And then he’s drawing me to him. In the dark, both of us blindfolded, we find each other’s hands. “Trust me. Please,” he whispers. “What you know could impact your safety, baby. Please, just trust me.”
Tears wet my blindfold as we careen toward whatever hideout we’ll be in next.
“I know my name’s not Anissa,” I begin in a whisper. “It’s Polina. I know it is. I can hear it loud and clear, and it isn’t just a dream anymore, Rafail. I had…have…brothers. Lots of them. And they were so good to me.” I blink and sniffle. His hand caressing my shoulder slows. “They were protective, yes, like you are with your sisters, but they loved me. I don’t know how I ended up here, and I can’t remember much more about my past.And I… I don’t know who Anissa is.” I shake my head. “But I’m not her.”
“What else?” he asks hoarsely. “I need to know.”
“But the doctor said that I can hurt my brain if I push?—”
“Youmustpush. You have to. There’s no other way forward.”
My hands are shaking when he holds me tighter.
“I know that I came to Moscow because I was in danger. I remember running from you, and I know that… when I ran from you, I didn’t know you. But here’s the thing, I…” My voice trails off. I’m afraid of giving voice to my fears.
“What? Say it.” His voice is a harsh whisper.
“I don’t know if what I remember is real or not. I can’t tell the difference. Because sometimes, I imagine I worked in a hospital, and sometimes, I imagine I know how to shoot a gun. Sometimes, I think I do have sisters, but when memories from my childhood come back, I’m the only daughter.”
I close my eyes, the blindfold soaked. “I remember being a little girl, alone, and I remember a kind woman. And I know that she’s my mother.”
It’s absolutely brutal, telling him all this without being able tolookat him.
“I want to see your eyes,” I say with a big sniff. “Please,Rafail.”
“You can’t,” he says in a harsh whisper. “If you take off your blindfold, they’ll shoot you. Then I’ll have to murder them, and we’ll start a war in Moscow. The streets will be flooded with their blood, Anissa.”
He calls me that by habit now. I’ve adopted it as my name.
“Well, then. I guess I won’t take my blindfold off.”
He holds me in the quiet, stroking my shoulder with ease. “Tell me what else you know.” With a gentleness that belies the tight timbre of his voice, he kisses my cheek.
“I know that you love me,” I whisper. “I know that you’ll do anything for me. I know that you’ll protect me from whatever comes next, even if neither one of us knows what that is.”
“Yes,” he says simply. “Yes.”
I swallow the lump in my throat and sniffle. “Now it’s your turn.”
“My turn?”
“Yes,” I whisper vehemently, my need to know the truth choking me. “Tell me whatyouknow.Please.”
But he’s silent for long moments, so long, I wonder if something happened. I reach for his hand, but he’s warm and strong beside me.
“I can’t do that,” he finally says. “I can’t tell you anything. Not yet.”
My jaw drops open in shock. “That’s not fair. I told you everything, even the things I didn’t want to. You can’t refuse to do the same for me!”
“I can and will,” he snarls. I coil away from him. My nose tingles.
“Rafail,” I say reproachfully.
“You heard me,” he snaps. “We’re here. Remember to do exactly what I say. Exactly.”
“You demand my trust and obedience but won’t give me any answers in return. How is that fair, Rafail? What kind of love is this?” My hands are balled into fists.
“You were mafia, Anissa. You ought to know this. All’s never fair in love and war, especially if you’re raised in organized crime. Now behave yourself. Believe me when I tell you… you donotwant to cross me right now.”
