CHAPTER FIVE
Strikes Fast shook his head and grimaced. Why had he mentioned this woman and "wife" in the same breath?
Had he meant it to be a warning to this beautiful woman? Had he intended his words to keep her at arm's length since he honestly believed it would be in her best interest to stay away from him?
Maybe in part. However, honestly assessing his attitude toward her, he realized he'd meant every word. Indeed, if he were to be true to himself, he would have to admit to physically craving her touch. Did this mean he loved her? In his society it did, and he should take the appropriate action and marry her.
But, he couldn't marry this woman; perhaps he couldn't marry any woman. However, none of these speculations were of any use in regards to her. She was due to marry The-white-man-who-paints as soon as they reached the Pikuni encampment.
Yet, only moments ago, when he had seen her hands "saying" she loved him, his heart had soared. It was as though he had come alive again after a long stretch of being in the vicinity of death and destruction. And, it had been at this exact moment when he had considered making an attempt to restore his humanity toward others.
It wasn't that he didn't know the difference between right and wrong. He did. Hadn't he once walked the path of becoming a medicine man?
But this was now in his past. He could never be the medicine man he had once hoped to be, having committed more acts of violence than he could easily count. Only now, after being in the vicinity of two other medicine men—Eagle Heart and Gray Falcon—had he realized he'd taken his need for vengeance too far.
Yet, recently he had considered the possibility of praying to Sun, the Creator, again. It was the first time in years he had even considered doing so.
But, then this bighearted woman had defined what she'd meant by "love," and he had fallen back to earth.
Still, he knew it was wrong to have kissed her fingers—not when she would soon belong to another. And yet, when he'd caught a glimpse of passion and womanly love within her gaze, which he knew he had brought to life, he had dared to hope.
Was this the reason he had spoken of her being his wife? Maybe. He didn't really know.
Still, he had never before acted the part of a hero to anyone; he had never come to a person's aid, although in the past, he wished he would have been able to do so. Perhaps all those years ago, had he been able to take action against his family's enemies, he would now be dead along with those whom he so deeply loved. And, these long years of warring with those who had murdered his family wouldn't have happened. Perhaps, too, he might still be in possession of his own mind and spirituality.
He didn't even try to fool himself. He no longer felt human. In truth, besides a simmering passion for this white woman, he knew he wasn't quite human. He held no empathy, no sympathy for anyone…save this bighearted woman.
True, he was in the Blackfoot camp because he was repaying a debt to the three Pikuni men who had acted for the benefit of his remaining family members: his sister and her child. But, this was a duty and was not because he felt kinship for those men, although over these last few years, he would have to admit to feeling a glimmer of friendship with them. At least, he felt as friendly as he was able.
Inwardly, he wondered if it were even possible for him to be anyone's friend. It was doubtful, for there was too much blood on his hands, too many Blackfoot warriors he had slain in his attempt to seek his rightful revenge.
There were also those whom he should have never killed: women, children and other innocents. Those images still haunted him.
Yes. In many ways he felt it would have been best if he'd been killed along with his other family members as well as the girl he had once loved and had been set to marry. In many ways, his life was already over. And yet, he was mighty young to have so easily lost his way in life.
Perhaps these last five years of being in the company of the two medicine men, Eagle Heart and Gray Falcon, had brought him a little peace, since it was only recently he had come to realize he had lost the essence of who he was somewhere along the way of administering what should have been rightful justice.
Perhaps he had fought as hard as he had because the emotional pain had utterly conquered him, vanquishing the boy he had once been. Sometimes at night and even at times during the day, he dreamed of his mother, his father, his grandparents, his cousins, aunts and uncles and all his siblings, save one. But, sometimesshe, the girl he had loved so desperately, as well as his family members, appeared to him in spirit, urging him to kill more and to maim more of the Pikuni people. He had the right, after all.
But, did he really?
Perhaps not. Perhaps he deserved to die.
He certainly hadn't experienced any fear in saving the life of the woman, Sharon. Indeed, he had gone into danger with a certain amount of glee…almost hopeful he might be spared, at last, the trouble of living.
He sighed. Against his will, he realized he did indeed love this woman. But, he didn't deserve her, and he knew he didn't. Her heart was good, was kind and gentle, and for him she represented all he wanted, yet couldn't have.
Thus, uncannily, he realized it was good she was to marry another. He had best remember this when they reached the Pikuni camp.
Glancing out on the beauty of the Creator's work upon this land, Strikes Fast firmly put the past behind him. Could he do the same with Sharon, the bighearted woman? He would try; he would certainly try.
It was much later when Gray Falcon's wife brought Strikes Fast his evening meal. He had hoped the bighearted woman, Sharon, would deliver the food to him, and he was astounded at himself for being disappointed that he was not going to be able to see her and talk to her once more this night.
But, they still had some days left on the trail before they would reconnect with the main body of the Pikuni tribe. Perhaps there might be another chance.
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Should she try to talk to Amelia or Laylah about her encounter with Strikes Fast? Had she done wrong in telling Strikes Fast she loved him? Especially since he had misinterpreted it?
