“When I said that, I meant in the fucking mine,” not calming down in the least.
“What are you afraid of, Mike? Huh,” raising my voice a little to show a little more dominance, that I don’t cower. “Tell me. What are you afraid of? Or am I missing something?”
He broke eye contact after he didn’t say anything for what felt like a whole minute, looking down, burrowing his eyes into the ground instead of me. But I wasn’t going to let this go. Something is going on or had happened. With Charlie’s behavior Friday night and Mike not letting him breathe and constantly giving me the evil eye, I wanted an answer, even if it’s him saying the word‘nothing’.
“I’m going to ask again. What’s going on?” I ask more calmly, hoping to get him to see that I just care and that I’m not like one of these other jagoffs in this town or down in that mine. “Mike, did something happen to make you so protective of your adult son? Because I have never met any father that has contained their kid like this.”
Mike’s shoulders deflated and he released air that I think he was holding in his lungs. When he looked up, I saw a sadness that I didn’t know he could show. “He’s all I have left.” I think I must have looked confused because he continued. “My wife, she died. I wouldn’t say it was sudden, we had warning. Before she did, she told me that Charlie was different. She told me, but I didn’t believe her,” he had so much anguish in his voice.
I stepped closer to him, but he stepped back and held out his hand to hold me off. “She said I didn’t have to believe her but to make a promise. She made me promise that no matter what, I needed to protect our son. No matter who he grew up to be, he was goingto need a special kind of love and care to survive this world.”
“Mike,” starting to say that it was okay, but he cut me off with a statement instead.
“It happened again, didn’t it? You know. You found out.” Expressing fear on another level. I could see the gears in his mind speeding up with thoughts and plans.
“Mike,” I repeat. When he didn’t look at me, trapped in his own mind, I walked up to him and put my hand on his shoulder forcing him to come back to the now. “I don’t know what happened in your past, and I understand your worry but please hear me now,” I paused to pierce him with my seriousness, “You don’t have anything to worry about with me.” Waiting for my statement to land and Mike’s face to relax until I stepped back.
“Charlie was right. You are a good guy,” but I could hear the failure in his voice. “I normally am better at reading someone’s character, but everything has made me so blind lately. So paranoid.”
“I’m sure this is the last thing you want to hear, especially from me right now, but Mike, Charlie is a great guy too. He has such a strong head on his shoulders, but you won’t let him use it,” sympathy bleeding out of me.
He dropped his brows and squinted at me. “Was that your way of telling me I’m an uptight asshole of a father, because I already know this.” With how throaty he always was talking in my direction, I’m surprised he didn’t have sore vocal cords.
“You are not an asshole of a father. Look how far you have come, without your wife, and loving your son even though he likes–,” but I cut myself off before I said what I was about to, especially out in the opennext to the park where there were parents and their kids, even though they were a good distance away.
However, I also wanted to come to Charlie’s defense too. “But you need to let him breathe, Mike. He is nineteen years old. You can only protect him so much. I can see that it’s probably changed the DNA of Charlie’s personality from how he was before. Am I right?”
“What do you know,” he asked with accusation, turning around to start walking.
“AM. I. RIGHT?” I yelled, his dismissive tone and attitude setting me off. The feeling was an odd one as it’s so rare I raised my voice, let alone screamed. But I needed to make this point, and I needed Mike to embrace the truth about what was happening. The full picture, not just physically, but emotionally. That sadness of not living can be just as all-consuming as the sadness of grief, especially once it got to a certain low.
Mike stopped in his tracks, though. But when he didn’t turn around, I continued in a calmer voice. “I see it. I’ve only known him for four days now, but I see his real self. It slips out at moments. And a guy with a personality like that shouldn’t have his fire smothered.”
Mike turned around then, with tears flooding his eyes, but hadn't spilled over. “You see him. The real him. You see the real Charlie like I used to, and what, you don’t care?”
“No,” I answered, making fear return to his face. “I do care, Mike, but I don’t care who Charlie is, like others would.” His tears finally fall which is an odd sight to see, Mike breaking. “But I see so much more of him. I see all of him. Not justthatpart.”
His eyes closed with another stream running down his face. “That promise you made me make aboutCharlie down in the mine,” catching his attention. “I will keep it, but it won’t stop once the workday ends, if he is with me.”
He nodded his head and gulped out, “Thank you.” He sniffled and then wiped away the snot and tears.
I nodded. Sticking my tongue up between my top teeth and lip, my mind still reeling with this whole day and how this conversation had ended it. I still have questions, but I figured I will get my answers sooner rather than later. “Go home to your son. I will see you both tomorrow.” I actually felt exhausted all of a sudden.
Mike turned around and started to walk down to the lower part of the Village, and I was heading to my door when I barely heard him say, “Thank you.” I turned and saw he had stopped a little bit down the road looking back at me. I raised my hand in the air in silent response and parting.
Getting inside the door and closing it, I leaned back and slid down the worn wood until my ass hit the floor. I banged my head back and closed my eyes. Charlie knows I know. Mike knows I know. But no one knows about me.
Yet.
fourteen
Bleeding Anger
Charlie
Iwas in such a state of panic, that I’m surprised I haven’t broken the spine of my new book, I was hugging it so tight.
I thought my dad had lost his mind and had completely forgotten what we talked about last night. I kept peeking behind to get a glance at them since they were standing in the middle of the road, which is straight as an arrow. I couldn’t hear them, but what I could see of Jim’s facial expression– it’s not great.
