I’ve never wanted something as much as I want to keep her safe, even if that means staying away.
The week flew by in a mix of studying, practicing, and dread. Each night plagued with nightmares about what this will become and all the ways I’ll let Auntie down.
I had to go back to Dimitri’s for him to remove the last of the purple, but Julian went with me. Whatever we had isn’t the same, and I’m not sure it ever can be again, but even if it could, it’s not something I can worry about right now. I want to trust him, want to run right back into his arms, but I can’t, and it makes my chest feel heavy.
“It’s whatever you want to do, love. If you want to forgive him, then do that. If not, I understand that too. I’ll be here either way.” Julian’s words play over and over in my head as we lie together.
He woke me up from a nightmare two nights ago and wouldn’t take no for an answer when he offered to let me sleep in his bed.
I wish it had helped, but I’m still too confused and hurt to even begin to unpack what I want beyond surviving this showcase.
Being in his arms helps me settle, though, even if I can’t seem to find sleep.
The entire school is buzzing; everyone’s full of excitement as they finish up their tests and help prepare for the performances.
“Are you performing a cello piece or violin?” I look up into the mirror to find Titus near the door. He’s no longer hiding his stalking, and as much as I hated it before, I’d be lying if I said having him around hasn’t become a comfort.
“Neither.” I watch him long enough to see his brows pull in confusion before I turn my attention back to my hair. It needs to be perfect. With so many people here, I’m a direct reflection of my aunt and how she raised me, and if I let her down…
Well, I’m not sure what will happen, but I really would rather not find out.
Nolan is the only one who doesn’t have something today; his final swim competition is in two nights, a few cities over.
He said he’s technically in the choir but hates his voice, and, with his swimming record undefeated, his father apparently doesn’t mind overlooking it.
“Did you know you were opening?” Julian’s voice is gentle, the same tone he’s used with me since that night I had a breakdown. It’s as if he’s afraid I’ll lose it any second, and while he’s not exactly wrong, I hate it.
I hate the way he looks at me now, like I’m some sad, abandoned dog.
Maybe that’s all I’ve ever been, a charity case?
“No.” It doesn’t matter; first or last, it’s all the same.
“Wren.” I look up at the sound of my name and find Julian standing beside me, that same look of concern in his eyes that tells me he isn’t buying the mask I’ve put in place.
“I’m fine.”
I turn and make my way out of the bathroom, my arm tingling as I move past Titus and accidentally brush against him. I half expect him to recoil or say something nasty; instead, he just watches me go.
I don’t stop when I hit the living room. Gavin and Nolan are here, and suddenly the room feels too small as they both look anywhere but at me.
Gavin, I understand, kind of, but Nolan, yeah, that stings.
I knew better, though; he’d warned me he didn’t do emotions, and I went ahead and did them anyway. I just wish I could go back in time and fix it. I miss his strong, steady presence and the solace of the pool where we could hide away from the world together.
Later.
For now, I need to go; leaving Auntie waiting will only hurt in the long run.
“Wren,” Julian calls after me, but I keep going, letting the door fall closed behind me as I all but run down the hall, praying I can keep my emotions in check. Auntie doesn’t tolerate weakness, and I’d just spent way longer than I ever wanted to attempting to do my makeup. Not only am I no good with makeup, but I had one hell of a canvas. Dark bags under my eyes from a serious lack of sleep aren’t easy to hide.
I reach for the only comfort I have left, gripping my necklace like my final lifeline.
“Give me strength, Jordan,” I whisper before I tuck it away.
I’m going to need it.
“Why did you keep me waiting so long?” The sound of her voice makes me stop in my tracks. I always think I’m ready, that I can face her, but it’s always a lie. Every time I see her, it’s like I’m that scared little girl all over again. Our parents left us in her care, our only living relative. She was supposed to look out for us, raise us in place of our parents, and love us.
