A harsh sigh filled the empty space between them before she drilled him with another icy glare. “No, it doesn’t. Dammit, take off your hat and talk to me. I assume Will told you his plans?”
He reached up to take his cowboy hat off, but he managed to drop it to the floor. “He did, and I’m behind him all the way.”
She took a step closer in her fancy shoes, which suited her black pants and green blouse. City clothes. He missed her in jeans and a plaid shirt.
“Like it’s that easy, Ben. We have to agree to at least get along if I’m going to consider Will’s proposal. Honestly, his passion to help people and Sarah’s otherworldly messages are the only reason I agreed to talk to you.”
He widened his stance. “I deserve every bad thing you can say to me. You can’t know how ashamed I am about what happened. It’s why I’ve avoided you until now. I didn’t know what to tell you.”
“Since we’re doing this, why don’t you tell me the truth?” Her green eyes blazed. “Tell me why you wouldn’t answer my calls or my texts or my emails. Ben, you shut me completely out and then immediately hooked up with theperson I loathed the most. You knew I was coming back in a year. You couldn’t wait for me?”
Her voice broke, and his side was starting to burn with pain. He had to bite back the angry words he wanted to spew about how much she’d hurt him, not turning to planning their marriage after college like they’d agreed.
But enough years had passed that he could see how irrationally he’d behaved when she’d followed through with her plans to head to Scotland. He could blame it on being kids. He could blame it on being shortsighted and selfish.But I’ve learned more about myself over the last seven years.Becoming a father had helped him.
“When you left, I thought you’d walked away from me for good. I ran wild, and I drank until I passed out. I didn’t believe you were coming back.”Like Mama never came back.Ben hadn’t realized until years later how much that wound had festered and erupted when Hannah left.She still wanted to marry me…and I pushed her away instead.
“But I told you I was returning, Ben. You should have believed me.”
He knew that now too. She’d never lied to him before then, so he should have trusted her. Only those four years of waiting in college and their time apart had frayed his trust. He should have remained faithful and acted like a man who had loved someone with his every breath.Not like a self-absorbed kid acting out, thinking they were over.
He held up a hand. “I wish I had. Amber was the second greatest mistake of my life after losing you. But I’ll never regret my son. Cooper’s given me a purpose to keep going after you left, the best part of this whole hell of a tragedy between us. But you should know what I told Will. I am one hundred percent behind his idea, and I will do everything I must to make you come home and work with him since that’s what he wants.”
She shook her head, her eyes wary. “Ben, I know you. Nothing is ever that easy.”
“Easy? No, it won’t be easy, but I’ll face it like a man. One, because it’s what Will needs. Two, because I still know how to read you, and you miss home.”
The first crack in her defenses appeared, an angry flush crawling up her neck. “That won’t be enough. What do you get out of it?”
He kicked at the floor, hating himself and all the shitty thoughts tangled up inside him. Why were the worst things about yourself the ones you couldn’t outrun? Will was right. He needed to stop punishing himself.
“This is hard for me to say, but you wanted the truth. Maybe finally facing you will take all this anger and hurt out of me so I can show up more for Will and my boy. I didn’t know how much I was letting Will down until today. You can’t imagine how I felt when I got that call about the accident…”
“I have some idea,” she said softly.
“Ah, hell, Hannah.” He almost reached for her. “I’m sorry. Of course you know.”
“I thought of you and Will and everyone after Jolene called to tell me about the accident. I wished I’d been here.”
He had too. She would have gripped his hand as he’d sat in that stinkin’ hospital waiting room, praying like he’d never prayed, jumping every time someone came out of the beige double doors, fearing the worst. “I didn’t know about you helping him. I owe you.”
“It’s the least I could do.” Her voice sounded choked.
“You would say that.” The right side of his mouth tipped up. “Hell, you had to leave Scotland for helping the wounded. Growing up, you had to take care of anything hurt. That’s why maybe we have a chance to put things right between us. We promised we’d never break each other, Hannah, and honestly, I can say losing you almost did me in.”
The lone line of her slender throat moved as she swallowed thickly. “For a while, I thought the same.”
He nodded slowly, feeling the thick beat of his heart. “I’ve never told another soul this, but there were moments when I didn’t care about getting thrown from a horse or skidding off the road when I drove too fast in Switchback Canyon. Not until Cooper. When the doctor handed him to me, he was more helpless than a little foal, wriggling around and crying in my big hands. But he was mine, and I was going to show up for him every single day.”
He watched the tension in her face and wondered if she was thinking about all the hours they’d spent talking about having a family, naming each and every kid they could imagine ever having.
“I wish he was ours,” he admitted hoarsely, “but he isn’t. He’s himself, and I love him more than I ever thought I could love again. You and Will are different. You’re equals. But Cooper keeps looking up to me to take care of him, and now as he’s getting older, to show him the way to being a man. I don’t want him to ever doubt me, Hannah, and as he grows into his own and learns the mistakes I’ve made, I’m scared shitless he’ll judge me like you have and pull away.”
She flinched, and he hated seeing it.
“Maybe making things right between us will put all these broken pieces back together somehow. Because I’m tired of feeling ashamed and wanting to run every time I think about seeing you.”
He knew his voice had an unnatural pitch, and he wasn’t sure how much more he could stand as she clasped her hands to her chest, tears prickling in those hurting eyes of hers.
