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We dated for almost a year. I was her first. Up until the end, it was the first time in my life that I had never cheated on a girlfriend. She would tell me that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. I told her I loved her, but truthfully I had my doubts about making a lifelong commitment so young. I was getting ready to graduate and possibly move away and she was just starting college. But Amanda didn’t care about all that. She just wanted to be with me. That wasn’t enough for me, Allison. What came next is the hard part of my story.
One night Amanda came to my dorm after I had ignored her calls that day. She caught me kissing another girl. It hadn’t gotten as far as anything further and probably wouldn’t have, but I had lost control of myself in the days leading up to that. I was probably going to end things for her own good, but never expected her to see what she walked in on. She was devastated, Allison and the second I saw the look on her face, I was devastated too. I knew then and there that I cared so much about this person. I felt like I had hurt my best friend and I had.
Amanda ran out of my room that night and drove off. She was upset and probably driving erratically. That was the night of the car accident that eventually killed her. I am so sorry to be the one to have to tel
l you this, Allison. I still to this day feel some of the blame for what happened, most of the blame, actually. Your sister was so strong. She fought for her life for many days in and out of a coma.
What I need you to know is that shortly before Amanda died, Ed and Elaine told her about you. They didn’t know your name or where you were living, but Elaine had gotten information from a friend at the adoption agency years before, that there had been a twin born to the anonymous birth mother who had you and Amanda. Other than that, Elaine only knew that your Mom was a fifteen-year-old drug addict. Amanda’s parents decided to tell her about you after she turned eighteen and vowed to help find you if that was what she wanted.
On her hospital bed on the day she died, her last words to me were to ask me to find you. She said ‘find my sister.’
I had a really hard time after Amanda died. I blamed myself and Caleb actually came and stayed with me for several weeks. I never even told my mother about anything that happened there or the truth about you until a few days ago.
There is one other upsetting thing that I need to tell you. It’s really why I think I have been so afraid to tell you the truth. It’s the one part of my past I am most ashamed of and it’s very difficult for me to talk about even to this day. But I want to tell you everything. When Amanda was in the hospital, the doctors had discovered she had been pregnant at the time of the accident and lost the baby. It was my baby, Allison. Amanda had not yet told me and I don’t even know if she knew. She told me she was on the pill and I trusted that I couldn’t get her pregnant. I still struggle with whether she knew or not when she caught me that night, whether that’s why she had been calling me a lot that day. And more than that, I struggle with the fact that I helped cause an accident that also killed my own child. I know that it is probably very difficult for you to hear this and I am sorry to have to tell you that about me.
I put down the letter and started sobbing. I couldn’t read anymore right now…and there was a lot left unread.
Walking over to the refrigerator, I wiped my eyes with my shirt, poured myself a glass of water and sat down at the kitchen table, taking a long sip. Rubbing my temples, I breathed in and out repeatedly trying to process what Cedric revealed. So many emotions floated through my head.
While I found Cedric’s honesty endearing, it was all too much to take at once as shock, sadness and jealousy hit me like a ton of bricks.
I was still in shock to learn about how my sister died. I also felt sad that Cedric blamed himself. Clearly, he never could have predicted what would happen.
Jealousy also consumed me. My sister had been intimate with Cedric and they had created a child together, something that I would never get to experience with him. Even though the baby tragically died, a child was conceived. That child would have also been related to me.
Shaking my head, I tried to make sense of it all. My breathing slowed and I wanted to know more. I needed to know more, so I walked back over to the couch and picked up the letter again.
So, you’re probably wondering why all of this is coming to light now, twelve years later.
After Amanda died, I managed to graduate and ended up staying in Chicago for about eight years. That’s where I started my career, before I moved back to Boston. I kept in touch with Ed and Elaine during those years. Sometimes, they would have me over for dinner and we would talk about Amanda. I think I reminded them of her and they liked to see me from time to time for that reason. I had even later confided in them about what happened the night of the accident and they tried to convince me it wasn’t my fault. All these years, I still don’t fully believe that. Anyway, they’re good, forgiving, people and they didn’t deserve to lose their only child.
The Thompsons had tried to get information on their own over the years about your whereabouts and kept hitting dead ends. They felt they owed it to Amanda to find you. I think they missed her so much that they wanted to find a part of her alive in you. They used a couple of private investigators and finally hired a different guy a little over a year ago and this one was able to figure out the name of the person who adopted you (your Mom). With that information, he was able to determine your name too and that you lived in Boston. This investigator, named Brandon Samuels, then found out your address and followed you one day to the Stardust diner, which is how I knew where you worked. He gave all of the information to the Thompsons and they contacted me and asked if I would be the one to meet you first. Ed has been battling cancer and it wasn’t the right time for them to travel to Boston, because it would have interrupted his treatments. We all couldn’t believe that you were in the same city as me to begin with. So, it seemed to make sense that I would be the one to approach you.
