Indeed, there was much to be said about the freedom of movement this land presented. In truth, the journey through this terrain reminded Czanna, if only a little, of her childhood. Though her homeland was distinctly different, here and there were the characteristic scents of nature, of grasses and of flowers common to both—all of it adding to the thrill of the simple beauty and awareness of being alive. And though she didn't know how it had happened, it yet seemed to her as though she was able to put the shock of her terrible losses to sleep, at least temporarily. Of course, she was helped in her newfound joy because of the great deal ofteasing she endured from Stands Strong, who seemed to delight in pointing out her lack of knowledge of the prairie, its buttes and coulees, even the flora she didn't recognize, like the tiny cacti now in bloom and dotting the land.
Strangely, she was even beginning to savor the feel of the "poor animal skins" she was wearing. They were both comfortable, free of easily tearing and they dried soft even when wetted.
True to his word, Stands Strong had helped Czanna cut his clothing down to fit her. Upon her first donning the unfamiliar garments, the skins had been full of his scent, and if she were to be truthful, she would admit to basking in it, his pleasant aroma imparting a feeling of well-being to her. With a deep sigh, she was starting to realize she not only loved this man—as she had already told him—she was, indeed, falling in love with him…as unlikely as this might have been.
At present, as she crawled over the green grass beneath her belly and her arms, it smelled fresh, and as she passed by the yellow and white prairie flowers, their sweet fragrance spoke to her of their joy in being able to bloom under the warmth of the sun. Funny, instead of feeling tired and plagued by the hardship of their crawl, the earth and the life around her imparted a feeling of being a part of all this. Never, ever would she have imagined she could be subjected to such physical hardship and yet feel so pleasant about it.
As she crawled up beside Stands Strong where he waited for her, he turned, took off his quiver filled with arrows and his bow, and rolled over onto his back; she, too, lay down beside him, the sweet-smelling, hard ground cradling them both. He took her hand in his and, turning his head toward her, said, "I will tell you a truth about me, if you wish to hear it. I admit I have not desired to lay bare my private thoughts to you, but after seeing what you have endured this night, and without complaint, I am feeling more kindly toward you and so would like to tell you a secret. Would you like to hear what I have to say?"
"Indeed, I would, Mr. Stands Strong."
He inhaled deeply, then said, "You have now asked me many times if I love you, and always I have tried to avoid answering you. But, I believe the time has come when I should answer your question as truthfully as I can."
When he paused significantly, she asked, "Yes? What is your answer?"
"It is this: I love you as the friend I have told you I would be to you, though I have also been honest about my desire to make love to you. But, because I know you a little better now, I admit I have come to not only desire to make love to you, but to love you as the woman I would choose to spend the rest of my life with. When I first spoke of marriage to you, it was because my feelings about you required me to ask you to be my woman. But now, before Sun, the Creator of all, I tell this to you true. I love you, and I give my love to you freely and for all my life if you would only have me."
Czanna paused, uncharacteristically at a loss for words. Although she had suspected his true feelings for her—since Stands Strong had often suggested a marriage between them—to hear his words spoken so sincerely touched some deep and hidden part of her, a secret longing which had, perhaps, been lying dormant until this moment. "I…I…" she whispered, gulping down a constriction in her throat. "I, too, love you very dearly. And, were I not who I am… But, please understand, it is not you I have said no to. I have said no to the idea of having to change who I am in order to become your woman."
Stands Strong didn't speak up at once. But, after a while, he said, "I understand what you say. However, I would not have you change who you are, nor would I demand it of you."
"Yes," she answered, "but what you might not understand is that I would have to change." She inhaled deeply, giving herself a moment to collect her thoughts. Then she continued, "Please consider this: until coming into this country, I had never campedoutside, not even for a single minute of my life. Yet, if I were to agree to marry you, I would be required to camp as a way of life. Truly, though you tell me you would like to have me as your woman, consider this: I know nothing of cooking or sewing or skinning an animal, and I have never lived in a place as small as a tepee. Truly, do you really wish to have such a woman as I am in your life?"
When he didn't answer her question at once, she continued and said, "Not only can I not envision myself doing the work of the women in your camp, but, indeed, I fear you would be sadly disappointed in me."
He grinned at her before he answered, saying, "Yet, here you are with me now, scouting through a rough terrain which demands great discipline and a heap big more than would be required of you were you to live with my people."
"But," she countered, "I am only doing it because I have to if I am to learn how to survive in this land. Besides, there is more. Somehow, in some way, I must keep alive the memory of my parents and my brother. It's up to me, after all, to carry on our way of life and to be true to the manner and the life I was raised in. Because of their deaths, I have been entrusted with this duty, and I must remain as I am if only to honor their lives. Though I have been honest with you when I have told you I love you, to marry you would be as to turn my back on the memory of my parents and my brother."
When again he was not quick in answering, she added, speaking softly, "I cannot do this; not and remain true to myself."
He breathed in and out, his sigh oddly strained, before he said, "I do understand, and yet here we are, and perhaps it is here, too, where you will have to make your home, and I think you would encounter these same problems regardless of living with either the white man or the Indian."
"Perhaps," she replied. "However, I must try to hold on to what I am and remain true to my family and to what is expected of me."
"So it seems. But now," he continued, "as you have asked for my understanding, I must ask for yours. Though we have only known one another for a few days, already my love for you has grown into being a great admiration. Never could I have ever believed I might meet a woman so beautiful who would willingly follow me and do as I do when I scout. And you, who are a white woman, are accomplishing this without much complaint, though I know it is hard for you. But, hear me on this: my reasons for refusing to engage in an affair with you are as meaningful to me as yours are for refusing marriage. I tell you this now with a full heart, I would happily agree to this 'sharing a romance' with you if the consequences were not so grim for you were we to be discovered to be lovers without being married."
"Grim?"
"Áa,harsh they are. There is a terrible price for a woman to pay amongst my people, both Lakota and Pikuni, if she, whom others believe to be married, is discovered in the arms of a man other than her Indian husband."
"Oh? What price is it you speak of?"
He didn't answer; he merely looked away from her.
"But, Mr. Stands Strong," she continued, "how would this 'terrible price' affect me since we would not be husband and wife? We would be merely lovers."
He turned his head toward her, glanced at her and simply smiled before saying, "To my people it is the same. If we make love to one another, we are married. Even if you tell others we are not married, the price for a woman is the same as if she be married to the man she has made love to."
Shocked again, she could only ask, "Truly?"
He didn't answer.
"But, sir you have yet to tell me what this awful price is a woman would have to pay."
He pointed to the tip of his nose. "I would have no say in it, you understand."
"No, I…I don't understand. You would have no say in what?"
