“There will be no drama at work, Tania. I don’t see things going badly, seeing as I like you more and more each second I spend with you, but even if they do we can still be professional and friendly at work.”
“How can you possibly know that?” she challenges.
“Because the past few weeks with you have been the best of my life, and I’m willing to work my ass off to make sure it continues like that!” My efforts to keep my voice calm are failing, since panic is starting to fully set in. I can feel my chest tightening, and it’s getting a little harder to breath
“They’ve been the best of my life too, Carlo,” she says, her face softening, wistfulness tingeing her voice. “What happens if all of the work doesn’t keep things together, though? I stopped looking for an apartment, and while I’m in a much better place now, it’s hard to find one. What if we’re not able to be civil and professional at work if thingsget really bad? I’ll be homeless again and possibly without a job.”
“That won’t happen,” I tell her firmly. “I respect you too much for things to truly go off the rails, even if we end up going back to being friends or friendly acquaintances again. I’d help see you through anything bad that could happen, no matter what our status is. Just like I did when you asked for my help weeks ago.”
“When he said those things, it all hit me like a freight train that I’ve left myself completely unguarded with you,” she explains, her voice pitching higher with emotion. “No backup plan for living elsewhere and my worries about having a workplace romance completely forgotten. If something happens where I lose my job because we’re together I won’t be able to support myself. I’ve been so swept up in how amazing things have been that all of those very real concerns went out the window. It’s terrifying, Carlo.” I move closer and smooth my hands up and down her arms, one hand drifting up to cup her face and swipe the errant tear on her cheek.
“What can I do to make you less terrified? I can tell you until I’m blue in the face that I will never, ever, let anything bad happen to you, no matter what. I think I’ve backed it up with my actions. Tell me what to do, Tania. You’re terrifying me, because you sound like you’ve got one foot out the door when we’ve barely started.” My throat is constricted, my words throttled. They’re also coming out frustrated because just as things were starting to come together in my life, she’s having second thoughts. I get it, really I do. It’s fucking killing me anyway. She looks down and scrubs her hand down her face. Her shoulders slump, some of the fight or flight panic in her leaving.
“You have backed it up with your actions. I’m not sure why what he said is making me spiral when you’ve beennothing but incredible. Please know it’s not just you, I am well aware of how messed up I am and how easily I could drive you away for good.”
“Don’t you see, mi sueño? You kept me at a distance for a long time, and you know what? I’m still here. I never stopped seeing you or wanting you, even when it was painful to look at you. Now that we’ve been building something so wonderful do you think you could ever drive me away? We’ve seen the messier parts of each other and we’re both still in this together. I know in the deepest part of my soul that it will only get better from here and we can make it work.” She sniffs and nods a little, hope filling her eyes, so I continue.
“Everything you’ve said is completely valid. I don’t want you to feel like you have no safety net. What can I do?” She rests her hand on my forearm, her eyes solemn as they lock with mine.
“You’ve done everything to make me feel safe and secure, above and beyond what I could have ever asked for.” She looks down, taking a few breaths and nodding to herself, as if coming to some decision. “If the worst happens, I do have a little bit of savings. My tattoo shop mentor and his wife might be willing to take me in, though they live far away from work and where I want to be. Don has kind of soured me toward working at that hub, maybe it wouldn’t be the end of the world to leave and find something else. Then our relationship won’t be an issue. I’m almost done with my apprenticeship, and then I can pursue being a full time tattoo artist.” Relief floods my system like a tidal wave.
“You’re not going to leave? If we’re going to do this, I need you to fight for us too, not run away scared. Please, Tania,” I ask hoarsely.
“No, I’m not going to leave,” she whispers. I movecloser and fit my hands to her waist while dropping my forehead to hers.
“Thank fuck. I promise I will never give you a reason to leave. I will always want you in my life, in this apartment, in my bed.” She lets out a shaky exhale, the warm breath tickling my throat as she searches my face intensely.
“That’s a whole lot of pretty promises, Carlo. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve them, but I’ll make some of my own. I promise I won’t run away scared. If shit goes down, we’ll talk like adults and see if we can work through it. I’ll always be there for you the way you’ve been there for me the past few weeks.” Then her gorgeous face breaks into a wry smile. “I also promise joint custody of the cats if worse comes to worst, which it won’t. They’ve become so attached to you, it would be tragic to take that away from them. Gomez is just getting back to his normal self as your shadow, we can’t risk another big change for him.”
