“It’s new,” I say, fidgeting with the fabric.
“It’s…uh, wow.” He looks like he may drool.
Yeah, Jessica definitely had a gift.
Fingers linked, we walk to the edge of the water, talking about our jobs and the impending tourist season. I tell him how Justin took me to the Camp and how the girls at the shop next door helped me pick out the bathing suit he couldn’t keep his eyes off of.
“Now I know who to thank,” he says, pulling me close as the cold water rolls over our toes.
“They know about me and Justin,” I say, touching his hard sides. His lips meet my forehead. “I mean, they saw me at the Camp with him.”
“Isabel and Jessica are notorious gossips, babe. They’re younger but we all went to school with them. They’ve tried to hang out with our crowd since they were fourteen. They think it’s their job to notice everything.”
“Do you think they’ll notice us? All of us?”
He looks down at me and because of the roar of the ocean, it’s like we’re all alone in that moment. Which is what makes it dangerous. I scan the beach but there’s not many people out. Even so…
I glance around and take small step back. He notices.
“You’re worried they’ll talk about us?”
“It’s a small town, Pete. One girl with four guys…it doesn’t look great.”
“Fuck them,” he replies. “It’s none of their damn business and there’s not a soul in this town that should judge.”
I sigh and look out into the ocean. Both Whit and Nick caught a wave and are riding it toward the shore.
“I’m just not used to the scrutiny.” I brush my hair out of my eyes. “My mom always had the attention on her, you know? I mean, no one even noticed when I was dating my teacher. I’ve always been pretty invisible.”
He shakes his head. “Bullshit. There’s no possible way you were invisible.”
With the way he looks at me, I almost believe it. “Only a boy that spent his life in a group that’s the focus of attention would assume that.”
“You’re beautiful, exciting, and new. You also have a famous mother. So yeah, people are definitely going to notice you, especially here. But we’ve got your back—always—if you want to keep things on the DL or if you want to flaunt it in public. It’s your choice. Always.”
In the distance, Justin catches a wave of his own and it’s hard not to notice how free he seems out there—not a care in the world. He’s learned to let go, just like the others have. I want to learn that, too.
“I’m tired of hiding,” I say, thinking of that year with Mason and even the evasiveness I had at Vanderbilt. “But I’m just not ready for everything to be out there, you know?”
“I know.”
Three boys make their way toward us, coasting on the waves. I take Pete’s hand and drag him into the water, feeling the dark water cover me like a blanket. Even though the water scares me,once the waves have swallowed us and I know no one can see, I relax into the fluidity of the ocean, of my boys and what we mean to one another.
The questionof freedom and secrecy is still on my mind as I lean against the car in the parking lot behind Books by the Beach the next day. Nick’s weight is against me, his mouth warm and demanding. He’d been waiting by the car when I came out, suddenly overwhelmed by how my body had reacted.
I’d surprised him, I know, when I pulled him close and kissed his neck. My heart hammered not just from his nearness, but from the publicness of it all. I’m participating in PDA—something I never thought I’d do.
“What’s this all about?” he says, his voice deep and husky. “Yesterday, literally yesterday, you said you wanted to keep all this private.”
“I know.” He makes my brain fuzzy. They all do. “Hormones are complicated, ridiculous things.”
“I mean, I’m not going to complain.”
“I just…I think no PDA may be a hard rule. So, I think something in the middle may be better—it’s just a new thing I want to try.” I pull him by the waistband, and when his hips meet mine I feel the hard length between his legs.
“Well, this new thing is killing me.” He grimaces and shifts.
“We could go back to the office?”
