I tighten my grip on Jeremy’s shirt and turn back to him. “Fuck. Off.” His ass hits the sand with one quick shove and I walk away.
Instead of returning to the guys, I head for the parking lot. I need to clear my mind and being around a large crowd isn’t going to do that. When I get to Tyler’s Jeep I prop up against the spare tire and put my head in my hands. Dacen and I broke up—and let me finally be honest with myself and admit it was a break up because we were together—for reasons I thought made sense. Not the Jeremy shit, I obviously made a huge mistake with that. But the other stuff, that things didn’t stand a chance in the long run and he deserves better than me, it made sense. He does deserve better, but there is not one single cell in my body that doesn’t miss Dacen and doesn’t want him back. I wish I could rewind time, all the way back to the first day of soccer camp, and rewrite history. But that’s not possible.
I sigh and drag my hands down my face. “Shit a brick.”
“I’d rather not,” a voice responds from about two feet away. I whip my head up and Dacen appears at my side a second later. “That sounds wicked painful.”
“Dacen.”
“Ryne.”
My eyes drink him up like I’ve been walking through the desert for two weeks and he’s the last glass of water on the planet. He’s dressed casual, wearing jeans and an olive green long-sleeve t-shirt, and brown boots. The moon plays off the lighter strands of his dark blond hair, and his eyes, more silvery blue right now, are bright as the moonlight glances off his profile. My gaze drops to the hollow of his throat and I swallow hard. It’s one of my favorite spots and countless times I’ve swirled my tongue over it and felt his pulse jump and flicker. Jesus, he’s gorgeous. I drag my eyes back up to his face.
“I’m sorry if I caused a scene back there.”
He shrugs. “Jeremy’s an asshole, though I know I don’t have to tell you that, and he deserved it. I think you finally hit the point home for him this time.”
“What makes you say that?”
Dacen smirks. “Because he flipped me off as he stumbled away.”
I chuckle and shake my head. If there’s any silver lining to all this, it’s Jeremy leaving Dacen the hell alone. But I don’t want that to be the only good thing that comes from the time we spent together. It took me damn long enough to admit it, but I really like Dacen. A lot. I don’t want to lose him. I clear my throat and shove all my pride aside. I fucked up and it’s time to fix it.
“Do you think maybe we can, I don’t know, hang out sometime or something?”
Dacen’s smirk drops off and he kind of sags back against the Jeep beside me. “I can’t, Ryne. I can’t just be your friend. I can’t sit there while you’re all ‘hey, dude, bruh, how’s it hanging?’ and watch you eventually date someone else. Oh, my bad, not date. Just ‘mess around with.’” He uses air quotes around the last sentence. He’s still hurt, and clearly still pissed. But damn it, he’s so gorgeous when he’s being a sarcastic sassy ass and I miss him so much. I bite back a smile; it would so not help my case right now.
“I would never say ‘how’s it hanging?’” I can’t help it, my lips twitch and break out into a grin.
His eyebrows pinch together and he glares at me stonily. “Don’t stand there and try to smooth things over with your cute face, Ryne. Rare and hot as your smiles are, they aren’t the antidote to this shit fest.”
My smile falters and my heart drops. “That’s not what I was—”
“Whatever,” he interrupts and stands up straight again, turning to face me. “I can’t do this, okay? I’m not a masochist, Ryne. I just wanted to come over and thank you for getting Jeremy off my back.” He stares at the ground and kicks at a few pebbles. “I should go.”
“Dacen wait.” I reach for him but pause when an unreadable expression darkens his profile.
“It’s just Becker now, remember?”
It’s notJust Beckerand it never really was. “Dacen,” I repeat with emphasis. “I know I made some mistakes—”
“Yeah,” he bites out. “Ya did.”
My lips purse and hot blood courses through my veins. “Would you listen, give me a chance to explain.”
“Oh, like you gavemethat chance at camp? And with Jeremy? Nah.” He jerks his head back and forth tightly.
I sigh and stare up at the sky. The stars mock me, looking all bright and happy while I’m here floundering. My nostrils flare and I take a harsh, shaky breath through my teeth. While I appreciate that Dacen is standing up for himself, my limited patience is wearing very thin. “Look,” I pause a moment before continuing. He begrudgingly keeps his trap shut this time. “I messed up, over and over again. I’m a stubborn asshole. I get it. And I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, Dacen. I was confused and scared, have been for a long time really, deep down. I didn’t know what I wanted. But I realized then when my mo—” He cuts me off before I can tell him about Paige.
“But that’s the thing, Ryne. I don’t think you’ve worked out all your head-shit yet.” He makes a circular motion in front of my face. It pisses me off a little because who really ever has all their head-shit figured out? Show me that person and I’ll show you a liar. “I mean, are you still planning to try to make a career out of soccer?”
Adrenaline dumps into my bloodstream at the question. “Yeah,” I mutter. The urge to flee from this topic is strong and I have to mentally tamp it down.
“And that’s what you really want?” When I don’t respond he shakes his head. “I think you still don’t know what you want, Ryne. Or rather, you do but you’re not being honest with yourself about some of it and you won’t open up to me. I’m not gonna be yanked around while you try to figure it out. It’s too hard and it hurts too damn much.” He stares at me long and hard, then turns to walk away. I grab his wrist to stop him and he pivots back around slowly. I have to swallow three times before I can speak, and my voice is still thick with emotion when I do.
“I miss you.”
I think I love him. Goosebumps break out all down my arms. I definitely do.
