Shit. Did I do that out loud?
“Relax,” Connor says, giving me a reassuring smile. “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I shrug, still painfully aware of every place our bodies touch. “I don’t know, but I feel like they’re about to give us a sex talk or something.”
Connor chuckles, and a moment later my parents reappear, carrying wine and glasses like they haven’t just been plotting in the kitchen.
They settle onto the sofa across from us, side by side, leaning slightly toward each other, wearing the particular expressions I have learned, over twenty-nine years, to be deeply wary of.
Okay. I was right.
There’s a conversation coming.
“So,” Mom says once Dad has poured the wine and settled beside her, in the exact tone she uses when she’s pretending this conversation hasn’t been planned down to the minute. “Connor.” She gives him a meaningful look. “Last night at dinner, you mentioned you were serious about Noah. And very open to eventually settling down.”
My stomach drops.
Of course. This is where this was headed.
Last night, Connor’s answer had sounded harmless enough. Sweet. Mature. Exactly the kind of thing a real boyfriend would say if he wanted my family to trust him. Unfortunately, my mother heard it, believed it, and has apparently spent the last twenty-four hours turning it into a whole lecture.
This is not a sex talk. This is worse. This is aWhen exactly are you planning to settle down with my son?talk, and I think I might actually combust from secondhand embarrassment.
I know this relationship isn’t real. I know that. So I shouldn’t feel this embarrassed. Connor knows what this is. He probably thinks the whole thing is funny. But he’s also sitting beside me with his arm around my shoulders, looking calm and handsome and so unfairly convincing that, for one awful second, I almost can’t stand how happy my parents are about this perfect future we invented just to piss Rick off.
Connor, somehow, doesn’t even blink. “I did say that,” he says with a nod.
“And obviously the two of you care about each other very much,” Mom continues, clearly encouraged by the fact thatConnor is going along with her, while Dad quietly hands us our glasses. “Which is wonderful. We’re thrilled.”
“Mom,” I say, trying to keep the panic out of my voice. “Where are you going with this?”
I’m only trying to slow her down. I know exactly where she’s going with this, and apparently my survival instinct has decided denial is still worth a shot.
“Let me finish, sweetie,” she says, in a tone that allows no argument. “We’re not trying to rush you,” she adds, which is a terrifying thing to hear from a woman who once planned Maya’s fifteenth birthday party two years in advance, “but your father and I were talking, and if you and Connor are already thinking seriously about a future together, then maybe it’s time to start thinking about what that future would actually look like.”
I stare at her, unsure whether I should argue or simply leave the room.
Connor’s arm is still around my shoulders, and when I tense, his fingers press lightly into my sleeve, rubbing my upper arm through the fabric like he’s trying to calm me down without making it obvious.
Annoyingly, it helps a little.
Dad clears his throat. “For example, your apartment.”
“Oh God,” I say, because now they’re ganging up on me.
“Noah,” Dad says, perfectly reasonable, “I’ve seen the photos of your building. It’s falling apart.”
“It is not falling apart,” I argue.
“You told us yourself the walls are paper-thin,” Mom says, with the confidence of someone who has been collectingevidence against my apartment for years. “And the heating is unreliable.” She pauses for half a second, then adds, “And your neighbor plays computer games at two in the morning, shouting like a maniac.”
I freeze, my cheeks going hot.
Shit. That was Connor.
I said that about him a year ago, when Mom was pressing me about why I’d slept until two p.m. on a Sunday, and apparently I decided the best defense was blaming the hot neighbor across the hall for yelling at his computer all night.
I did not expect her to bring it up in front of him. Frankly, I didn’t expect those two parts of my life to meet in this crossover episode from hell.
