“Get it, girl,” Juliet says to her, back again for another load. “Show her some fun or I’ll fucking kill you, Grady.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Oh, fuck off with that ma’am shit,” she says, walking away.
“I’d like a little fun,” Lou says, her smile as bright as the sun.
“I promise to deliver,” I tell her, slowly leaning forward and kissing the tip of her nose. “Let’s get this stuff inside before Juliet loses her shit on us.”
Thirteen
Lou
“Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.”
Randy Pausch
They’re not pursuing charges.
Suzanne called me this morning to tell me. She assumes he relied on connections and bribes to have the case dropped. My only option now is a civil case, if I choose to go that route. She warned me that it would be a difficult process. That Pierre would hire a PR team of his own to drag me through the mud. It could become a spectacle, sensationalized and viral.
She also said she’s not afraid of anything he could potentially throw at us.
Us.She said us because she sees my fight as her own. We’re a team, and I didn’t know how badly I needed that.
Still, I’m unsure of what course to take. With a civil suit, the only thing I can ask for is monetary damages. I don’t want his money. I want him to never be able to do this to someone else.
But how can I possibly stop that? Even if he’d been sentenced to prison, it wouldn’t be for long. He’d have gotten out and found someone new to control. It will be the same, even if I make the biggest spectacle in a civil case.
There will always be a woman who will ignore the signs, the red flags, and me screaming at the top of my lungs. We see it all the time. I can’t count how many celebrities, especially men, who have shown abhorrent behavior toward a partner, only to be dating someone new shortly after.
If I can’t stop it, is it worth prolonging my own healing? Is it worth reliving every trauma? Not only reliving but sharing it all with the world to be judged, to be side-eyed, to be called names.For the rest of my life, any photo I post to Instagram will have comments calling me a liar or worse.
I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to deal with that.
And I hate myself for not being strong enough for that. I’ve added it to the long mental list of things to be upset at myself for. It’s grown ridiculously long and I fear it’s not finished, yet.
The weight of it all is heavier than an anvil. If my warning stops even one vulnerable woman from being caught in his web, it should be worth it.
If only I could find the strength I need.
Juliet promises to be by my side no matter what I decide. She’ll be leaving soon, though. Back to Portland, then New York and Paris, before too long. My parents are of no help. Mom has been emailing almost daily to berate me for being a poor excuse for a daughter and an even worse girlfriend. She’ll never take my side, so my father never will either.
My brother has never taken an interest in me except to say I’m no better than a whore selling her body.
If I do this, go public and fight him, I do it with little more than the support of the people I pay to be on my side. I’m not sure that’s enough. No matter how strong I want to believe I can be.
Yesterday was a nearly perfect day. I’d woken up to my new bank account full of money. Juliet and I spent a small portion setting me up with everything I would need to get me back to work. Luggage, apparel, cosmetics, and skincare. Nothing fancy, because I’m determined to skip every party, every dinner, every invitation that isn’t paying me for a photograph. Designer brands were not my priority. I bought Levi’s jeans and basic tank tops from Gap. Simple, but comfortable, Adidas tennis shoes,although, four different pairs because I couldn’t choose the color I liked best.
The luggage was quality, as were the cosmetics and skincare. I learned quickly in this industry what my skin can and can’t handle.
The truck was a definite splurge. It’s cute as hell, though, and the color is my favorite. I’m in a town with few sidewalks and no public transit, an hour outside of the city, so a vehicle is a must.
And fun.
Then, there was Grady to end it in the most unexpected way. A date. One that I probably should have declined. My mental state is hard enough for me to live with; I shouldn’t be laying that on anyone else. He’s sweet, though. Charming and capable.
What he said to me the other night will live rent-free in my head forever.
