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I hated seeing her sad. “Things fell apart in ways other than Nate?” I asked.
“Well, Nate happened and that’s also when I dropped out of school. My whole life just changed. I felt like I didn’t have a purpose and overall I just missed my Mom. It’s strange to not have her around to talk to anymore, to be alone. But I have been doing my best.”
I put my hand on her knee. “You’re not alone and I know she is watching over you. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if she had a hand in my showing up last night.”
She smiled. “I would love to believe that, Cedric. Lately things have really turned around, especially since I met Callie and Lucas.”
I loved hearing that. “I wish I didn’t have to leave tonight,” I said.
Allison abruptly changed the subject.
“Cedric, what about you? Were you and Karyn serious?”
“No. I mean, we dated for a while exclusively, but the chemistry wasn’t there. To be honest, we couldn’t have been more different. I really want to settle down with someone who shares my family values, but mostly those feelings you need to have to want to be with someone forever, were not there for me with Karyn.”
“I see,” Allison said trying to process my answer.
I suddenly felt the urge to be honest with her. She deserved at least some honesty, seeing as though I didn’t have the balls to tell her the real reason I even met her in the first place.
“I have dated a lot of women, Allison, I am not gonna lie. Most of the women I have dated have been about sex and nothing more. I want more than that out of life now. Karyn was the closest I had come to a serious relationship, but that didn’t hit the mark, not by a long shot.”
“How many women are we talking?” Allison laughed nervously.
I hesitated, but I wanted to be up front.
“A lot…well into the double digits. But I was protected each and every time, with them, don’t worry. I always used, you know, condoms and get myself checked regularly. I wouldn’t put myself at risk like that or put anyone else at risk. I don’t want that life at all anymore though. I had gotten hurt after a relationship when I was younger and I vowed never to let that happen again. So, I let myself think that sex was all I wanted. But I am realizing more and more lately that it’s not all I want anymore.”
I stared at her trying to give her a subliminal message that she was what I wanted. I couldn’t tell her that yet in so many words.
“What do you want, Cedric?” Her blunt question startled me.
I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to process my answer.
“I want it all. I want to wake up in the morning next to someone who rocks my world in every way. Someone who I am so physically attracted to that I can’t keep my hands off her but who at the same time fulfills me in other ways, emotionally, on a deeper level. I want to be with someone who makes me never want to be with another single soul and someone who makes me want to be a better person.”
I want to be with you, but I don’t deserve you.
***
Allison and I spent a couple of hours on her couch, getting to know all that we missed in each other’s lives up until now.
She told me about growing up in the Roslindale section of Boston, how she used to dance and sing in the Boston Latin School show choir and how she almost married her high school boyfriend before realizing he wasn’t the one.
She opened up to me that her mother came out to her as gay when she was a teenager and that her mother’s longtime partner had died when Allison was only five and that her mother never met anyone else or fell in love after that. She floored me with her openness and she seemed to trust me enough to tell me anything. That warmed my heart and hurt at the same time.
I told her about growing up in Dorchester with my family, showed her my bullet mark from the accidental drive by and we found out that we both used to go to Castle Island a lot as kids.
I told her as much as I could…up until Chicago. That was the point I had to stop or rather skipped right over. She opened up to me about everything and I gave her only half of myself. But it was too soon to tell her everything and I wasn’t ready to lose her just yet.
As a matter of fact, I couldn’t wait to see her again after my trip and I hadn’t even left her yet.
“It’s 1:00, you better get going if you need to pack,” Allison said.
“Shit. I do.”
I got up and she walked me to the door. I embraced her as hard as I could, pulling her mouth toward mine one last time. I could have stayed here all day, so I had to physically rip myself back with force and step away.
Allison stood in the doorway. “Bye, Cedric.”
