I hadn’t seen this coming. Ishould’veseen this coming, and now I felt so out of control.
I stayed in the studio after the last person left and lay down on my mat, my back flat, knees bent, and eyes closed. I set my hands over my stomach and focused on breathing deeply. In and out. In and out.
I tried to pinpoint when things had changed. Maybe if I could figure that out, then we’d go back to how things werebefore.
But as I racked my brain over the last couple of months, all I could find was memory after memory of when things could have changed. The rooftop. Our first kiss. Sex. Him cooking for me. Our hike. There were countless smaller moments that I couldn’t even account for.
Had things been changing this whole time?
The ache in my chest didn’t lessen no matter how many deep breaths I took.
It’d only beentwo months. My whole world had changed in two months.
How was I going to feel when he left? Or if I lost him?
I could handle a lot of things, but not that.
That was why I didn’t get my feelings involved. I didn’t want to be put in this position and make this kind of decision.
I sat up, crawling over to my bag and pulling out my phone,calling the one person I needed more than anything right now. The phone rang twice before her sunshine voice filled the line.
“Hey, what’s up?” Lily asked.
I opened my mouth, but no words came out.
“Eliza?” There was a slight hitch of panic. The last thing I wanted was for her to worry. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I croaked. Clearing my throat, I added, “Are you busy?” I’d lost track of time and wasn’t sure if she was in the middle of a rush or not at the café.
“Doesn’t matter,” she said quickly. “Where are you? The studio?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
As promised, Lily was over in less than five with iced coffees and a box of pastries.
I locked the front door to the studio once she came in, and we sat in the front room near the desk. We didn’t say anything at first.
“What happened?” Lily asked, her voice gentle as she gave me the space to think through my words. She reminded me a lot of her mom in that way.
While I called Lily today, I fully recognized how lucky I was to have a number of strong women in my life I could call who could drop everything if I needed them—Laura, Gran, Jules. It lessened the ache ever so slightly over how I couldn’t call my parents. Couldn’t ask my mom for advice on what I should do. Couldn’t forget about the loss that shaped me more than I realized.
“Leo came over last night, and…” I paused, letting out a breath. “Everything was great.”
“Did he lose his mind after seeing you in his chef’s coat?” Lily couldn’t help but ask, leaning forward. I’d told her and Jules a rough version of my plan.
Her enthusiasm got a weak smile out of me. “He did. The whole night was great, and I didn’t want it to end. I’d never felt that before. So, I asked him to stay.”
“Wow,” Lily said softly, leaning back in her chair. “That’s a big deal for you.”
“It is, except—” I shook my head, that same frustration bubbling to the surface. “Everything has changed. This isn’t what we agreed on, and now I’m so damn angry at myself.”
Lily’s brows furrowed. “Why are you angry? You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re letting yourself feel. That’s beautiful, Eliza.”
“Because I can’t figure out when we crossed the line. I can’t go back to the way things werebefore.” I didn’t think Lily would understand. While her and Gabe’s relationships had its hurdles, they both wanted to be with each other. They both wanted the same things—Leo and I didn’t. He wanted to settle down with someone, and I didn’t. Or, at least I thought I didn’t.
“I don’t trust myself,” I added. “Nothing is making sense.”