I had every intention of doing the right thing that first day I walked into the diner. When I saw you, though, I was blown away and lost all sense of reason. It was like looking at a grown up version of Amanda, but you were even more beautiful than I could have ever imagined you’d be. I watched you talk to the customers and your demeanor was so sweet. I just wanted to watch you, like a fly on the wall. I didn’t know how I could possibly bring up the subject of why I came to see you, so I just stared at you. I wasn’t expecting to have that kind of reaction. I needed more time to just let it sink in. So, I left that day, but I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about you. I decided I wanted to get to know you before springing everything on you. So, I planned to go back to the diner another time and maybe strike up a conversation. That was the day you weren’t there, that I left my credit card. Obviously, you know that was the same night I drove you home and we talked for the first time. When I found out you had no family, I was floored, but it also made me want to be there for you in some way.
With every second we spent together, I became more and more blinded by my intense attraction to you. I gave into the temptation to continue the façade, because my feelings for you were real and I wanted desperately to explore them without judgment. I have never felt so drawn to anyone so quickly. You may think that it was because you looked like her, but that’s not entirely the case. A lot can change in twelve years, both physically and emotionally. If anything, I was actually surprised at how little you actually reminded me of the eighteen-year-old girl I knew. I was basically a boy when I dated your sister, Allison. I didn’t know what I wanted and it’s quite likely Amanda and I wouldn’t have ended up together had she lived. I wasn’t done sewing my wild oats (and she hadn’t even started) and it’s quite possible, I would have fucked things up.
I know my decision to take things as far I did with you was selfish. But I don’t regret it, Allison. I just don’t. From that first night in the car, I knew there was no going back. I had no control over the pull I felt toward you. I needed to have you, to be with you. I always intended to tell you everything, even after we got together—you need to know that. I wasn’t going to keep it from you forever; I just didn’t feel the time was right. Really, I didn’t want to lose you, so I kept putting it off.
Around New Years, things had just gotten sexual between us and I was falling hard for you. I couldn’t get enough of you. That’s when my world started crumbling around me. I got a call from Elaine around that time that changed things for me and made me realize I was no longer in control of when you would find out the truth. She told me that in the course of the investigation to find you, Investigator Samuels also located your birth mother. Not only that, this woman wanted to know how to find you. I knew that it was only a matter of time before you would find everything out and that scared the shit out of me. I decided not to make things even more complicated by continuing to get more serious with you until I either I grew the guts to tell you or you found out another way.
The night that I ran into you at my mother’s, I had planned to finally tell her everything. I needed to get it off my chest and wanted her advice as to how to handle things, because I was obviously not handling them at all. When you asked me if I was seeing someone else, I was caught off guard, panicked and lied. That was a s
tupid thing to do, but it just came out. I know that didn’t help things. I wasn’t seeing anyone else and I’m still not. I am so sorry for lying to you.
I am most sorry that finding the photo in my mother’s basement upset you. That must have been a shock. I didn’t even remember that I had that binder. Those were the only physical items I had to remember her by, that were mine. But now, in retrospect, I am glad you found it. It forced me to tell you the truth, which you deserved all along. Just a note, I don’t have any other information about your birth mother. Ed and Elaine never heard from her beyond that initial information from the investigator. I don’t know if she has contacted you directly, but the investigator can get her info for you if you would like to contact her. I’ll send you an email with his contact information, as well as the contact info for Ed and Elaine Thompson. They really want to meet you, Allison and I hope you can make that happen for them. Don’t blame them for my mistakes.
I can only hope at this point that you don’t hate me, but you’ll never hear me say that I regret even one second of being with you. I’ll understand if you can’t, but if you ever find it in your heart to forgive me—that would mean the world to me—you mean the world to me.
Cedric
P.S. Hopefully you noticed that there is something else in this envelope.
What? I grabbed the yellow envelope that the letter was contained in and reached into the bottom. Inside, was a small Ziploc bag and as I took the note out of it, a ring fell out. What the—?
It was a beautiful antique looking white gold or silver ring with a green stone. The design was really ornate and stunning. What was this about? I unfolded the note that read:
Allison, I bought this ring at an antique fair right after I first laid eyes on you. It reminded me so much of the color of your eyes…the stone even has the same gold speckles. I just had to get it. It was a family heirloom of the old lady that sold it to me. She made me promise to give it to someone special. I knew even then I’d give it to you someday. Even though I know I have lost my chance with you, I still want you to have it because it belongs to you. Please let it remind you always how special you are.
