At the end of the hour, I was at least exhausted enough to stumble upstairs, take another quick shower, and fall into bed. I was asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow but tossed and turned all night. When my alarm went off in the morning all my blankets were on the floor and my legs were tangled in my sheet.
Wednesday morning Dacen seemed back to his normal self. He didn’t exactly brush me off when I asked him how he was doing, he more so glossed over it. He seems embarrassed and I don’t know how to convince him he’s got nothing to be embarrassed about. And other than one brief moment when Evan asked him how he was doing, in a very non-Evanlike manner, and Dacen tensed up a bit, you’d never know looking at the guy he gets panic attacks.
Friday night is finally here and we’re all tailgating before the home football game. This time Dacen and his friends—minus Jeremy—are with us, and rather than awkwardly staring at each other across the parking lot, Dacen and I awkwardly stare at each other across my tailgate. The awkwardness isn’t from what happened on Tuesday, it’s that we’re surrounded by people and clearly would rather be kissing each other’s faces off right now. It would be comical, but for the inconvenience of having to subtly rearrange myself every so often. Dacen and Noah walk off to talk to Matt. Someone hops up next to me on the tailgate as I pull my phone out.
“Ryne.”
I side-eye Evie suspiciously. “Hey.” I set my phone down and prepare for the onslaught. She swings her legs back and forth like she’s on some sort of fun ride. There’s dried mud stuck in a few grooves of the bed liner and she aimlessly picks at one of them, pulling out a few small chunks and tossing them to the ground. “What do you want, Evie? I’m sure you didn’t come over here to clean out the back of my truck.”
She throws another chunk of mud down and turns her head. Her eyes bore through me like laser beams and my muscles preemptively tighten. “I’m curious about something, Ryne.”
From a few feet away Evan looks over and frowns, probably because of the defensive vibe pouring from me in waves. I take a deep breath and try to chill out. “About what?”
“What exactly is your endgame with Dacen?”
My fists clench and in a tight, clipped tone I mutter, “that’s really none of your business, Evie.”
“Wrong,” she spits out with more ferocity than I’ve ever heard from her. “When someone I love is hurting, it becomes my business. Dacen is a good person, Ryne.” I close my eyes and breathe deeply. He’s the best person on this planet. “He doesn’t deserve to be jerked around. I don’t understand what you’re doing. I get messing around or whatever, but…” She shakes her head, clearly frustrated, and doesn’t finish her thought.
My shoulders rise and fall with a heavy sigh, and her eyes soften a degree or two when I raise mine to meet hers. “I’m not trying to hurt him, Evie.”
“I believe you, but the choices you make affect more than just yourself.”
“I am very much aware of that.” My jaw tightens.
“Okay. So you’re a smart guy. Make better choices. At least when it comes to Dacen.” She hops down and starts to walk away, but turns back around. “And Ryne?” I raise an eyebrow and wait for her to speak. “You’re a good person, too. You deserve to be happy. You both do.”
She walks away without another word, going to stand by Trisley. Noah and Dacen eventually walk up to them, and Evie wraps her arm around Dacen’s waist and gives him a side hug. He smiles down at her and something inside me squeezes. I lean back on my hands and watch them, watch the easy, carefree way they interact. I wish I made him smile that easily. I lie back and rest my head on my hands and stare up at the sky. Idomake him smile though. His dimples pop out often enough to attest to that. Evie’s words float around, mingling with my own thoughts. Maybe I’m not so bad for him. If we were to actually go on a date-date, maybe it wouldn’t be the end of the world. And would an actual date even be very different from how we spend time together already? Probably not, and the answer to that question goes to show just how much of a stubborn jackass I really am.
But the thought of dating someone, trusting someone, is terrifying. I don’t know if I’ll ever truly want that. Or even if I do, if I’ll ever be ready for it. I’ve seen what happens when you trust another person. When shit hits the fan—like oh, say, someone dies—that other person jumps ship. They leave and somehow manage to drown everyone else on board in the process. Voluntarily giving someone else the ability to affect my life like that is powerful and daunting.
So I don’t date.
These are the things I don’t talk about with the guys, or with Lily and Nathan, nor Rylee. This shit sits around in my head and stews. And then there’s soccer. The pressure to go pro, the expectations, it’s all been hanging heavily over my head like a dark cloud for years and just adds to the epic shitstorm constantly brewing in my mind.
But.
Then there’s Dacen. He makes me smile and laugh, which seemed like such foreign concepts until he reintroduced me to them. The dark cloud in my mind is a lot less weighty when he’s around. And the things we’ve done physically as well as the too numerous to count other things I want to do to him and with him, I don’t want to give any of that up.
“Ugh.” I groan out loud.
“Everything okay up there, Sweet Cheeks?” Dacen’s voice startles me. He hoists himself up onto the tailgate and scoots back to sit cross-legged next to my head. Once he’s settled, he bends down so his face and mine are only a foot apart and brushes a strand of my hair back into place. “You okay, Ryne?” I’m drawn to his eyes, and not just because they’re close to my face right now. They’re full of concern even though his tone is light. Dacen’s brows pinch together when I shake my head. “What’s wrong?”
I grab his face and pull it down until our lips meet. And I kiss him. I kiss him all the words I’d like to say but just can’t get out. I tug him forward until he stretches out beside me and his legs tangle with mine. When things start taking a turn from rated PG-13 to rated R, I pull away, and Dacen huffs and tries to capture my lips again. I give him one more kiss—a chaste one until he slips his tongue back inside my mouth—and pull away again with a quiet laugh.
“I’ve been dying to kiss you all night, D, but haven’t been able to.”
He beams at me and my world rights itself again. For now.
* * *
Saturday morningwe had an away game and completely creamed the team we played, 5-0. Everyone was still hyped up by the time the bus got back to school. On a whim, most of us decided to go play paintball, which is why I find myself standing across from Dacen at Grey River Paintball as he finishes getting suited up. He’s been attempting to smack talk me for the last five minutes and I’ve been attempting to hold back my laughter.
“I bet I can get you out before you get me out, Ryne. You were a little slow on your feet today.”
He smirks and jabs me in the ribs, and I know he’s joking but my competitive streak flares awake at his words. “What are the stakes?”
Dacen looks off to the side and smiles. “If I win, you have to come with me to my cousin Finn’s wedding.” I open my mouth to protest and he cuts me off. “As my ‘non-date’ person who accompanies me to the wedding and reception.”
