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‘Fine.’ She turned to face the window. ‘Who am I to turn down a free vacation?’
‘All right.’ He felt gratified yet uneasy, because he knew Zoe had to be drowning in an ocean of grief. He didn’t know how to access it, how to help her. He felt like he was drowning himself. ‘I think you can be discharged tomorrow, so I’ll arrange a flight.’
‘Fine.’
‘All right.’ He hesitated, wanting to say something more, something of the grief inside him that he didn’t like to probe too deeply, didn’t even really understand. She was still stubbornly looking away from him, and with a little sigh he headed for the door. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’
No response. Yet as he started walking down the hall some impulse made him turn around, head back. As he came round in the door he saw Zoe holding the bouquet of lilacs to her face, her eyes closed, and something in him twisted. She let out a ragged sob, and without even thinking he started towards her, his arms outstretched.
‘Zoe…’
She looked up, her eyes sparkling with both tears and fury. ‘Go away,’ she hissed. ‘Leave me alone, Aaron.’ She turned away again and, both shocked and hurt, Aaron dropped his arms. Without another word, he turned and left.
Hold it together. It was her mantra, her prayer. Hold it together, because if you don’t you will completely fall apart and there might be no getting you back together again.
Drawing a deep breath, Zoe shoved the bouquet back on the bedside table. She blinked back the tears that had risen so readily to her eyes and felt a cold calmness seep through her once more. Good. This was what she needed. She was glad Aaron had gone. She needed him to leave her alone, because she could not keep it together with him near her, trying to be kind.
Twenty-four hours later, still feeling weak, achey and incredibly tired, Zoe boarded Aaron’s private jet for St Julian’s. They had barely spoken since he’d picked her up at the hospital and taken her in his limo to the airport, and Zoe was grateful for the reprieve. His attempts at kindness felt like salt in a raw wound, every smile or worried frown hurting her.
It hurt that he was now practically giving away the kindnesses and thoughtfulness she’d craved when she’d been pregnant and planning to marry him. And why? Because of his wretched sense of duty—or a labouring guilt?
Either way, she couldn’t stand it. Her only defence was to feel numb, empty, even though she knew all those awful emotions—grief, rage, despair—lurked underneath that emptiness, like freezing water under the thinnest ice, and she did not dare touch the surface for fear those tiny hairline cracks would appear and she would drown in the depths below.
She’d become like Aaron, afraid of her own emotions. Hiding from them, because it was the only way she could cope.
‘It’s about a four-hour flight,’ Aaron said as he took her elbow to help her manage the stairs up to the plane. ‘There’s a bedroom in the back,’ he added as she stepped inside, distantly amazed by all the luxury: leather sofas, teak coffe tables and a sumptuous carpet that came up nearly to her ankles. She could hardly believe she was on a private jet…and she didn’t even care. ‘Do you want to rest?’
Zoe nodded. Rest was good. Rest meant sleep, which meant not talking, not even thinking. ‘Yes, thanks. I’m still feeling pretty wiped out.’
‘Of course you are,’ Aaron murmured and, still holding her elbow, he led her to the bedroom in the back with a king-sized bed and en suite bathroom.
‘It’s like a hotel,’ Zoe managed as she sank onto the silk duvet. ‘A hotel in the sky.’
‘And perfect for moments like these,’ Aaron said lightly. ‘Let me help you.’
She watched, surprised and yet still numb, as he sank to his knees in front of her. ‘You don’t have to,’ she began as he slipped off her shoes.
‘I want to,’ he said in a low voice, and she wondered what this was. Atonement? Did he feel guilty, as if somehow he’d brought this on her, on both of them? He hadn’t wanted their baby, and now they didn’t have it anymore.
Illogical, she knew, and yet it was a thought that had crept into her mind all too often. With effort she slid her legs up onto the bed. ‘I’m fine.’
‘You keep saying that.’
Because, if I keep saying it, maybe I’ll believe it. Maybe it will be true. ‘I just want to sleep.’
‘Okay.’ She watched as Aaron peeled back the duvet and then, before she could protest, he lifted her as gently and easily as if she were a doll and placed her beneath the covers, tucking them over her with a tenderness she hadn’t even known he possessed. She wished he didn’t, because he was making everything so much harder.
