She felt confident that Ben had been the one to ensure her saddle and hat were ready for her to use.Despite our past, he was still kind to her.Clearly, he and Flame were besties now.But it was confusing. What was she to make of his actions when the day before it had seemed he wanted nothing to do with her by not coming up with Will and Cooper to welcome her?
One moment at a time, Hannah. You’ve got this.
She hoped.
CHAPTER TWELVE
His actionsseven years ago still filled him with shame.
Had he not had Cooper and the farm, his self-loathing would have crushed him.
How will she react?
She was like Flame this morning—striking hot one moment, drooping shoulders and sad eyes the next. That Hannah—the one who didn’t have all the answers—had always called mightily to him. He’d wanted to comfort her. Protect her. Tell her he would help her take care of things.
But you can’t turn back time, no matter how much you want to.
Like when Sarah died and the whole world seemed to go dark. No, all he’d done then was hold her and hold her some more as she cried so hard he feared she was going to break apart.
Now he was the one who’d made her cry, and his gut burned with the shame of it all.
The ride did him good, even as he kept an eye on her and Orion. His horse would take care of her, but he could tell she hadn’t sat on one in some time. Sure, her instincts were still good, but her leg strength wasn’t. He didn’t care how much people “worked out.” The real stuff like riding horses andlifting hay didn’t prepare a greenhorn for anything. Still, she kept up a good pace, heading through the grazing pasture to the open valley where Big Red stood alone.
When she pulled up, he did the same a few feet away. “My God! I can’t believe it. I heard lightning struck the day I left, but I never came out to see the damage.”
He could still smell the burnt butterscotch in the air and feel all the pain he’d carried inside him that day. “I was here. So was Flame. We were lucky we weren’t killed.”
Her shocked eyes searched his face. “You wereherethe moment lightning struck the tree?”
“Yeah.” He tipped his cowboy hat up, taking in some fresh air. “Later, I wondered if Sarah didn’t have anything to do with the strike.”
That gave Hannah a full-body shiver.
“Now that Will told me about his near-death experience,” Ben continued, watching her carefully, “I’ve gotten chills thinking that might have been the case.”
She shifted in her saddle. “Why would Sarah do that?”
God, he didn’t want to tell her, but there was no running from the truth. He’d never told anyone what he’d planned to do that day. “I’d come here to remove where I’d carved our initials on Big Red. I didn’t think I could stomach riding past it when we weren’t together anymore.”
“Oh, Ben.”
Tears burned her eyes, but the way she still said his name…
She might as well have killed him right then and there.
“Sometimes I thought you had it easier. Leaving. Not facing places every damn day that held memories.”
“Easier?Do you have any idea how alone I felt? Landing in a foreign country, knowing no one, facing all the adventures we’d planned on my own. Away from you and everyone I cared about. Easy! It was tough as hell.”
They were already getting riled up. Him because he’dcome to realize too late that she was thousands of miles away with no one while he was facing the biggest mistake of his life. He’d thought about going after her when he hit rock bottom with Amber, but he didn’t know how he could tell her what he’d done, how she could forgive him. Then he’d learned Amber was pregnant…
“You want to do this here or at Sarah’s place?” he asked roughly, spotting a herd of elk crossing to the south.
She nodded stiffly in their direction. “Sarah’s. It’s more private. Words carry in the valley.”
With that, she rode off toward the grassy hills rising to the tree-lined ridge. The scent of Douglas firs filled the air along with the soothing smells of summer, warm earth, and stone. Good smells. The kind that put steel into a man and made all the routine worth it.
They cut up the trail past towering ponderosas, rough-hewn rocks, and tumbled boulders lined with brightly colored wildflowers and summer native grasses. The sun was rising over the mountains to the east, filling the sky with yellow rays and the first hint of blue. There would be no rain today. Too bad since the cattle could use a good shower with their summer coats thick with dust.
