She shook her head.
“No, don’t do that.We can’t do secrets.Not anymore.I know it may be hard for you to understand but I still care about you, so if something has happened that’s upset you I want to do what I can to help.”
“There’s nothing you can do to help.”She wiped away tears.“It’s my work, okay?Something happened and a patient died, and I’m really struggling to deal with it.”
“Oh Gen.”
He didn’t know how it happened.But somehow his arms were around her, and he was holding her close.And while once upon a time he might have let his senses get excited, in this moment right now, all he felt was the warm desire for her to feel safe, to feel the arms of a protector, someone she could be sure would never leave her to battle on her own.
Just like his Savior had done with him.
Just like he should’ve done ten years ago.
* * *
Gen closed her eyes,and allowed herself the luxury of relaxing for what felt like the first time in years.All the pressures layering her heart—Lily, Geraldine, Dr.Visek, work, let alone all those associated with Kyle—slowly eased away.She still didn’t understand why Kyle was being so kind, but she’d selfishly take it.
All week she’d longed for a hug like this.Mom wasn’t a hugger, and Bella didn’t exactly give big strong man hugs like this.And yet she didn’t sense that Kyle was motivated by desire—how could he ever desire her again, after what she’d done?But it was like he’d noticed she was upset, and wanted to comfort her in the best way possible, allowing her to soak in his strength, his sureness, his willingness to be near.
She inhaled, and took in a Kyle-scented breath of air.She’d always liked his scent, it reminded her of the ocean.And yet she hated how her body betrayed her, even while she wanted to be standoffish with him.Letting herself be hugged like this wasn’t exactly demonstrating distance, was it?
“Mom?”
Gen instantly pulled away, and Kyle shifted back to the uncomfortable couch.The very same uncomfortable couch that she’d forced him to sit on, just as Bella had innocently pointed out.She now felt petty and small having done that, especially seeing as he’d been so gracious with her.And now with this brother-like hug, with none of the passion of his kisses from Sunday night… She didn’t know what to think anymore.
“Here you go,” Bella announced, placing the cups on the rickety wooden coffee table between them.
“Thanks, Bella,” Kyle said from where he had perched himself on the uncomfy couch again.
“You don’t have to sit there,” Gen murmured, after thanking Bella for her cup.
“Are you sure?”His eyes twinkled.
Her heart twitched.Oh, why did he have to be so relaxed about things?She was supposed to be the calm one.And yet she constantly felt wrong-footed—probably because she had been in the wrong—while he seemed to skate through unscathed by the awful revelations she had shared earlier this week.
If the roles had been reversed, she would be struggling big-time.So it didn’t make sense he was being so gracious about it.
And she wanted to ask more, but knew he would only go on about more God stuff again.And she didn’t want to listen to pithy platitudes about forgiveness or God loving the world.Not when God hadn’t loved Lily enough to keep her alive.Not when God hadn’t helped countless other people that Gen had seen struggle before their demise.She knew death.It was permanent.Sure, there were some people who’d coded in ED and then inexplicably come back, but they always died again, sooner or later.Usually sooner.And this stubborn foolish belief that Jesus came back to life was something she could never wrap her scientific brain around.It didn’t happen.And if it didn’t happen, then she couldn’t believe it.Any of it.
Even if she also couldn’t quite wrap her logical brain around the theory of evolution.It didn’t make sense that the intricate human body somehow managed to put itself together so precisely, and it all originated from chance and a Big Bang.Maybe this put her at odds with other science-minded people, but for her, that didn’t compute.
Which left—what alternative?So, okay maybe the God stuffwasreal, but the Jesus stuff—at least the part about being dead and coming back to life—didn’t work for her.Neither did the fact that this world was full of unanswered prayers.Hers among them.
“Hey, this is a very nice cup of tea,” Kyle said.“Thanks, Bella.”
“Thanks, sweetie.”Gen smiled at her daughter.
Bella lapped up the praise like a kitten might drink milk.Bella had been so patient with her this past week, even when facing her own questions.She was a good girl.Considerate, thoughtful.Everything that Gen wished she herself was more like.Maybe Bella had inherited these qualities from her father.
Gen peeked at Kyle now, where he was talking quietly with Bella about sports—of course he was.Bella was shaking her head, no, she didn’t do sports, but she’d like a puppy one day to take on walks.
Gen choked, sputtering out her tea.“I beg your pardon?Since when have you wanted a puppy?”
“Since I met Kyle.”
“What about Betsy the Cat?”
Bella scoffed.“Please.Betsy doesn’t go for walks.Betsy doesn’t do anything Betsy doesn’t want to do.”
