That’s what I feel most. My forward motion in life has stalled. The career I was building took a backseat to my efforts to hide his indiscretions. To keep his secrets. To bury my own shame.
Success meant no one could know. His success, not mine. I had no value.
Do I now?
Will I ever?
Who can say. Eventually, I’ll have to try to rebuild my career. Or begin a new one, though I have no other experience or talent in any other industry. Worth doesn’t come from work, it comes from somewhere inside of me, I know that. Right now, my life has no substance, and work will have to be the first block laid in my new foundation.
After I heal, anyhow. Physically, I mean. I don’t know how to heal emotionally, but I imagine it’s going to take much longer.
When my phone vibrates in my pocket, I flinch and wonder if that will go away. That nervous energy I carry with me at all times.
Grady:
I’ll be working all day. Feel free to text if you need anything. Check your doorstep for breakfast.
Before I have the first message read, another one comes through.
Grady:
Sorry. I’m not aiming for intrusive. I promised Juliet I’d keep an eye out and I keep my word. You can tell me if it’s too much. I’ll listen.
An engine starts and I hear when he pulls away from his house. A chill runs down my spine. I’ve never been this alone, this geographically isolated. Besides the Steele house next door, the closest neighbor can’t be seen. If I screamed, I wouldn’t be heard. Especially with the ocean waves creating a constant soundtrack.
I wait a couple more minutes before I search out this breakfast. I was too quick yesterday and startled both of us. In my defense, I hadn’t eaten all day. And before that, I’d been in the hospital with a diet that consisted of mostly broth and Jell-O to let my windpipe heal.
He saw me. The parts of me I want to hide. The bruises, the breaks. Visible evidence of my worst choice. The choice to stay. Did I choose? I can’t recall. Though I didn’t leave.
I’m sorry. I love you.
This morning’s plate, neatly covered in foil like the salmon burger from last night, includes a heaping portion of scrambledeggs, potatoes O’Brien, and five strips of crispy bacon. A girl could get used to this. Being spoiled by a handsome man.
A girl has. Look where that got her!
Three
Lou
“Every place you land in life has a reason and a lesson.”
Tori Amos
Louisa,
I can’t believe you won’t give me your new phone number and have left us with only the option to email you. We’re your parents, for Heaven’s sake. We’ve been very worried since you chose to leave the hospital.
Emailing us that you’re safe is hardly enough to ease our minds. Where are you?
Pierre has been calling, too. He’s beside himself and says the police have been harassing him. What is going on between the two of you?
Call me.
Mom
Beside himself. I laughed when I got to that part of her short email. It was the first time I heard my own sound since the day I arrived in Stowaway and called Juliet. My laugh was hoarse. My voice is a stranger to me.
My mother can be as angry at me as she chooses. It won’t change my plans. Pierre has made himself a sympathetic character to the people in my life. He’s the victim. And me the villain.
