Still clinging to his wife, Edward pulled Celestine through the crowd. On the way, he was sure to ask Celestine’s mother if she might look over Millicent for the night, to which she agreed. There was so much he had to say to his wife, so much he had to prove, and he needed her alone to do it.
So, together, he and Celestine walked from the garden, through the ballroom, and toward his carriage. The first part of the night was finished, but the hardest part, that which he dreaded and reached for in equal measure, was yet to come.
Chapter Thirty
They said nothing on the ride home.
Oh, there was so much that Celestine wanted to say. Just as she could see that Edward was desperate to explain himself. Between them, that desire to speak sat heavy, even a little awkward, and it was all Celestine could do to keep her mouth shut.
Mostly, she did so because she knew that if either of them ought to speak first, it was Edward. He was the one who had always been closed off. He was the one who had driven her away. And he was the one who had rescued her.
She sat across from him, she found his eyes in the dark, and she let him know that she was ready when he was. As for Edward? He simply took her hand and held it tightly. Even that, such a small gesture, was enough for Celestine to know that tonight would not end poorly.
Truly, I just want to get it over with!
They arrived not long after leaving. And Edward, as if afraid to lay any doubt in Celestine’s mind, clung to her hand as he helped her from the carriage. Then he kept hold as they walked down the driveway and inside together.
From there it was through the vast manor, toward the drawing room. She searched Edward’s face the best that she could as he led her. She saw the doubt. She saw the worry and nervousness. But she also saw the determination.
It made Celestine smile.
After what he had done tonight, she knew now how he felt about her. For that reason, she was not worried about what might pass next. However, she knew just as well that for them to move on, Edward needed to be open with her, to be real. He needed to confess his feelings once and for all.
A week ago, that might have seemed impossible. But now… now, she knew what was about to happen.
They entered the drawing room, and Edward closed the door softly. Still holding her hand, he hesitated. “A drink?” he asked, his voice breaking.
“No.” Gently, she peeled her hand free. “What I want, Edward, is for you to tell me the truth.”
“The truth?” He started and leaned back, doubt passing his face.
She rolled her eyes. “I have a lot to say, Edward, but not until you say it first. Why you let me leave. Why you brought me back. What do you want?” Her brow furrowed, almost frustration. “Tell me the truth of it or… or risk losing me forever.”
Edward considered her for a moment and then, as if he needed it to give him courage, he took her hand a second time and held it to his chest.
“The truth…” A deep breath. “The truth is, I have not just lied to you, Celestine, but to myself. When we first married, you were not entirely wrong in your assumption about me. Jealousy drove me…” He winced. “I did not know why, but you… I could not stop thinking about you. As I told you that night, I wanted you like nothing else, and I would not be satisfied until I had you.”
She said nothing, meeting his eyes, willing him to continue.
“It started as an easy lie to swallow. That all this marriage was, was one of desire and passion.” A soft chuckle. “And I took advantage of that fact, forcing myself to believe that’s all it could be. I needed it to be that simple.”
“But why?” she asked, her voice low.
“Because I was afraid to admit that I cared,” he said, his voice cracking. “For so long, the only person in my life who I cared about was me. Millicent too, of course, but that was different.That felt like an obligation, until I realized that it was not. Until you made me realize it. I…” His chin quivered with doubt. “I was so convinced that I was happy alone that to think that I had been wrong all this time was anathema to me. Stubborn, as you know. And determined to stay that way.”
“And then…” she guided him.
“And then you left.” His shoulder slumped. “My fault, and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. You came to me, you offered your guidance, you… you let your guard down because you saw what I could not. And I turned you away.”
Her heart started to race, sensing where he was going.
“I know now how wrong I was. Yes, the passion and the temptation is a part of it, and I will not apologize for that.” He grinned quickly, then let it fall. “What this last week has made me realize is that I… that this marriage… that I need you, Celestine. I like that I do. I like that I have someone to care for, and that I have someone to care for me. I like thinking about somebody other than myself. Their life, not my own, is what matters to me. As for being alone? That is what terrifies me.”
“Is that all?” She pressed him, sensing the words, needing to hear them.
“No.” His expression hardened. “What I really want to say, as I should have last week is that I… I…” He bit into his lip, hesitated, but when he found her eyes again, when he saw the love in herstare, it saw him relax. “I love you, Celestine. And that, more than anything, is why I am sorry, as it is why I want you to stay.”
She said nothing at first.
