After walking over Bigham Road that crossed the center of the Village and passing 4 building units, I finally found mine. I was only one building away last night, if I had just kept going. Walking into the cellar, closing the door quietly behind me, I walked to thestairs and looked up, noticing the door at the top was open.
I closed it when I left.
Fuck!
Dad knows.
He knows I wasn’t here.
With my anxiety spiked, I walked up the stairs, not bothering to be quiet because what was the point now. When I got to the top landing, I saw dad sitting on the busted old blue couch that was now more grey. His head was in his hands, leaning forward. I took two steps into the room, closer to him but not able to say anything.
Breathing erratic, he finally looked up and saw me. His eyes were mournful and full of pain. Before I could even react, he was up and was charging me like a wild rhino, but instead of plowing me over like he looked like he was going to do, I was engulfed in his arms, being squeezed like a python would squeeze its prey.
“Dad–” I gasped out. Then I felt wetness on the side of my face. “Dad?” now worried.
He let go of me but didn’t go far, moving his hands to my face, sandwiching my cheeks. He looked into my eyes with his tear-filled ones. “You scared the hell out of me,” he whispered.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean too,” now getting as upset as him, a tear rolling down my cheek. Dad wiped it away, then hugged me again.
“Are you okay? Are you hurt? Where did you go and where were you all night?” He rapid fired all the questions at me that I was sure he had been thinking all night long.
“I’m okay, Dad. I promise. I’m sorry. I got turned around coming home last night. I couldn’t find our unit.”
“That only answered two of my questions, Charlie. Where did you go?” his tone was becoming more solid.
The silence was deafening. My hesitation was louder than a car backfiring, shooting sparks out its backend. When I avoided looking at him and kept quiet, annoyance entered his tone, “I’m waiting.”
“Ummm, I went to go find Jim and David,” whispering what I knew is going to cause a huge reaction.
Letting me go and taking two steps away from me like I had a contagion, I looked up at him staring at me in shock. “What were you thinking, Son? Are you insane!” He turned away from me, stepping in a circle, not able to get too far but seeming the need to move.
When he got back to facing me, he jerked to a stop, “Wait. How did you know where they were? They never stated where they were going when they invited us. And where did you end up?”
Taking a deep breath, preparing myself for the aftermath of what I was about to say. “I went to one of the bars that we have passed before on the way to the mine first. They weren’t there, but the bartender told me where they normally visit, so I went and found them there at Bigham’s Tavern.” I kept my mouth shut about the incident. He’d lock me up for good if he learned that.
“You wandered a city you don’t know to find two men you barely know… for what? Why?” His volume got louder the more he spoke with his arms gesturing out, eyes full of question and worry. His fear of the past probably flooded his memory, thinking what had happened was going to happen again.
“Dad,” trying not to sound too whiny, “Please calm down. I’m okay. I know you don’t or can’t understand, but I needed some freedom. I constantly feel like I’min a cage, only being let out an arm or leg at a time, never my full body.”
I felt tears being held back by the edges of my eyelids, so I looked up and blinked to try to control my emotions before I continued. “I feel physically trapped by fear all the time, from you and from myself. I am sick of feeling like that!” I looked back down to him, “I don’t want to be some bird behind bars, chirping for attention only to be left alone. I can’t live like that.”
After taking a deep breath, like he was trying to breathe in what I was saying so he could process it fully, he exhaled more than he breathed in like his body was rejecting it. “But you can’t,” he said simply with eyes hard as diamond and tone stressed.
Then his cheeks relaxed and his eyes softened. “I’m sorry. You scared me to death. And I’m sorry that you feel caged. I truly am. But we have to be careful. I love you with every fiber of my being. You are all I have left in my life that really matters. If anything would ever happen to you,” He trailed off then walked back over to me, grabbing my arms. “I love you for who you are, for the way you are.”
I stood there in shock. He had never said any of this to me before. Even after finding out that I liked men, he stayed in his normal quiet state, except for when we had to move but even then, he didn’t say any of this or make any loving verbal affirmations. He just picked us up and moved us away. When I gasped and hiccupped, that’s when I noticed I was actively crying. Fully.
“I may not understand why you are the way you are, Charlie, but that doesn’t mean you are not anything less to me than before,” he said forcefully. “I need to keep you safe though. And I know that it’s probably not a great feeling that you are trapped, but I don’t know how else to protect you.”
With my vision blurred, my nose wet, I gasped, “Dad, I can’t stay contained. I can’t.” I felt like I was shaking. I was worked up to the point that even thinking about having to stay totally hidden away from people in public was making me fall apart more than when my mom died.
I understood that I had to be careful. How any person could be illegal is beyond me. I could be arrested for just being me, even walking down the street. Or the worst of the worst could happen, which I don’t even want to think about.
But do I live to live with high risk? Or do I live to hide in safety? Which would kill me faster?
He had been rubbing his hands up and down my arms. “Shhhhh, Charlie,” he whispered and brought me back into his arms, and this time I’m holding him in return, continuing to shake and gasping for breath.
“I know this secret can’t get out,” I said into his shoulder, sniffling and leaving behind emotional residue on his shirt. “And I am constantly terrified about what could happen if people found out about me. And what could also happen to you.” I pulled away and wiped my face and looked at my dad in his eyes, trying to bear the seriousness of my next statement. “But I can’t not live some semblance of my life.”
