Tim, 25
I didn’t get to see Nat as much as I’d thought I would once she moved back home. She was busy with work and dating some guy, though she was keeping the details pretty secret. I hated that what I felt when she could potentially be happy with a man that wasn’t me was… selfish, ugly. I knew, if I was truly just her friend, that I should be happy for her.
But I wasn’t.
I made an appointment with Hugh. I’d cut back my visits with him after a while, but I’d been seeing him more than a year now. We’d gone from once a week, to twice a month, and lately it had just been monthly. But since Natalie had come back? I recognized I needed to go more often.
I was havinga lotof feelings.
So, that’s why I was in his office today. Hugh was looking at me, his normal passive look on his face.
“What brings you in today?” he finally asked.
“Well, you know Natalie’s back home,” I said, wiping my suddenly sweaty hands on my pants. I hated how nervous I got before I got started talking in therapy.
“And that’s bringing up emotions for you?”
“Yeah. You could say that.”
“Tell me about it.”
I wasn’t ready to examine the way I was feeling about her dating people. So, I started a little smaller. “At her dad’s funeral, she agreed to friendship with me. I know, though, that she can never seem to feel exactly the same about me as she once did.”
“Do you blame her for that?”
“No. Not at all.” I settled back in the chair, getting more comfortable. “I’m actually just really surprised she agreed to friendship, and I feel like I’m kind of walking on eggshells around her now. Like I have to be so careful about what I say and do.”
“What do you think could happen?”
“She could run away again. She only came home because her dad was sick. I think she wanted to stay in Baltimore. She got this really great offer from Johns Hopkins, and she’s stuck here at Halliwell Hospital.”
“So, you’re glad she’s home, but you’re scared she’ll leave now that her father has passed away, and, on top of all of that, you feel upset that she had to settle for a job offer that wasn’t good enough for her.”
I stared at him. He was really good at this. “Yep. That’s exactly what I’m thinking. I know she deserves to be somewhere like Johns Hopkins. But I want her here anyway.” I sighed. “I know she signed a one-year contract. It feels like I’m under a time constraint to convince her to stay here. To convince her I’m not a total asshole.”
“And what would happen if she did leave at the end of her contract?”
I looked out the window while I thought about it. I hadn’t really put words to my thoughts about that. After a moment, I looked at him and said, “I’d move to Baltimore.”
Hugh’s eyebrows shot up, and I almost laughed. He never showed reactions. “Really? You’re prepared to move to be close to a woman who is only your best friend?”
“I mean… yes. I am. But I think the deeper truth here is that… she’snotjust my best friend.”
Hugh actually smiled. “She’s not?”
I shook my head. “No. I love her. I’m in love with her.”
“Is this the first time you’ve acknowledged it?”
“No, not exactly. I’ve felt it for a long time now, but I haven’t said it out loud. I haven’t told anyone.”
“Not even your sister Sadie?”
I shook my head. “No, she’s got her own shit… stuff… going on.” I didn’t like that Sadie was sort of forced by Melinda and Drake’s wedding to be back around Harrison. I also hated that anytime I thought too hard about that, I remembered how Sadie had compared what I did to Nat to what her shitty ex had done to her.
“You’ve kept it inside, then.”
“Yes. But I can’t anymore. Not now that she’s here. But that brings me to the other reason I’m here today.” I looked at him with hope that he could give me the answers I was looking for. “How do I get her to forgive me? How can I get her to see me as something more than just a friend? Someone more than just the horrible guy she took a chance on? The guy who hurt her?”
