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Closing my eyes, I inhaled and let out a deep breath.
“Um…Elaine…” I hesitated.
“Yes?”
“I…I know where she is, okay? She is doing well. But I haven’t found a way to approach the subject yet. I am hoping you and Ed understand that I need some more time. I have to handle this carefully.”
Elaine paused. “Cedric, I have some news. I am not sure how much longer you can put this off.”
As Elaine explained the new development that had happened in the weeks since I found Allison, I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. This news changes everything. It will only be a matter of weeks now and if I don’t tell her the truth, someone else will.
After I hung up with Elaine, I collapsed my head onto the steering wheel. Feeling desperate for some kind of help, I did the only thing that came natural: I made the sign of the cross. “In the Name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit…help me, God. Please help me.”
Then, I sped away from the diner.
The highway ride was a blur as my mind raced for a solution and before I knew it, I was only a mile from my condo.
Id
eas that floated through my mind ranged from taking Allison away on a vacation to never contacting her again and moving to another city. The need to somehow get rid of the situation I had gotten myself into was enormous. Why couldn’t I have left her alone and just done what I was supposed to do? For the first time since this entire ordeal began, I felt tears forming in my eyes. A lone teardrop streamed down my left cheek and my jaw began to tremble.
It was at that moment that I truly realized all that I stood to lose. It was at that moment that I realized how desperately I was falling in love with her.
***
Two days had gone by since that afternoon.
I ended up telling Allison that I had fallen ill and couldn’t pick her up from the diner that day. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but I just couldn’t face her that night and needed time to think.
The walls of deceit I had built were closing in on me. I couldn’t bear the thought of her thinking that I was not interested in spending time with her because I had already had my sexual fill. The timing of that phone call was horrible.
I wanted nothing more than to be able to spend every second of every day with her, making love to her, building on this relationship and having nothing to hide. Again, I wished that things were that simple and that we had met under different circumstances.
I hoped she truly believed I was sick; I hated lying to her…yet again. That’s the funny thing about lies; you have to keep covering them up with more lies.
I made sure to text her repeatedly during those days, so she would at least know I was thinking of her. She offered to come by and check on me, but I begged her not to, based on the story that I was afraid she would catch what I had and that Callie was looking forward to seeing her next week. It was the best excuse I could come up with.
The most painful night was last night, New Years Eve. Still in my fictitious sickness bubble, I stayed home alone, too afraid to get caught in my lie. I couldn’t exactly go to my mother’s house and tell her to lie to Allison next week about having seen me and also couldn’t risk being seen or photographed out.
Allison had told me she was going to Boston’s First Night celebration with her roommate Sonia and begged me to let her come by and see me before she went. It pained me beyond belief to tell her not to when I missed her so much but I couldn’t let her see that I was obviously fine. So, I urged her to stay away, choosing my words carefully and hoping that she would listen. She hadn’t been to my condo yet, so I was fairly certain she didn’t even know exactly where I lived and wouldn’t just drop in.
As the clock struck midnight, from my couch, I watched television coverage of fireworks exploding over the Esplanade imagining how amazing it would have been to share that moment with her. Looking out the window toward the dark Boston night, it seemed Beacon Street was eerily quiet. As the Boston Symphony Orchestra played on the television and the fireworks continued to erupt, the explosion seemed to symbolize the inner turmoil I was experiencing.
As I pondered that symbolism, no closer to a decision on how to move forward, my cell phone rang.
Seeing it was Allison, I felt an immense pain in my heart and immediately picked up. “Happy New Year, beautiful,” I said in a hoarse voice.
“Happy New Year, Cedric. I really wish you were here.”
Closing my eyes at the sound of her voice, all the resolve I had to sound neutral went out the window.
The alcohol I had consumed had also done its job in preventing me from masking my emotions. I felt my mouth start to tremble and hoped that she couldn’t sense it in my voice.
“I fucking miss you so much, Allison. I want nothing more than to be with you right now.”
It was the truth. I am so fucked.
“When do you think we’ll be able to see each other? Are you feeling any better at all?” she asked.
