Chapter 19
April was tiptoeing back to Violet’s room when Tanner’s door flew open. She startled badly and nearly dropped the glass of water she’d brought up from the kitchen. Nerves always made her mouth go dry.
Tanner stood in the doorway, eyes hard, muscles tense, like he was ready to pounce.
“I was just getting a glass of water,” she whispered. “Violet’s sound asleep thanks to that children’s pain reliever we gave her, but I can’t seem to close my eyes, and I didn’t want to wake her. I promised her I’d sleep with her tonight. Ned always made me leave by a certain time. I never got to check on her, or be there for her when she had a nightmare. I never even knew what happened after I tucked her in.”
Tanner pushed off the door frame and came to stand in front of her. His large build overshadowed her much smaller one, but she didn’t feel threatened, or even scared by his presence. He might be questioning her intentions toward him, but she’d long since crossed the line of getting to know him, and sailed right past the one where she had a schoolgirl crush on him. No. After everything she’d seen, and how he’d taken the news that Violet was his, April pretty much knew she loved him. Not that she’d ever tell him. Tanner had enough on his plate already. Besides, her first priority was Violet.
“She’s never going back there again, April. I don’t care what I have to do. If I have to leave the country with her and become a fugitive, I’ll gladly do it before I let Ned take her back to that hell hole.”
April winced. If he made good on that plan, chances were high that she’d never see her niece again. Or him. “I’m sure you’ll figure something out.” She just hoped it would be anything but what he’d just said. Then she gave him the words she sensed he’d been needing all this time. “I trust you, Tanner. I would’ve never brought her to you if I didn’t.”
The way his gaze on her softened and his muscles relaxed, even if his posture was still ramrod straight, told her it was exactly what he needed to hear. “And I will never give you reason to doubt that trust,” Tanner said. “Ever. I want you to know that no matter what happens between us, you will always be welcome here. You can see Violet and spend as much time with her as you want, forever as far as I’m concerned.”
April sighed; her eyes glossy with tears. “I broke an NDA agreement, Tanner. Ned has every reason to have me thrown in prison.”
Tanner smiled. “It takes a little more than that to get someone thrown in prison, as you so eloquently put it.”
“You don’t understand.” The words came out soft, like they were being ripped from the depths of her soul. She didn’t want to tell him about her past mistakes. Didn’t want him to know how far she’d fallen before being lifted up by the worst person she’d ever known. “When I told you that Ned saved me, I wasn’t exaggerating. I did something in my past. Something I’m not proud of. Ned helped me. He made it all go away on the condition that I come work for him with Violet. I saw it as a saving grace, not realizing the hell I was about to step into.”
Tanner stared at her for a long moment, his gaze soft as he pulled his shoulders back, making himself appear even larger than he already was. “Do you trust me enough to tell me?”
April swallowed, hard. That was the problem. Shedidtrust him, more than she’d ever trusted anyone, except maybe her mom and Zara. She turned and started walking away from him, then looked back, inviting him to follow her to the guest room. She set the glass of water down on the nightstand, and sat on the edge of the bed. After patting the spot next to her, she waited for him to sit beside her.Just like that day in the garden that now felt like a lifetime ago.
She’d never actually told anyone this story. Ned was the only person who knew, aside from the fancy lawyer he hired for her, the assistant district attorney back in Los Angeles, and whoever else was involved in her case back then. She hated being so vulnerable in front of Tanner. She’d put up such a tough girl act for him, never wanting him to see her as weak. But all that would end the moment he knew the truth. He’d never see her the same way again, and that was what she dreaded most now.
He already questioned her feelings for him.
Now, he’d question his feelings forher.
He sat beside her on the edge of the bed, waiting for her to start talking. The sound of his breathing in the otherwise quiet room was slow and steady. She imagined his heart rate was much the same, unlike hers that felt like it was about to drum right through her ribcage. “It was after Casey died. I had a hard time dealing with it. I did some things…” She looked up at him then. “Drugs. Coke and some Meth. It got pretty bad. I thought I had gotten it under control, but I was leaving work one day, and I wasn’t paying attention. I hit a kid with my car.”
Tanner sat perfectly still, like he was letting her get it all out with no judgement.
“The boy made a full recovery, but I was fired, of course, and there was a lawsuit. I was going to prison. I knew I deserved it. But then Ned stepped in, threw some money around, and made it all go away.”
Tanner listened, without interrupting. She felt his entire being focused on her. Not judging. Just being. Here. With her. Present in the moment.
Drawing on his quiet strength, she continued. “I went to a thirty day rehab facility to get clean. Pretty much quit cold turkey and never looked back. Violet needed me and that was more than enough to keep me sober.” She let out a long sigh. “There were definitely days I thought about using, and Ned used to drug test me randomly the first year. But I honestly never even came close to touching the stuff again. I just can’t seem to forgive myself for hitting that little boy. And I never want to put anyone else in danger like that.”
“That’s why you don’t drive,” Tanner said.
“That’s why I don’t drive,” she confirmed.The words felt like a huge weight being lifted off her shoulders.
“Survivor.” Tanner’s word fell into her lap like an anchor no one had thought to toss her way as she continued to drift further out to sea.
“What?” April looked at him as if she couldn’t believe what he’d said. This man had a gift of making her feel like more than what she was. And he’d just done it again.
“That’s what you are. A survivor. You messed up, sure. But you pulled yourself together and sacrificed everything to be there for a little girl who needed you. That's a special kind of strength most people don’t have. That’s the kind of grit only survivors have.”
April shrugged. “I don’t know. It feels like I’ve been treading water for the most part.”
“You were,” he agreed. “But that doesn’t make you any less of a survivor. No matter what you did in your past, you are the best thing that has ever happened to Violet.”
April knew that wasn’t necessarily true. She’d held off telling him about his daughter. Hadn’t even told Violet that she’d found her biological father.
“Hey,” he said, taking her hand into his warmer, much larger one. “Talk to me. What’s wrong?”
