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“Cedric…Cedric. Wake up. You really should go home and try to get some sleep at home,” Ed said as he shook me.
Shit.
It wasn’t a dream.
I was really still here in this hospital room.
A nurse’s voice spoke on the intercom in the distance, reminding me exactly where I was. Hospital clerks wheeled by the room pushing food carts. Life went on as usual outside the window; car horns beeping in the distance, part of the hustle and bustle of the Chicago morning commute, as if my life was not falling apart in here.
I wanted to scream out the window at them to shut the fuck up. Someone walked by the open room, laughing at something that was said at the nurse’s station in the hallway. Life could not be going on when she was lying there, fighting for her life. It wasn’t fair.
“No…no, sir, I can’t leave her,” I told Amanda’s father.
“The doctors said she’s not going to be waking up today, Cedric.”
I still couldn’t believe my eyes every time I glanced over at her. She was so beautiful even with all those tubes and medical contraptions. No, I wouldn’t leave…couldn’t leave, not for one second.
“Ed, I really don’t want to leave her,” I said.
He looked over at his daughter and then back at me, his eyes swollen from crying over the past few days. “Okay, Son.”
Amanda’s parents, Ed and Elaine and I have been keeping vigil at her bedside for three days. The whole scene was surreal as this beautiful girl lie fighting for her life in a medically induced coma.
“Did they say how much longer until they try to wake her?” I asked.
“Could be a couple of more days,” Elaine said tearily as she sat by Amanda’s side.
What if she doesn’t wake up? What if she never wakes up? How can I ever live with myself?
An Indian doctor walks in and we all stand up in unison.
“Dr. Tripathi, we were wondering if you could tell us when they were planning on ending the coma?” Ed asked.
“The swelling is still too significant. We are going to keep with it for at least another twenty-four hours. Mrs. Thompson, can I talk to you privately?”
“Sure, doctor.” Amanda’s mother walked out of the room and the doctor followed her out into the hallway.
I walked over to Amanda’s bedside and gently touched her long dark hair. She was so tranquil and beautiful. She looked so peaceful, nothing like the way she looked the last time I saw her. My heart clenched at that thought. Oh, God, please don’t let anything happen to her. Please. I’ll do anything. Anything.
I whispered so low that Ed couldn’t possibly hear me. When he had gone out to look for his wife, I spoke louder, but still softly.
“Amanda…God, Amanda. I am so sorry, baby. I would take it all back if I could. Baby, if you wake up, I promise I will never leave you again. I was being stupid, baby, so, so stupid. Please just be okay and I’ll never leave you. Please. Please. Please. I love you, baby. I love you.”
Tears ran down my cheeks and I began to shake uncontrollably as I recalled the night of the accident.
***
Amanda had taken her father’s car to drive to my dorm in the middle of the night after I hadn’t returned any of her calls that day. It was the first time I had ever done something like that. The truth was, I had been having second thoughts lately about being in such a serious relationship at my age. Things were moving really fast and Amanda was starting to talk about a future with me. I love her…I do…but I was scared, being only twenty-two. She’s only eighteen. I was her first and she wanted me to be her last? That was a lot of pressure.
My mind was spiraling out of control that day and I was scared that if I talked to her, that she would be able to sense it or that I would impulsively break up with her, so I ignored her all day. I didn’t want to hurt her, but I ended up doing worse.
It had all just become too much for me. I had myself convinced that I needed to test the waters…see how I really felt about her…by distancing myself…even if Amanda wasn’t aware why.
Sarah was a girl who lived on my floor across the hall on the girl’s side. She was tall, blonde and on the girl’s basketball team. Sarah had been flirting with me since the beginning of the year and I had always ignored her because I had a girlfriend.
That night, my door was open and Sarah happened to walk by and stop in my room. At first, it was innocent. We were just talking about music and jobs after graduation. At one point, she put her hand on my leg and gave me a look. I wasn’t even as attracted to her as I was to Amanda, but like I said, I wanted to test the waters, test myself. I pulled her into me and started kissing her. That moment was the beginning of the end of my life as I knew it.
My door slammed open and I threw Sarah off of me. There stood Amanda, in her sweatpants and Beatles t-shirt she slept in often. Her hair was in two pigtails. She looked angelic, but furious, like she had dragged herself out of bed in the middle of the night to come here.
