Connor’s frown deepens, and I can tell he’s not following. The pause gets so unbearable that I take another gulp of wine—bigger than intended. It goes down the wrong pipe, and I cough hard, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.
“If last night was just a one-time thing for you, it’s all good,” I continue, feeling my fake happy expression twitch on my face like I’m about to burst out crying. “You don’t owe me anything. I won’t tell anyone.”
The second I say it, something twists sharply in my chest.
Not because of Connor. Because of me.
Because I know exactly what I’m offering, even if I’m acting like I don’t.
I’ve been down this road before. Three years with Rick, hiding in plain sight, waiting for him to be ready to acknowledge what we were to each other, crying every time he put his reputation before me. I told myself over and over again that I was okay with it, until I couldn’t pretend anymore.
And still, I stayed, even though being his secret was never what I really wanted.
If he hadn’t broken up with me, I probably never would’ve had the guts to do it myself, no matter how miserable I was. That’s why, after Rick, I promised myself I would never get into a relationship like that again.
And yet here I am—one night with Connor, and I’m practically handing him the same deal in different packaging.
The worst part is, if he agreed, I know I’d take it. I’d take whatever scraps of affection he was willing to give me, even if it meant sneaking around or pretending we’re just neighbors who occasionally get drunk and fall into bed together. I’d agree to anything if it meant keeping Connor in my life.
That’s how far gone I am already, and the realization makes me want to crawl out of my own skin.
“Noah,” Connor says firmly, pulling my attention back to him.
His expression is different now. More resolved, with his jaw tight enough to make the little muscle there jump.
He lets out a breath and says, “I’m gay.”
Wait, what?
I stare at him, convinced I must have misheard.
“What?” I say out loud.
“I’m gay,” he repeats, softer this time. “I like men. Exclusively.”
My brain feels like it’s buffering, trying to process information that completely contradicts everything I thought I knew about my neighbor.
“But… I thought…”
“Yeah,” Connor says with a slight grimace. “I wasn’t trying to hide it, if that’s what you’re thinking. I just don’t usually talk about it much. When you asked me to be your fake boyfriend, I actually thought maybe you knew. Then it felt weird to bring it up when you hadn’t asked, so…” He looks at me, clearly uncomfortable, though I don’t know why. “And later, when I realized you’d assumed my sister was my girlfriend, I knew you didn’t know. But by then, it felt even weirder to correct you.”
“Oh,” I say stupidly, because apparently my brain is still playing catch-up.
“Yes,” Connor says, looking slightly amused now.
I nod, still struggling to integrate this new reality.
I don’t know what I thought, actually. After last night, I didn’t have much time to think about anything. I mean, I was a little confused by how good he was at giving head, but apparently my brain just filed that under naturally gifted. Is that a thing? Can someone be a blowjob prodigy?
The closest I got to an explanation was probably some half-formed idea that maybe he was straight but curious. Or maybe he just needed to get off and I happened to be there, which doesn’t really hold up, considering he had his mouth on me for a truly heroic amount of time. But then he put me on my stomach and rutted against me like an animal—which was, yeah, kind of hot—and my brain apparently decided that supported the theory.
Anyway, it’s just strange to realize that Connor O’Reilly—my neighbor, who I’ve been sort of fantasizing about for months while assuming he was hopelessly straight—is actually gay.
Has been this whole time.
I blink, just staring at him.
Connor watches me carefully, his expression growing more uncertain with each second of my stunned silence. I should say something. Anything. But my thoughts are a jumbled mess, spinning like clothes in a dryer, impossible to grab onto.
