“Well it hinges on that really—if they actually want me to stick around.” It’s the first time I’ve said it out loud.
“Ifthe guys want you to?” She laughs. “You know they’re dying for you to be close to home.”
“Maybe. I don’t know. It’s a shift in our relationship and I’m not sure it’s what they want.”
“Have you asked them?”
I shake my head. “No. Not yet.”
She rolls her eyes. “Girl, what are you waiting for?”
“The right moment, I guess.”
Juliana squawks, popping her mouth off Anita’s boob. Her mother holds her up and rubs her back, eliciting a surprisingly loud burp. “If the last week has taught us anything, cousin, it’s that there’s no such thing as the right moment.” She stands and holds out the baby. I take her and tuck her into the crook of my arm, not completely used to it yet. “Plus, I want you here for purely selfish reasons. I want to hang out with you and I want my kids to have an amazing, strong woman as their cousin and role model.”
“Even one that sleeps with four guys at once?”
She sighs. “Babe, if I didn’t already have the hottest of the three Hawkins men, I would be right there with you. Live the life you’ve got. Take the love you’ve got. Don’t turn away from that because of something a batshit crazy guy said to you, okay?”
I look down at Juliana, who’s in the middle of a yawn and happily snuggles into my arms. Anita’s right. I want to see this little one grow up—be her role model and cultivate the relationships with the men I love. It’s time to make it official and become a true citizen of Ocean Beach.
58
Summer
The Fourth isa week way and tourist season is in full swing. Finding time to see everyone is a challenge, and there’s no doubt the boys are a bit wary about my state of healing, but when my mom invites everyone over for dinner I ask her if it’s okay if I take a walk with them down Richard’s long dock afterward.
“Don’t take too long,” she says, “I bought pie from that bakery that moved in next to the boutique.”
I wasn’t sure who would win out, me or pie, but they easily follow me out on the boardwalk, past the carriage house and tall tree with the swing hanging underneath. The sun sets somewhere west, hidden behind the thick trees along the waterway, and it’s a welcome reprieve from the intense summer heat.
The boys are in their various states; Justin and Pete in their marina work shirts, Nick in a Citadel football T-shirt, and Whit with his shaggy blond hair and sun-kissed skin. They sit on the built-in benches, Whit up on the railing. I find a space across from them. I need to see their faces. Justin’s is lined with worry.
“Is everything okay?”
“Yes. I think so. I just…I want to stay,” I tell them. “For good. I want to leave Vanderbilt and transfer somewhere down here. I have for a long time but I just wasn’t sure if it was the right decision. I spent years fighting for that spot at Vandy but now it’s not the right fit, it hasn’t been for a while, and after everything that’s happened this summer I want to be closer to home. To you guys. To Ocean Beach.”
Pete smiles and says, “That’s…”
I hold up my hands. “Wait. There’s more. Avery said some things while he had me in that camper. Awful things, about me and my relationship with you all and before I make this decision, I have to know the truth; are you really okay with how things are? With all of us being in this relationship together? Not just for the three months we’re here but for the long haul?”
It’s hard asking for the truth like this and even harder being under the scrutinizing gaze of these amazing, handsome men. There’s a moment where none of them say anything although a million, silent thoughts pass through the best friends until Nick stands and walks over to me. With both hands, he lifts me from the bench and slides his arms around my waist. He’s so big and in his arms, I feel tiny but safe. “Trust me, we’ve never been happier. I’ve never been happier. You’ve given me a chance to express all sides of myself. The artistic and the physical, the fun and the serious. Thank you for that.”
He seals this statement with a kiss, the kind I feel down in my toes, the kind I’ve missed over the past few weeks. He’s gentle, careful with my battered body, but I feel his want and desire and I hope I can convey the same. He’s left me breathless but releases me with a tiny shove in the direction of the guys. I’m caught by Pete, who strokes my cheek with the back of his hand and lifts my chin. “I’ve never been more scared in my life when I realized you were gone, and I’ve never felt such exhilaration,finding you alive. If I ever had a doubt about my feelings for you, or us, they were shattered that day. If you left for Vanderbilt, I would have stowed away in your car.” He kisses me sweetly. “You’re not getting rid of me or any of these guys any time soon. Got it?”
My lips are warm and I can still taste him on my tongue. “Got it.”
I turn and find Justin behind me, slow smirk tugging at his lips. “I’ve been waiting for you to figure this out.”
“What?”
“That we’re all in and want you here with us. I mean, the rest of us knew it, we just needed you to clue in.”
“Guess I needed a near-death experience to figure it out.”
He makes a face, his blue eyes flashing.
“Too soon?” I ask.
