoking up behind the bleachers after practice. That was a fun call to the parents, we all had to do a ton of detention. It was the first time any of my siblings had to do detention, my parents were so disappointed that I broke the streak.” She chuckles and shakes her head.
“Sounds like you were just a normal teenager, at least you didn’t steal something,” she says ruefully. With the way her cheeks go a little pink, it hits me that this confident woman is ashamed. She’s embarrassed about her rough childhood, of not having much family, of not having what people consider a normal upbringing. That’s a fantastic addition to the guilt I learned she carries about her parents. There is so much swimming almost violently beneath her sweet, confident, and beautiful surface that it’s a wonder how she holds herself together. It means everything that I’ve been able to get beyond the shiny facade she puts on so well. I want to see it all, help hold some of the pieces and keep them safe for her if they do crack a little like they did last night. I bring her closer into me, my hand a firm guide on her back, as we stay in time with the music. She doesn’t push me away as I lean in to speak into her ear.
“Listen to me. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I was a little shit who constantly caused trouble, and still am to this day to some extent. You were an angel who felt so badly about stealing a candy bar that you went back to make it right. From what I’ve seen, you are always trying to do the right thing, and you’ve got the most incredible heart beating inside you. Got it?” She drops her forehead to mychest and slowly nods against it before looking back up at me with shining eyes.
“Thank you,” she whispers near my ear. “You’ve got the most incredible heart too, you know? There is so much more to you than you give yourself credit for, Carlo. I need you to know how much I like and appreciate you, ok? The way you helped me last night, and are treating me right this moment. You turned a crappy situation where I was about to be homeless into one of the best situations of my life, and it means the world. You’ve quickly become one of my favorite people to be around. If you’re ok with it, just be patient with me, please? I don’t really know how to do any of this, and I don’t want to screw it up or ruin our friendship.” The music goes into an even slower, more sensual song, and I look at her to gauge her reaction as I bring her flush to me to move together almost as one. She doesn’t pull away.
“You could never screw things up with me. I’ll be as patient as you need, there’s no pressure. We’ll figure things out as we go, yeah?” She melts into me on a nod, and I tuck her head under my chin as my hand runs a soothing pattern up and down her back. Our bodies sway so closely that I feel entirely surrounded by her. I can feel the rustle of the fabric of her dress against my clothes, the rise and fall of her chest as she breathes, smell her shampoo and perfume, hear her quiet sigh as she leans further into me. All I want is to be surrounded by her like this from now on. The next song is a slow one too, and we don’t move from where we are. We stay out on the floor for several more songs before we sip some water and call it a night.
When we get back home, the cats eagerly greet us and we do our usual nighttime routine that we have so easily fallen into since she moved in. She emerges from thebathroom all washed, makeup free, and stunning in her tank and shorts sleep set as I am heading into my room from the kitchen after grabbing some water for my bedside table. I’m only in my athletic shorts over my boxer briefs since we’re past the point of me trying to be modest and wear a shirt around here now. We wish each other a goodnight with a hug, and she tips up onto her toes to kiss my cheek, thanking me for a fun night. I go into my room, Gomez on my heels, and get under the covers while he settles at my feet. A minute later, I hear the softest knock on my ajar door. She’s leaning on the door frame, her face open and vulnerable.
Without a word, I scoot over to make room for her in bed. She shoots me a grateful smile and pads to the other side of the bed, sliding in next to me. I tuck her into my side, and we both exhale simultaneously, like the contact is a relief. The feel of her warm, silky skin as I rub a soothing pattern up and down her arm settles me, and the smell of her white tea and jasmine shampoo that sits in the shower will hopefully forever permeate the pillow. She’s out within minutes, her breathing even and deep, her hand on my chest over my heart. Morticia jumps onto the bed to sleep by Tania’s head, and it’s the first time we’ve all shared a bed. It’s a little slice of family that I never want to end. My arm bands more tightly around her, like I’m afraid she’ll go away, and I drop a kiss to the top of her head. I want to become a soft place to land for her after everything she’s been through, and all I can do is hope she lets me.