“It would be absolutely tragic, we must stay together for the kids,” I tell her dramatically, hand over my heart, getting a bigger smile out of her. Then I pull her into my arms and wrap her up tightly, dropping a kiss to the top of her head. I’m almost shaking with relief that she’s staying, and can’t help breathing her in. Tania has become the person that makes me feel like I’m more than a good time, and can be taken seriously. I’ve so rarely found that level of acceptance with anyone, because even my family sometimes has made me feel less than. To lose her would be completely devastating.
“It will all work out, mi sueño. Don is an asshole who knows nothing. Don’t let him get to you with his power trips,” I whisper into her silky hair. She hugs me back, burrowing her head into my chest. I stroke her hair and run my hand down her back in soothing patterns, loving how she starts to melt and breathe normally.
“If this is how we talk things out and work on things, you are absolutely right,” she hums, sounding happy. I murmur my agreement. Just as I am about to kiss her, both of our stomachs gurgle with hunger, making us lose it laughing.
“That is clearly my cue to ask what you’re in the mood to have for dinner. We’ve been busy talking when you must be starving after work. There are still leftover pupusas.”
“I think your mom sent us home with enough for a whole month. We made so many,” she says with a laugh. “I could definitely eat, I’ll go turn the oven on.”
We quickly get them in the oven, and I try to reclaim the moment before our stomachs decided to protest. Taking out my phone, I turn on some Norah Jones and pull Tania toward me by the hand. Her eyes go bright and sparkle up at me as I bring her into my arms to lead her in a gentle sway around the kitchen.
“There, that’s better. This is how our evenings should start,” I rumble into her ear. She sighs and nods.
“Absolutely,” she agrees. We keep swaying around while dinner heats up, and when the song ends I twirl her into a deep dip. My lips meet hers, and there is a new layer to it after we more openly talked about where our respective heads are at. Her arms wind around my neck and I slant my head to deepen the kiss. Our tongues tangle, and it’s only the timer beeping that manages to bring me back down to earth. We take out the pupusas and dress them with the toppings before diving in. The cats have been watching us since Tania got home, and now they’re circling like vultures demanding their dinner. Tania gets up and feeds them once she finishes eating, and we quickly clean up the kitchen.
Once everything is situated I switch songs on my phone and pull her to me again. I’m eager to pick up where weleft off before the timer went off. She smiles as we start swaying again, and I lower my head to taste that stunning smile. She kisses me back, her hands raking through my hair before lacing around my neck to deepen it. I lift her so her legs also wrap around me, cupping her glorious ass while our tongues move together feverishly. Again, I feel like this is different from how we’ve ever kissed before. It’s as though there’s been a layer peeled away between us and now we get to be with each other in full technicolor. The glowing olive of her skin, the shine of her silky black hair, the brightness of her beautiful brown eyes, her quickening breaths, the feel of her in my arms, it’s all heightened for me. I wonder if it’s the same for her. She’s looking at me like it is when we pull away to breathe. Her eyes are glazed, lips puffy and pink, and I am gone. I start carrying her toward the bedroom as she clings to me like a koala, a giggle escaping her at my purposeful steps.
“Is this ok? Are we doing this?”
“Oh yes,” she replies, kissing my neck.
“You’re sure?”
“Very.”
I shut the door so as not to have any kitty voyeurs and let her down, making sure she slides against every inch of me, feeling how much I want her. She reaches for my pants to untie the drawstring while I reach back to pull my shirt over my head. Then I gently lift her uniform top over her head while she kicks out of her pants. I kick off mine too, and only our underwear is between us. She clocks the growing and painfully hard bulge in my black boxer briefs and her pupils blow wide open. Her pink lace panties and matching bra have my mouth watering. I notice two small tattoos, one on her right side just above her hip, and one just above her bra on the left by her heart, that I must have missed when I was half asleep and buried between hersweet thighs. Her sleep shirt had still been on, now that I think about it. This isn’t the time to ask about them, but I’m curious about the cluster of stars on her side, and I can guess at the meaning of the P & V 7/27/04 over her heart. I do another slow perusal of her perfection before bringing her closer and bracketing her face.
“You are so stunning, mi sueño,” I breathe as we start kissing again. It’s languid and searching this time, like we’re discovering each other all over again with our layers stripped away. This is raw, honest, and I can’t get enough. My hand drifts down to cup her ass and her breath hitches.
