“Think about it. You hurt Natalie terribly. Would you agree?”
I nodded.
“She worked hard to graduate at the very top of her class from her nurse practitioner program. It was a huge day for her, I’m sure. She gave the student speech at her commencement. Would you have wanted her to look out in the audience and make eye contact with you during that amazing moment in her life and be reminded of what you did?”
I felt like he punched me.
“I see that hit you hard. Why?”
I rubbed my chin. “Because I’m being selfish. That was her day. She didn’t need there to be anything upsetting for her. It just hurts that I’m someone who would upset her, cause her pain.”
“You’re right. I do think it would be putting your feelings before hers to have tried to go to her graduation. That was her special day, not yours. If she didn’t want you there, that was her choice.”
I sat there, stewing in what he said. “I get that. I do. It’s just… Nat knew who I was before she slept with me. She knew! So, why did she expect anything different from me? Why didn’t she know what she was getting herself into?”
He was quiet for a moment. “So, this is her fault?”
“What? No!” I was startled by his question. “No, of course not. That’s not what I meant at all.”
“Tell me what you meant.”
And I sat there. Because for the first time I truly analyzed the words I kept saying. That she knew who I was before she slept with me. Hugh was right. I was blaming Natalie for whathappened. I knew deep down she wouldn’t be okay with me sleeping with someone else after we’d been together. But I’d done it anyway.
I was taking something underhanded and awful that I’d done and convinced myself that it was her fault for not understanding what she could expect from me.
I had been at least partly blaming Natalie for being upset over me sleeping with another woman a week after we’d had the most intimate weekend of my life. It had meant something. I knew it. She knew it. I just hadn’t wanted to admit it to myself because it scared me.
And I couldn’t handle the fallout. So, I had found a way to divert at least some of the responsibility for what happened off me.
I had blamed her. I had been mad at her for weeks now. Mad because she dared to be upset about something that would upset anyone.
I felt sick.
“Do you need a glass of water?”
“Yes, please.” My voice was quiet, weak.
He got it for me, and I drank it, and then he looked at me. “Now I think you’re truly ready for therapy,” he said.
“What do you mean? I’ve seen you for several weeks.”
“You’re only just now separating out the emotions and feelings and owning up to what is your responsibility and what isn’t. When you were blindsided by Annika and many of your childhood friends, that wasn’t your fault. You weren’t to blame. You were the innocent party, and what happened to you at that young age affected your ability to trust. Would you agree?”
I nodded.
“Good. But what happened with Natalie? She was the innocent party, Tim. Not you.”
I sat there. I didn’t know what to say. He was right. I’d spent a long time looking at it from the wrong perspective. Or at least a skewed perspective. I knew I’d done something wrong. I wasn’t that delusional. It’s just that I was putting some of the blame on her, too, and she didn’t deserve it.
“What we need to figure out, is exactly why it happened.”
I knew. At least to some extent. I had been scared. Terrified, really, of the strength of the desire and emotions I felt for her. I felt ten times more for her than what I’d ever felt for Annika. Maybe a thousand times, honestly. If she ever hurt me like Annika had, I’d fall apart. Or at least that’s what it felt like.
I told Hugh as much.
He nodded. “That’s some good insight. We’re definitely moving in the right direction. Now, you said there was something else upsetting you?”
I took a deep breath. “Yeah. She left.” I choked on the words, trying not to get emotional.
