“It doesn’t,” she said, exasperated.
I didn’t know who she was trying to convince—me or herself.
“Eliza,” I said again, pleading as I took another step toward her. All I wanted to do was wrap her in my arms and pull her into my chest.
“Things were simple before. When it was just sex?—”
“It was never just sex, Eliza.”
“Itwas,” she said stubbornly. “That’s what we agreed on.”
I shook my head, running a hand over my jaw. “Well, things change.”
“I don’t want them to!” She raised her arms and let them fall. “I’m not strong enough to spend a lifetime with you and then lose you. I don’t want to go through that. I’ve spent two months with you, and it’s got me questioningeverything. It’s got mefeeling things I’ve never experienced before—never thought I wanted.”
“So, let yourself feel them. You don’t have to do this alone. I’mright here.”
I took a step toward her, and when she didn’t back away, I took another one. And another. Until I was standing in front of her and cupping her face. I ran my thumb over her cheek, catching a stray tear that had escaped.
“I’m right here,” I repeated softly.
She closed her eyes, and while our bodies gravitated toward each other like magnets, Eliza shook her head and stepped away from my touch.
What I wanted wasrightwithin my reach, but when I went to grab it, it slipped away, like it was never mine to have. Likeshewas never mine.
Maybe she hadn’t been.
I didn’t want her to think that me giving her space was me not fighting for us. It was the opposite. If Eliza and I had a shot, then she’d have to come to the realization on her own. Maybe she already had but just didn’t believe it.
“Eliza, I know you care about me. Maybe you didn’t want to, but you do. And I get it. Life is fucking terrifying, and it’s hard, and it’sa lot. But it’s a whole lot less terrifying when I’m with you. It’s full of light, excitement, and new experiences. I’ve never felt more inspired in life or at work than these last couple of months with you. I’ve felt more like myself with you than I ever had with anyone else. There’s so much in my life that I’ve felt like I had to control or people I’ve had to take care of, but it never feels that way with you. I do things for you because Iwantto—not because I need to, because I know damn well you can handle your own. And that’s one of the things I admire most about you.”One of the things Ilovemost about you.
Somewhere along the way, I fell so deeply in love with herthat even with my heart aching, I would never blame her or be angry at her. Because I understood where she was coming from. That didn’t mean I wasn’t upset or frustrated, but she was the last person I wanted to take it out on.
I’d always wanted to be a safe space for her, and just because things weren’t working out my way, didn’t mean I was going to stop.
As much as I wanted to tell her I loved her—how deeply I’d fallen—I didn’t want to do it like this. And maybe that meant never telling her, and I had to be okay with that.
Eliza wrapped her arms around herself, taking a step back and looking down at the floor. “I…I don’t know what to say. I need…I need time to think about all this.”
“You know what I want,” I said gently. “Take the time to figure out whatyouwant.”
“And if we don’t want the same things?” She looked up at me with a pained expression.
I swallowed the emotion clawing up my throat as I reached for the door knob. “Then we don’t want the same things. I’m always going to want the best for you, Eliza. I want you to be happy. That’s never going to change.”
38
ELIZA
It wasa lot easier for Leo and me to avoid each other when we were both actively trying.
Little things like coming in through the front door instead of the back through the kitchen or grabbing my prep when Leo was in his office or busy in the kitchen. And we didn’t walk back to our apartments together.
It was impossible to avoid him completely, though, and each time I caught a glimpse, all I could think about was our conversation in my apartment a week ago.
Had itreallyalready been a week?
It felt like an eternity.
