He swallowed thickly. “I have a few ideas.”
She’d do a headstand in the center of the kitchen if he said it would help. “I’m all ears. Are the bricks part of your thinking?”
“They are,” he answered, testing the weight of the one in his hand.
“More remodeling? Bashing your best friend’s head in because she can be an idiot?”
Another slow move of his Adam’s apple as he gave a painful smile. “Never. The bricks were inspired by Sawyer. We all met today. Nanine and Carl included. They came over after you’d visited Nanine. I hope you understand why I didn’t ask you. I needed help, and I didn’t know who else to turn to.”
Because she was the problem here. “I wondered why no one texted me. I’d expected Thea to show up teary-eyed at least. When it didn’t happen, I was a little disappointed honestly. But then again, I’ve got a sick sense of humor.”
“No, you’re pretty perfect.” He held out the brick. “I’mthinking you’ll be able to figure out my reasoning for this. Sawyer inspired it with a quote.”
She gestured to the brick. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?”
“No. I’ve never liked that one.”
He wouldn’t. She didn’t either.
“Dean went cross-eyed when he heard the quote, but it’s pretty simple, if you ask me…Your task is not to seek for love,but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it, and embrace them.”
Rubbing her forehead, she braced herself. Words likefearandbarriersandlovesounded like the proverbial meat grinder. But he was her best friend, and before they’d changed that, she’d listened to him. “All right. Run me through it.”
Holding up the brick, he studied it like she’d seen British actors study human skulls in weird dramas on PBS when she was a kid. “This brick represents my walls. Because while you and our other friends might call me the Golden Boy, I’ve still got them, the way all of us do. I try to protect myself with the belief that everything is under control and possible. And I tend to hide behind that belief when I’m feeling really upset. Like I am now.”
God, he was going to lay himself bare. She had to purse her mouth to control her rising emotions. “I’m sorry about that. You know I am.”
“I do.” He didn’t glance away, letting her see the pain in his eyes. “I’m sorry too. So here’s my brick, representing all the walls I have in place.”
He let it fall to the ground with a great bang.
The sound caught her right in the heart.
“Funny, I was kinda hoping it would crack in two.” He shrugged and gave a strangled laugh. “More dramatic effect.”
She clamped her teeth over her lower lip. Oh God, she suddenly realized what he was going to do. “Kyle?—”
“When I was a kid, any time I showed weakness—like crying or wanting affection—my dad would bring out his belt. He pretty much beat any tears or need for affection out of me. But last night, missing you, I couldn’t stop myself. I broke down. I cried with Spike in my arms, and then I let him sleep with me. Because I was hurting so bad, and that little guy… He gave me comfort on the worst night of my life.”
She had to blink back tears. Dammit, something was clawing frantically at her throat.
“I didn’t sleep well, mostly dozed finally, but when I woke up, I had a puppy nuzzling my face. I remembered you weren’t in bed with me and what had happened, and I got upset all over again. Spike got upset too when he couldn’t find you, but I’m not saying that to hurt you. I’m saying it because we’re a family, Madison. The three of us. I want you, and I want the family we’ve started.”
Dashing at her eyes, she couldn’t look away as he held his arms open.
“My wall has been destroyed,” he continued. “I feel powerless right now. To help you win your star. I feel like I’ve failed you, and that’s the hardest thing I’ve ever admitted to anyone. Because I don’t fail. And I certainly don’t want to fail the person I love the most in the world.”
Dammit, tears were rolling down her face as his voice cracked.
“You have taught me that I can be me—the so-called Golden Boy—and your best friend and partner. You’ve let me be who I am. And now I’m showing you what I wouldn’t have had the guts to do before I dropped my final walls.”
Her lip started to tremble as he took a step toward her, his arms extended.
“You were right about Operation Kyle all along. I do have a huge need for love. I was starved for it as a kid. You gave me Spike because you knew. And I wanted a home. I bought one here in Paris for the people I consider family, and slowlythey’ve found their life partners and moved on to make homes with them. But that felt okay, because you are the heart of the home I want. Welcoming you home at night is something I look forward to all day. I love every minute we spend together. Mad, you’ve opened up my whole world, and I don’t want it to close down again.”
He blew out a long breath, wiping his nose while she fought tears. That he was doing this—sharing all of his deepest feelings with her…
She didn’t even know how to take it all in. She just knew it had to be hard because even the thought of baring herself like he was doing scared the hell out of her.
