She put her head on my shoulder. “It’s okay. You’ll be all right. We’ll just go back to the way we were. Like you said, we were fine.”
I hiccuped. “I’m sorry you have to see me this way.”
“Mom, it’s all right. I know all this is in there, even though you’re so good at hiding it.”
Poe nestled deeper into my lap, pushing his nose into the crook of my bent knee.
“I’m sorry I got my hopes up,” Annie said. “Or if I pushed you into the whole dating thing.”
“I know you just want me to be happy.”
“I do. I really do. But I made it worse.”
“You did not do this. Dorian and I are adults. We did this.”
“I still can’t believe he said he wasn’t sure about you,” Annie said. “I didn’t see that coming either. Like why then were we spending all this time together? If all that time he was uncertain?”
“I know. That’s what hurts the most.”
“You’re right about the job too,” Annie said. “I can’t work for him. Not now.”
“You can find something else.”
“Yeah, sure.”
She didn’t have to say it out loud. I knew what she really meant. There was no job she wanted more than the bookstore. And no boss she wanted except for Dorian.
I’d let him get close, and now my little girl was hurting. I would never do it again.
23
DORIAN
On Thursday, I headed to the support group, even though I didn’t want to go. Somehow, though, I knew it was what would help me figure out this mess I’d made for myself. I’d wondered if Delphine might show, but she didn’t. Thanks to me.
Ellen opened the meeting in the usual way and then asked if anyone had anything they’d like to share. Mateo, June, Everett, and Lorrie were all in attendance.
I raised my hand, stomach churning. “I’d like to, if no one else wants to go first.”
“Please do,” Ellen said.
“I’ve had a weird couple of weeks. I’ve tangled some things up I shouldn’t have.” I went on to explain about Delphine and Annie. “We had a great few weeks, and then I had to go to the wedding.” I told them about giving Becca away and my interaction with Luci. “And I don’t know. I kind of freaked out.”
“Freaked out how?” Ellen asked.
“I just started thinking about Annie. Her tender heart. The way she so clearly wants a father figure. And I panicked. Told Delphine I wasn’t sure how I felt about her.”
“Is that true?” June asked.
“I thought it was. Until I lost her.” I told them the details of the conversation with Delphine. “She just shut down. Like a light switched off. She even told me Annie would no longer be working for me at the bookstore. Suddenly her soccer schedule was going to keep her too busy.”
“You hurt her, so she retreated into a place more comfortable,” Lorrie said.
“That’s right. And the thing I figured out is that Idoknow how I feel about her. I’m in love with her. And I love Annie too. They became my whole world, and I didn’t realize it was even happening. Then I wrecked it.”
“Do you know why?” Mateo asked.
I nodded. “I think so. I found the photo I’d promised Luci, and I took it up to her. On the way home, I stopped at that lookout that’s at the highest elevation between here and Cliffside Bay. I hadn’t even planned to, but there I was, sitting in the same spot I’d sat with Nate not long before he died. He'd been home from deployment a few months at that point, and I asked him how it was going. He said it was an adjustment. One that wasn’t going well. Becca was used to raising the kids without him. Maria treated him like a stranger. And then he said,Sometimes I think they'd all be better off without me. It would've been better if I'd died over there. They could think of me as a hero then, instead of the waste I truly am."
