First Rider was quiet for so long, Liliann thought he was stumped and could, perhaps, think of no argument against her reasoning. However, at length, he said, "As you told me…once, until we learn…truth, you are my woman."
"But, what if the Black Robe says I be still married to Ernest, as Ernest has said I am?"
"Lies, lies! Nothing…it is…but tongues wagging by those…live at bad fort. Your father knows your Good Book. He…not allow you…marry me if he not know it well…know it right. You not listen to lies because…Maká pato'si is evil-spirited man. He dishonored you. He telling lies. You should not listen."
"Then, why does thou want me to seek out the Black Robe?"
"To ease…your spirit."
"Oh," she said. Then she, too, fell silent.
"Come." First Rider again opened up his blanket to her. "Get warm."
"But, what if it be true? And, we find it be Tsistsaki? What then?"
First Rider frowned—not at her. Instead, he was lost in his own thoughts. At last, he murmured, "We not know enough…yet. Have known Tsistsaki all my life. She and…my almost-sisters played together when young. She not bad woman. You would like."
"Of course I be likin' her. Does thou forget I know her, too?"
"Being second wife…could be good for you. Not as much work…for you."
Liliann caught First Rider's glance at her, and inside she melted. Love, full of warmth and adoration, shone there in his eyes. It wasn't fair. She loved this man with every bit of her heart. And, oh, how she wanted to give in and cuddle up to him, lay with him, give him all the love and admiration she possessed.
Didn't he understand? Surely, he must know she couldn't lay with him.
She whispered, "Thou knows I cannot be a second wife to thee. Nor can I lay with thee knowin' that we very well might besoon partin'. Even though I understand why thou must honor thy word of honor, even thou must see the possibility is great that we must leave one another. Yes, I still be married to thee, and this be God's own truth. But, if I lay with you and make love to you, knowin' all the while thy promise might be bringin' Tsistsaki back into thy life, it would be as though I am deserting me own standards and my faith in the Creator, as well as all I believe is good and right. Love thee, I do. Wanting to make love to thee, I do. But, until we know the truth, I cannot lie with thee. We be married for now, aye. But, until we know about Tsistsaki, we must be careful to do nothin' to be stirrin' up the passion a'tween us."
Liliann looked up to see what effect, if any, her words might have had upon First Rider. But, he wasn't even looking at her. He was staring into the fire as though it held some mystical power over him.
She asked, " Could thou be me own friend until the truth be fully known?"
First Rider's answer was a deep sigh, and when he at last brought up his head to look at her, she saw all the passion of the deep and real love for her, there within his gaze. The same yearning stirred within her heart, too, and, oh, how she wished she could make love to him, here and now. She wanted it; he wanted it. But, if she were to desert all she knew to be good and right, what would it do to her?
At last, First Rider answered her question, and, with his dark eyes looking directly at her, he said, "Honor you, I will. Friend…you want. Friend I…am. But, before we put love away from us, I tell you…from heart…I love you…true. I long…tell you I not honor promise. But, if this I do, it go…against what I know…right."
So much of the fervor of their romance was in his voice that his words caught, as though he could barely speak them.Indeed, it seemed he wished to say more, but was incapable of voicing the words. But, before he looked away from her, she beheld the tears in his eyes.
And, truth be known, she was crying, too. She hadn't even realized there was a wetness within her own eyes.
What were they to do? Both of them believed in their deeply held rules of behavior, of right and wrong. That they conflicted, one with the other, was tearing her apart.
At last, First Rider took a deep breath, turned to look at her and said, "Even friends share their warmth…in blizzard. It difference between survive or die." Again, he opened up his blanket and murmured, "Come close. I honor what you say."
"I, too. I honor what thou must do. I wish…I wish…" She, too, couldn't speak of what was in her heart; in truth, her voice was shaking, too.
He nodded. It was all he did. Then, again he opened his blanket, saying, "Come, we share…warmth."
Sitting up to her knees, she scooted around the fire toward First Rider and, cuddling up into his arms, she felt him close the blanket around the two of them. She rested her head against his shoulder and closed her eyes.
Being so close to him was like finding heaven…though it was a lost heaven. Indeed, her sense of the loss of this man was so devastating, so overwhelming, that for a moment she tried to justify why it wouldn't be an act against her faith to make love to him. And, in her mind, she tried to envision a reason why it would not be an action she might regret. After all, they loved one another; why not enjoy this man's love while she could? And, truly, they had committed themselves to one another in marriage.
First Rider was here right now; she was here. They loved one another, and, indeed, she might likely love him for all her very existence.
Wasn't this enough?
Closing her eyes, she knew the answer to her own question. Silently, she cried.
****
