She cocks her head at me. “I know you’ve dated since Mom died. You tried to hide it a bit, but there’ve been girlfriends. What’s really going on?”
“None of them were serious.” I straighten my fork and knife, like having them exactly parallel to the edge of the table is of the utmost importance. “I’m interested in someone, and no, I’m not ready to introduce her as my girlfriend yet. But I wanted to talk it over with you, first.”
Thinking of Janie as a potential “girlfriend” makes her sound even younger than she is, and it makes me feel like a dirty old man. I am wracked with enough guilt already.
Our server drops off our drinks. A mimosa for Ariel and a regular coffee for me.
“I only want you to be happy.” Ariel sips her drink and gives her lips a happy little smack. This endearing quirk has chased her since childhood, and I’m happy to see she still hasn’t outgrown it. “If that means dating a serious girlfriend, then go for it. We’re our own people, Dad. I know you aren’t thrilled I’m dating the two bounty hunters from Ironwood, but you could see it makes me happy, so you’re happy for me. If you want to date someone seriously, and it makes you happy, I’m happy for you, too.”
I nod. “You know, no one will replace your mother.”
“Obviously not. And I have you—I don’t need a mother. Whoever you date...I wouldn’t consider her my mom, or even a step-mom, honestly. I’m all grown up, you know.”
That’s a relief. But given the emotional turn of this conversation, I can’t tell her about Janie—not the entire truth, not yet. Besides, Janie is just as attached to Ariel as I am. If Janie and I are going to pursue a relationship, we should tell Ariel together, or at least come up with a plan together of how we’ll break the news.
Our food arrives, and I dig into my eggs benedict. One last concern weighs upon me as Ariel slathers her waffles in butter.
“How do you feel about age gaps in relationships?” I put down my fork to give her my full attention.
She looks up at me in surprise. “Age gaps?”
“An older person dating a younger person.”
“I know what they are,” she says with a laugh. “I’m just trying to wrap my head around the idea of you being in one.”
I wait while she “wraps her head around it.” Her opinion is the most important to me—she’s my daughter, and if she rejects this idea outright, my dreams are dead in the water.
“I think,” she says slowly, “when people reach a certain age, the power imbalance isn’t such a concern. Obviously when someone is underage, or freshly of age, or if some older person is constantly chasing younger partners because they’re easier to manipulate? Then it’s a problem. You don’t fall into the second category—your girlfriends have always been around your age, right?”
“Right.” I nod for emphasis. “And I’d never date anyone in her teens or even young twenties. I want my partner to already be established on a career course, and know who she is.”
Janie knows who she is. She’s told me before, that she loves being a high-level personal assistant. She loves the challenge, and the way her tasks change day to day. She also admitted that this position is the best she’s had, because I rarely have to contact her outside of work. When she goes home at the end of the day, she knows she can truly relax.
“Then all I am, Dad, is happy for you.” Ariel shoves a giant bite of waffle into her mouth. “Whenever you’re ready, I look forward to meeting this mystery girlfriend.”
She isn’t my girlfriend yet, but if Tag and I play our cards right, she could be very soon.
Ariel widens her eyes. “How big of an age gap are we talking, anyway?”
To her credit, she barely blinks when I admit the two-decade gap. Her nose does wrinkle slightly, though. “Dad, I’m twenty years younger than you.”
“I know, I know.” I hang my head. “It sounds wrong, doesn’t it?”
“Fuck what it sounds like.” Ariel goes from weirded out to defensive so fast, I have mental whiplash. “Fuck any haters. You love who you love, and it isn’t wrong. I’ll be your number one back-up if anyone gets confrontational, okay?”
“I don’t deserve you.” I reach across the table and squeeze my daughter’s hand.
She’s my daughter and my champion.
Hopefully she’ll still be an ally when she learns my “girlfriend” is Janie.
6
JANIE
I’m surprised how quickly Ariel reaches me when I ask her out to an emergency girl-talk lunch.
“What, were you like, already waiting for me?” I ask when I get to Paris Greens.