She turned her face away, felt the starchy coolness of the pillow against her cheek, and closed her eyes.
‘I’ll let you sleep now,’ Aaron said. ‘I’ll wake you up before we land.’
And then he was gone, the door clicking softly shut, and Zoe let herself tumble into blissful oblivion, the only thing she wanted now.
When she woke the room was dim, the curtains drawn against a blazing blue sky. Although she couldn’t see him, Zoe could feel Aaron’s presence in the room, knew he was watching her. She blinked, stirred, and he leaned forward, coming into her vision.
‘We’ll be landing in about half an hour.’
She nodded, and she felt Aaron’s cool fingers brush a wisp of hair from her face and tuck it behind her ear.
Instinctively she turned away. ‘Don’t.’
‘I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?’
Your kindness hurts me. She could hardly say that, couldn’t explain even to herself why it did. Only that Aaron’s thoughtfulness, his sudden sensitivity, felt like a knife twisting in her gut, in her heart.
‘Do you want something to eat or drink?’ Aaron asked when she hadn’t replied to him.
‘Tea,’ Zoe managed and closed her eyes again. ‘Please.’
Aaron brought her tea a few minutes later and left as soon as he’d handed it to her, which made Zoe feel both relieved and disappointed. How, she wondered, was she going to manage the next few days with him? Even those first days in his apartment hadn’t been as awkward, as painful, as this.
Perhaps she should have gone to Millie and Chase’s, yet even now that prospect made her insides sour. After her argument with Millie, she could hardly bear to slink back to her, a screw-up yet again. She knew Millie would have been kind, understanding, and would have never even have thought ‘I told you so’. Yet even so…
Zoe couldn’t do it. She would rather be here, even if it meant this unbearable awkwardness and tension with Aaron.
She finished her tea and tidied herself up, brushing her hair and even managing a bit of blusher and lipstick. She looked awful, she saw as she gazed in the mirror: pale and haggard, with vivid purple shadows under her eyes. Sighing, she turned away. Her appearance hardly mattered now.
Aaron was seated in the main area of the jet and Zoe came in and sat across from him. ‘The airstrip is on the edge of the resort,’ he told her. ‘We’ll have a car waiting for us. You should be settled in the villa within the hour.’
‘Thank you,’ Zoe murmured. He was making everything so easy for her.
Twenty minutes later they’d landed, and just as Aaron had promised a luxury sedan was waiting on the tarmac. He helped her inside, sliding in next to her, his thigh brushing hers before he murmured an apology and moved away.
Tears stung her eyes and she blinked hard. She hated how stupidly emotional she was being, how everything felt sad, like an ending, even that little, courteous rejection.
The villa was utterly amazing, as Zoe had known it would be. Set a little apart from the rest of the resort’s lush grounds, its living room had sliding glass doors leading straight to the beach on one side, and a private terrace and pool on the other. There were three bedrooms, all luxuriously appointed, and a gourmet kitchen already stocked with food.
‘I tried to order what you liked,’ Aaron said. ‘Tea, dairy-free ice cream…And, of course, you can order anything from any of the hotel’s restaurants and it will be delivered.’
‘It all sounds amazing.’ And thoughtful, yet she supposed that shouldn’t surprise her. Aaron had, in his own way, always been thoughtful. He considered every angle, every possibility. And now his kindness stung. It’s too late, she wanted to cry. Scream. It’s too late. There’s no future for us now; making me love you will tear me apart even more.
‘I think I’ll just change,’ she said, because her loose fleece and sweatpants—she’d needed comfortable clothing for the plane—felt too warm in the sultry tropical air.
‘Of course. There are clothes in the main bedroom.’
He’d given her the master bedroom, and the wardrobe was full of brand-new clothes: sun dresses and swimsuits; shorts and capris; silky, expensive-looking T-shirts, all in the bright colours she loved.
A few minutes later she’d changed into a T-shirt and capris and came out to see Aaron at the dining-room table with his laptop. He’d changed into a polo shirt and cargo shorts, the most casual clothes she’d ever seen him in. He looked as good in them as he did in black tie, the shirt hugging the sculpted planes of his chest, the shorts riding low on his lean hips.
