“Really?”
“Really.”
“But why Marcus? I just…don’t get it.”
“With your personality, you would never admit to wanting submission unless…”
I sit on the edge of my seat. “Unless?”
“Unless you know you can emotionally destroy the person you’re physically submitting to.”
My lips part.Oh.Is that what my ghosting and slippery behavior were? Me testing whether I have dominance over Marcus in an emotional sense?
I had to know he’d always want me more, care about me more, and like me enough to never be able to leave me?
But he already did.
“I wish it were only sex. It would’ve been much simpler that way,” I murmur, running a hand over my face.
“When did it change?”
“I don’t know.”
“Around the time you agreed to be exclusive?”
“Maybe. I just…like spending time with him in his tiny but warm house. I love that, despite his intensity, he’s observant and caring. He always makes me delicious food and gives me these ridiculous mango candies I’m addicted to now, as if I’m back to being a kid again. He also shares his mom with me. The three of us went skiing the other day, and she bought me hot chocolate. She’s such a rock star—she hugs me and tells me she’s glad Marcus has me.Me?Can you believe it? You’d better, I’m not lying. Anyway, I really like June, and I’m jealous I never had a mom like her. Point is, I…do want to go to him, but Ican’t.”
Dr. Duret writes something in her notes but doesn’t ask me one of her usual distasteful questions.
Just keeps scribbling and scribbling and scribbling, and the scratch of the pen against the paper feels like she’s dragging it against my skull.
Scratch.
Scratch.
Scratch.
“Are you going to say anything?” I snap.
She pauses, lifting her gaze toward me. “What do you want me to say?”
“Your therapist nonsense, maybe? Ask me why I’m spiraling more than usual? Why…I’m self-medicating more than any time in my life?”
“Why?”
“Because…because…Marcus thinks I’m thisperfectPrince Charming that he can’t get enough of, but that’s only because I’m keeping my hideous side hidden under lock and key.”
“Why not open up about that time, Preston? You don’t have to tell him in person if it feels overwhelming. You cansend a letter, an email, or a text. It could be cathartic to write everything down.”
“Fuck no! I’d…I’d rather take the same pills Mom ended her life with than let him see.”
“See what?”
“The rot inside me.”
“You believe he’d be scared?”
“No. He’d bedisgusted.”
