I am so shocked, I turn, eyes wide, sure I heard it wrong.
Everyone is silent, staring at her, and I know they’re all shocked.
“I have a problem,” Tatiana goes on, and my heart is pounding against my chest. “After I ran out of my anti-anxiety pills, I was struggling, but it isn’t just that... I... I was using,before this trip. It started out small, some painkillers for my ankle and...”
My heart explodes as I rush towards her, throwing my arms around her neck. She loses it, crumbling into me. “Oh honey,” I say, my eyes burning. “You should have told us. You never had to do that alone.”
“Oh sweetheart,” Aggie is by our side now, too, her arms around the both of us. “My sweet girl, you should have spoken up.”
Tatiana is sobbing, heavily.
It’s horrible.
“Fuck,” Zeke mutters. “Tatiana, I’m sorry.”
Tatiana shakes her head, pulling away and swiping her tears. “No, don’t be sorry. I made a mistake. I... I was too scared to tell anyone, and I thought if I could just take one here and there, it might get me through the withdrawals.”
“How bad is it?” Ace asks, his voice low.
Tatiana just stares at the ground, tears dripping quietly into her lap, her hands shaking so violently that Aggie reaches over and folds them between her own. The rest of us don’t move. I’ve heard the word “withdrawal” before, but I’ve never actually seen it. Tatiana looks hollowed out, like some part of her evaporated and left the rest of her on autopilot.
We had all noticed, of course, but we figured it was just being stuck out here.
A depression of sorts.
Ace crouches down in front of her, meeting her eyes. “You been using every day?” he asks, but gently, so gently it almost hurts.
She shakes her head, a sharp, desperate movement. “No, just enough. I—I thought maybe it would get better on its own if I kept cutting down, but it didn’t. I tried, I really did, I just—” She covers her face for a second, then looks at us, and I’ve never seenher so exposed. “Do you know what it’s like to need something so badly you’ll do anything just to get a little bit of it? That’s what this feels like.”
I nod, even though I don’t. Maybe I just want her to know I’m listening.
Zeke is watching us, and Kellen and Adrian stand back, their faces careful. Rachel is standing, not saying a word, just watching with an odd expression on her face. Maybe this is a familiar story to her. Who knows. None of us really know a great deal about the others, not really.
“Why didn’t you just say something?” Zeke asks. “If it was that bad?”
Tatiana’s voice is tiny, so quiet. “I was scared and embarrassed. It isn’t easy to admit you have a problem that big.”
“I’m so sorry we didn’t notice, even back then,” Aggie whispers. “I didn’t know your ankle had gotten so bad...”
“It started with my ankle, but it escalated from there. The doctor gave me codeine, told me not to dance for a month, but the competition—” she swallows, shakes her head again. “I danced anyway, and it didn’t get better. They started giving me cortisone, but I kept pushing, and then I hurt my back. I was in so much pain and they put me on oxycodone for that. It turned everything off. That’s the only way I could keep performing. The pills were the only thing that made me feel normal. It’s the real reason I walked away from my lead position. Somehow, they found out and I was forced to step down.”
How did they find out?
I’m confused, but I say nothing, because right now isn’t the time.
Her voice, for a moment, is terrifyingly flat.
“I’m sorry you had to go through that alone,” I say, my voice soft.
“I thought I had it under control until the Oxy ran out. The doc wouldn’t refill, he said I was getting dependent. I found it somewhere else. Didn’t take much, but I needed it. Now, here...” Her eyes water again. “I’m sorry. I tried to make it last, but it wasn’t enough and it hurt in a way I can’t even explain.”
Ace looks over at Zeke, then Kellen. “How many left?”
Zeke’s jaw works. “Ten.”
Ace thinks on it. “We can try and wean you down, but ten tablets isn’t enough to do that. The only option might be cold turkey. It will hurt like hell, but it’s the quickest and easiest way while we’re stuck out here.”
Tatiana’s laugh is sharp and bitter. “Have you ever seen someone go cold turkey? It’s terrifying. I’ll probably be screaming and crying,” she exhales, long and slow, “But it’s fine. What choice do we have? We’re stuck here.”
