***
THE SUGGESTION OF RIDINGout onto the prairie was an idea Laylah could little resist. But, she would not go with Thomas. Rather, she would make this trip alone. Perhaps the wide spaces would serve to ease the affliction within her heart.
Also, if she were to be truthful, she would have to admit it was impossible to resist leaving the fort to go in search of Eagle Heart. If he were still somewhere in the fort's vicinity, could she find him? Would he have set up camp close to where they had once sat out the blizzard?
Feeling a little happier, she left the trading room to rush to her quarters in the proprietor's part of the house. There, she dressed as quickly as she could for an excursion out-of-doors and, using her cane, hobbled toward the livery. There, she was able to attain help in saddling her pony, Honey Sugar, for, with her right arm broken, it was a task she could not do alone. She was glad to see the gate was open, and she fled out of it, wistfully hoping no one in the fort took note of her flight.
Interestingly, Honey Sugar appeared to know where to go. Laylah didn't even need to steer the animal. Hoping she might catch Eagle Heart still in residence at their shelter, Laylah found she could barely breathe. She had so much to tell him.
Keeping to a fast pace, she came quickly upon the coulee. But, rather than ride her pony down a hard pass, she dismounted—though with some difficulty because her ankle wasn't fully healed—and walked her mount down into the ravine. At last, she beheld the place where she and Eagle Heart had once encamped. It looked to be still there.
She smiled. Was he within?
Throwing her pony's reins to the ground, she limped as quickly as possible to the place where she and Eagle Heart had so recently resided. But, she saw at once that where their shelter had once stood, nothing remained to indicate the adventure she had once shared with Eagle Heart. Nor was Eagle Heart anywhere to be seen.
Was it really such a short time ago when she'd had Eagle Heart's attention all to herself? Though only a week had passed since they had sat out the storm together, it seemed like a lifetime ago.
As she stood looking at where the hut had once been, she realized she might never be the same again. She had thought she would be able to start her life over, as was expected of her by her family. But, more and more she was coming to realize this might be impossible.
She shouldn't feel this way. After all, she had made her choice and had refused Eagle Heart's proposal. And now, having done so, she should try to live with it and marry Thomas, as was expected of her. But, could she marry Thomas when, to the depths of her heart, she felt she belonged with Eagle Heart?
Perhaps another question she might ask herself was this: was she ready to throw away the lessons her grandmother had taught her? Hadn't her grandmother married a man she didn't love? Hadn't it ended in a bad way?
Truly, it was beginning to seem to Laylah as if she were plunging headlong into as heartbreaking an experience as her grandmother's.
When she had left Eagle Heart, she hadn't fully realized the extent to which she had changed. Had it taken losing Eagle Heart to pound some sense into her, to see him more clearly? Because of the differences in their cultures, she had been unwilling to break with her former ideas of love and marriage.
But, it was a mistake. In her heart now, she knew it was a mistake. Was she, however, too late to tell Eagle Heart she had changed her mind?
Gray Falcon had said his friend had blocked his thoughts from her. She knew he had done this because he did not wish to interfere in her life. Would it follow, then, that he might leave, never to know she was experiencing a change of heart?
He might do exactly this if she couldn't get a message to him either through her own efforts or via Gray Falcon. Perhaps when she rode home tonight, she would seek out Gray Falcon, ask him to find Eagle Heart and beg him to relay a message for her.
She worried, because one aspect about this was becoming very clear to her now: she would never forget Eagle Heart, even if she married another and never saw him again. Nor would she ever stop loving him.
Oddly, along with acknowledging what was truly in her heart, came a sense of responsibility and an awareness of greater self-confidence. At least she knew now that what had been between Eagle Heart and herself was more important than others' ideas—as well as her own mistaken belief—of how she should live her life.
The idea was freeing somehow, and this spurred her on toward another realization: she had to throw Thomas away. Really, she had no other option.
Besides, she was fast becoming aware that Thomas possessed an injurious trait she had chosen to ignore; one that had almost claimed her life: he did not wish to give up any part of his privileged life to be of service to another. Indeed, he had valued his own comfort over hers and had left her for dead, apparently after engaging in a show of trying to find her. He had only left the fort twice in search of her, and, according to Millie and her mother, hadn't tried again.
At last, it was clear to her. He did not love her.
Yet, he at least deserved that she should speak to him and inform him of her change of heart and her wish to not marry him. And so, she would seek him out, and possibly would do so tonight. She would not criticize him; she would simply let him know she wouldn't marry him. And, perhaps this, once done, would allow her to come to Eagle Heart with an open and clean heart.
She could only hope Eagle Heart might still wish to make her his woman. If, however, she were to discover he didn't, what would she do? Return to Fort Union?
No. She couldn't. Perhaps, were this to be a reality, an alternate plan might be to return to St. Louis, for she would always be welcome at her grandmother's house. Yes, this was a good plan. But, if she left this country and didn't marry Eagle Heart, would she become, then, an old maid?
Perhaps.
Oddly, the idea of leaving behind the security of her own world did not cause her to turn away from what she felt she must do. Truly, it would be hard to live Eagle Heart's lifestyle when she was not accustomed to it and didn't know its rules and mores. But, it was worse thinking she might have to live her life without him.
Yes, as soon as she returned to the fort, she would find Thomas and speak to him; she would break off their engagement, and then she would try to contact Eagle Heart once again with the mind speak. If this didn't work, she would try to find a way to convince Gray Falcon to take her to Eagle Heart or at least relay a message for her.
And so, it was on this thought that she turned to leave, and that's when she beheld the gray wolf watching her. At first she was afraid of the creature, but then a memory returned: it was the recollection of the wolves lying next to her freezing body, keeping her warmer than she would have been without them.
She owed them her thanks.
