At the very least.
CHAPTER FIVE
Natalie, 19
It felt strange leaving France. I felt as if I was leaving part of myself behind when I had to leave Sabine. I’d grown so close to her in the year we had together, and I knew we would stay close forever after the experiences we’d had. Spending a year in Paris with my aunt had changed me drastically, and I was so glad I’d accepted her invitation to take a gap year like so many Europeans do.
I tried not to hate my father for trying to keep me from continuing my relationship with Sabine after Mom died. I tried to understand. But what he’d done was leave me without a mother figure when I was just ten years old. I didn’t learn to do my hair or makeup like the other girls did. I wasn’t allowed a cellphone for years past the time my friends had them. By then the online tutorials didn’t really occur to me. I had been solidified as gawky, nerdy Natalie in everyone’s eyes.
Even my own.
But living with Sabine in Paris was magical for more than one reason. Living with my mom’s identical twin sister was like having Mom back again. It probably wasn’t healthy, but there were times I pretended, briefly, that SabinewasMom. Then I could believe the accident never happened. That she was never in that car on that awful stormy night when no one should havebeen on the road. That my life hadn’t gone from happy and bright to dull and gray in the blink of an eye.
But living with Sabine had changed me, too. I’d left home at a strange time in my life. I’d just graduated from high school. I’d gotten my braces off and hadfinallystarted my period my senior year of high school. My body was changing, and I’d been completely unaware of how to manage the changes. Sabine had taken one look at me when I’d gotten off the plane, wrapped me in her arms, and had helped me flourish into the person she’d said I was always meant to be.
Over the course of that year, she’d taught me to learn who I wanted to be and to become that person. She’d told me to never become who someone else wanted me to be or I’d never be happy. I believed it. I’d only been happy in Indigo Falls when I was hanging out with Tim and his family, and the families of my mother’s other friends in town.
But I was happy all the time in France. Sabine took me everywhere—from the sophistication of Paris to the languid lifestyle of Provence and the beauty of the beaches and towns of the French Riviera—I soaked it all in. I became close friends with the children of Sabine’s friends. They took me into their group and treated me as their own immediately. I think they’d seen me as a project at first; they’d needed to help the clueless American. But we’d become real friends, and I’d even had a brief but passionate affair with the older brother of one of my best friends. It hadn’t mattered that he was a few years older. If anything, it had made things wonderful instead of awkward. He’d taught me a lot about sex, pleasure, and understanding my body, and we’d parted friends after a few months.
That is where my inner self had grown. I’d learned who I was, what I liked and disliked, what I wanted from life.
But my outer self was the most obvious change. Sabine hadn’t immediately given me a makeover when she’d seen mestep off that plane. Instead, she’d let me grow as a person and decide what I wanted for myself. Throughout the year, she’d guided me and helped me figure out my personal style. She’d taken me shopping everywhere and had let me choose the clothing I’d liked best. I’d chosen my hairstyle. I’d decided I wanted contacts instead of my glasses. I’d spent time at makeup counters and slowly began to choose what I’d thought would look best on me. Sabine had helped every step of the way, but she’d never pushed me towards a choice. She just gave advice if I asked for it.
And that’s how I became comfortable in my own skin.
Sabine gave me more than a gap year. She gave me who I think I would have become long ago had my mother lived through my awkward teen years. When I left her, I cried my eyes out. Always stoic, Sabine just smiled, hugged me, and said we’d meet again soon.
Now, as I walked through this familiar airport in Atlanta, I felt like a foreigner. How could everything be the same around me when I felt so incredibly different?
As I got closer to the baggage carousel, my thoughts turned to Tim. After prom, I’d done my very best to put my feelings for him firmly in the friend zone. But there were these little nagging thoughts that cropped up off and on that made me wonder how successful I’d really been at that.
Probably not very. Still, I hoped when I saw him that I would be underwhelmed by his appearance. Surely after spending a year in France among hundreds of handsome men, I would see that he was just a regular, good-looking American guy. Nothing special.
I nodded to myself, sure that would be true, as I got off the ‘plane train’ and headed to baggage claim. I was wearing a pretty sundress and heels. My hair was done and I had on full makeup—not that I really wore that much. Sabine had taken one look atme in my baggy sweats with my hair pulled up in a messy bun and flipped out.
“Your generation is so… sloppy. You can’t leave France looking like that, ma chérie. You just cannot.”
It cracked me up, but I changed. She had a point. You never knew who you might see on an international flight. And Sabine was in the know, being a hôtesse de l’air, or flight attendant. Now I was glad I’d changed. I felt like a star or something next to the hundreds of others my age wearing hoodies and the kind of thing I’d had on before changing.
I stood out. And it no longer bothered me.
I smiled as I followed the crowds to the carousels. I found my bags quickly since they stood out. Sabine had bought me the prettiest ice blue rolling luggage from Nobl Travel. I turned and it didn’t take me long to spot Tim. All I had to do was follow the stares of the other women, and some men, and there he was.
And my thoughts that he wasn’treallyas handsome as I’d made him out to be in my memory went up in a poof. Because he was. I was glad he hadn’t recognized me yet. It gave me a couple of minutes to watch him unnoticed. Well, not unnoticed exactly. He’d made eye contact with me more than once, and his eyes kept swinging back my way. It was clear he didn’t know who I was yet.
If anything, he’d gotten more handsome. He looked like he’d grown some more, which I didn’t think was typical for guys of college age. Maybe he’d just gained muscle mass. That seemed more like Tim. I knew he liked to work out with his dad, who was a firefighter. He’d obviously been in the sun a lot, since his hair was blonder than normal, his skin was very tan, and his blue eyes popped. And he was sporting a light, well-trimmed beard.
He looked… really good. I sighed, getting ready to push those pesky romantic thoughts back where they should go.
I waved at him. He looked… shocked. What was going on? Did hestillnot know who I was? Did I really change that much?
He looked around like he wasn’t sure I was waving at him. So, I waved again. Then I knew he didn’t know who I was because he did something I’d seen him do with dozens of girls but never me—he walked towards me confidently with a smooth, sexy grin on his face.
I started laughing. He stutter-stepped and stopped walking for a minute upon seeing my reaction to him. Then his mouth dropped open.
“Nat?” I saw him mouth my name and decided it was time to let him know it was me. I hurried over to him.
Then he grinned and grabbed me in one of his bear hugs, his strong arms wrapped around me. “I missed you so fucking much!” As he put me down, I could tell the moment he became aware of my new curves. His hands moved to my waist to let me down gently. The first thing he noticed must have been my breasts, because he got a funny look on his face and stared at my cleavage, rather on display in my sundress. Then he jerked his eyes upward and his face turned pink. Then he realized his hands had dropped to my hips, and one was dangerously close to my ass. He dropped his hands so fast that I almost fell when my feet hit the floor. He had to reach out and grab me to keep me from falling.
