“You still can!” John insisted, giving him a slight push. “No one said you had to marry Clara to be part of our family! Regardless of what happens, we Merritts tend to stick together!”
“But I am a Maxwell.”
“Close enough!” John’s voice had grown in volume. “Who cares what your name is? You, me, Mother, Papa, and Clara, we are a family! And we always will be. I know things might be a little different, but we aren’t going to abandon you, Luke! You are one of us now.”
Luke didn’t respond. John truly believed the ‘Clara thing’ could be put behind them, but Luke knew better. Obviously her husband would not want him around, especially when he still had not been able to squash his feelings for her.
Luke had tried not to picture Clara in the arms of another man, but as the ship steered closer and closer to home, his thoughts had difficulty pointing any other way.Was she happy? Was she treated fairly? Did she love him?In his mindseye, he pictured the Duke of Preston to be a fat, middle-aged man with a large mustache, prone to drinking and gambling, and all sorts of things Clara would not approve of.How could she pick him over me?
The rocking ship caused John to be sick in his wooden bucket. Luke’s stomach lurched as well, but if it was from the smell or his depressing thoughts, he could not tell.Why didn’t she want me?He wondered for the millionth time.Why wasn’t I good enough?His stomach twisted with enough anxiety, he took the bucket from his friend, adding his own distasteful splash.
Chapter 28
The Earl
Rosecrest Estate
They say time heals all wounds, but when one is grieving, time seems to stop. The next few weeks were a melancholy blur as Papa was laid to rest, and Clara and Mother learned to function without him. The village helped in many ways, providing visits and flowers, and even ushering in the earl’s body with a candlelit vigil. Faversham residents had lined both sides of the road leading up to the estate, holding glowing lanterns and bowing as their leader rolled past. The house was draped in black as was tradition with the death of a family member. All clothing, drapes, and linens were switched out for the dark pieces. It dampened, even more so, the mood of the household.
Clara spent a great deal of time sitting on her little bed in the old nursery, imagining her Papa knocking on her door.“ClaraBear, ClaraBear, are you in there?”She could nearly hear him say. At times, she almost wished she had loved him less, so the loss would not seem so great. Lady Merritt was doing better than her daughter. She turned to others to help in her time of grief, but Clara just wanted to be alone, to wallow in dark places, and convince herself there was no way she could be happy again.
Two weeks after the earl’s death, Everett Merritt showed up. He had only recently been set free, and was presumptuous enough to think the Merritts would welcome him with open arms. “I hear you are without a protector!” he explained to the countess. “I will stay and care for the household! It is my duty, seeing John is away.” He looked much older than he had on their last encounter, perhaps it was the greedy look in his eyes, or the unruly mustache he now sported. Either way, the man looked sinister.
“Lord Merritt shall be here shortly,” Mother responded with fire in her blue eyes. “You are not needed here.” But legally, neither Clara nor Mother had the power to keep him away. If John was unreachable, Mr. Merritt truly was the one in charge of protecting the family. It seemed a cruel act of fate. Mother suggested Clara go to a friend’s house until John sent the cousin away, but it was not deemed acceptable during the mourning period, nor did she want to leave. Rather than fight the matter, Mother assigned a burly footman to act as a temporary bodyguard.
Clara missed her knight.
Even with the added precautions, Everett found ways to hint they should be together, leaving her little notes, or whispering words as they passed each other in hallways. “John is probably at the bottom of the ocean.” “It is what your father would have wanted.” “Matt is dead; John is missing. Fate has brought us together.”
But Clara was not eighteen anymore. She knew Everett’s cruelness, and even in her vulnerable state, she was not open to his advances. She probably would have been afraid of him, if her emotions were not so wrapped up in her grief.What if he ruins my reputation? Who cares? Who cares about anything?
Mother had moved out of the countess’s suite as the master’s chamber was prepared for John. To safeguard Clara’s reputation even further, she decided to take the room that adjoined her daughter’s. The chamber was intended for the girl’s husband, not mother, but there was something comforting about not sleeping alone. They kept their connecting door propped open, and sometimes even spoke to each other as they dressed. What started as added protection from the criminal cousin, quickly became one of the only things that kept Clara sane.She needed her Mother’s strong example. If Mother could get out of bed, Clara would find a way to get up as well. The two women motivated each other to keep living.
That did not mean their burden was lifted. Deep, painful emotions still bubbled to the surface at unexpected times. “Your Papa would not want to see you like this,” Mother had whispered one night as Clara had found herself in a fit of tears. “You are allowed to grieve, but you must take care of yourself. He wouldn’t want you to suffer.” She had promised her father she would be happy, but what was there to be happy about? Life had lost all meaning. She had once said that loving people was her purpose, but what was the point in loving if it hurt this much to lose someone? It seemed better to not love at all. So Clara shut the world out. She sat and stared out black-draped windows, wishing for days already past. She longed to be young, and naive, and in the arms of her beloved Papa as he swung her around the garden, kissing her cheek, expressing his love, and racing her back to the house. That is all she wanted, just to be held and feel that warm, safe feeling again. To be transported back to when she believed the world was a joyous place.
The Shores of Kent, England
“Land!” John yelled, running from the gangway. “Beautiful, lovely, English land!”
“Oh, please do not kiss it!” Luke hollered back, but it was too late. John had already stuck his lips to the sand. “Yuck!”
“It is good to be back!” John spun in a circle, looking out across the sandy shoreline. “And just a few hours from home.”
“Your home,” Luke whispered under his breath. It would take several days to reach Harleston.
The crew began unpacking the ship, and John and Luke chatted about their travel plans as they waited for the luggage—and horse—to beunloaded. After a moment, a weathered-looking man ran toward them across the sandy beach. He had the tanned look of a long-distance messenger, and as he neared, Luke recognized him as Jimmy, Lord Merritt’s main mail carrier. “My lord, urgent notice!” the messenger said, holding out an envelope. Lord Maxwell reached for it, but the man pulled the note back with a shake of his head. “It is for the earl,” he answered, extending the message closer to John.
“The earl?” John whispered, his confusion freezing him in place.
It felt as if a large weight had been placed on Luke’s chest. It made it difficult to breathe. “What has happened?” he whispered back. The messenger simply gestured to the letter until John took it.
“I cannot read it,” John whispered tremulously. His face was pale, and the letter shook visibly in his hand. Luke walked his friend over to a wooden crate that had just been taken off the ship. Forcing John to sit, he took the letter from him.
It was a short message. Dry. But of utter importance. “Your father is dead. Clara is unwed, and Everett is at Rosecrest.” Each statement brought with it an entirely different emotion. Lord Merritt, dead? It was shocking and devastating. Clara not married to the duke? Luke tried to ignore the slight glimmer of hope the news caused him.What was the story there?He did not dwell on it. It was not an appropriate time to be thinking of Clara, at least, not in that way.
It was the news of Everett that kicked both men into action. Neither of them liked the idea of him being unsupervised. “My horse!” John yelled back up to the sailors unloading the cargo. “Quickly, bring my horse!”
“Do you require my assistance, Lord Merritt?” Jimmy asked from his place in the sand. The men had forgotten entirely about his presence.
