“Why . . . why did you shut me out?”
Ryker sucks in a breath hard enough it whistles. I know it’s him, he’s much more forthcoming with his reactions than Liam.
“We couldn’t handle it . . .” Ryker says.
I ease myself down until my head is supported by my rucksack. My chest aches, but I keep my hand splayed over my sternum to feel it rise and fall.
“You couldn’t handle being my best men?”
“We couldn’t handle watching you get married, not with how we feel about you.”
“We’re best friends.”
Ryker sighs. “Yeah, of course we are, but for us it’s more. We’ve always wanted it to be more, and we were okay with it not progressing that way—you’re straight, we’re not—but then . . . marriage.”
“I’ve had girlfriends before, and you’ve not cut me off.”
“Marriage, Freddie,” Ryker says. “I know that’s final for you, and neither of us could’ve handled standing at the alter with you and watching you declare your love for someone else.”
“You wouldn’t have gone? You wouldn’t have been there at all?” My heart thumps against my ribs. They’re already weak from the panic attack. I have mental images of them splintering and bursting through my chest, but I don’t care, I’ve got to keep going. “Is that why you pushed me away? So I’d hate you—so you’d have your reason not to go?”
“Freddie—”
Ryker attempts to cut in, but now the words are flowing I can’t stop them.
“Then what? What would've happened next? You would never have spoken to me again? Is that what you wanted? For eighteen years of friendship to end?”
“We didn’t want that. Wedon’twant that.”
“Do I mean so little?”
Ryker coos in sympathy. “You mean everything.”
“You weren’t there!”
I squeeze my eyes shut while inwardly counting to ten. A few minutes ago, I’d been struggling to breathe, but now my lungs are pumping air in and out with too much force, and it leaves me lightheaded. I press my lips together, but air leaves my nose in a rush, like I’m an angry bull about to gouge its tormentor.
“You weren’t there, and I needed you, and I didn’t understand what I’d done wrong.”
Liam comes back viper fast. “You did nothing wrong.”
“It’s us,” Ryker says. “We fucked up, okay, big time. And we want to make it right. We want to fix this.”
“And go back to how we were?” I ask.
They don’t reply for a long time, and I wonder if there’s a silent conversation going on between the brothers. Then Ryker sighs. “No, I mean yes, of course, if that’s what you want . . . back to normal . . . but yesterday . . . the day before . . .”
A blush warms my cheeks. I know what he’s referencing.
The two times they contained my hurt and anger with physical touch.
The two times they made me come.
“Things are happening between the three of us,” Ryker says softly.
“But you can’t . . .” I pause, wet my lips, then continue. “You can’t possibly wantme?”
Ryker laughs. “We do. Have done for a long time.”
