I haven’t touched a drink since, haven’t even had the desire to most days.
With sobriety, I also stopped hooking up with random women all the time, trying to fill some void I had physically, while avoiding any intimacy. That part just kind of naturally happened when I stopped drinking and getting high at parties. Mainly because I always needed something to be numb enough to take girls home in the first place. When I stopped getting blacked out drunk, I had no desire to have real conversations with women. I didn’t want to care about anyone else; I didn’t want to get attached, and I didn’t want to date, so…there really wasn’t any other appeal to sex without all the things that made it easier not to care about who I was in bed with.
I started focusing on myself, my healing, my studies, and my walk with God. Eventually, it turned from something that just happened to a promise I made. One I never thought I would make, simply because I never saw a long-term relationship or marriage in my future. I didn’t want it. So the thought of never having sex because I didn’t want a committed relationship sounded crazy. When I made that promise, I knew I had to accept either never having sex again or having to be open to a serious relationship and marriage.
I’m still working through that part now—the fear of letting someone that close to me, and caring about someone enough to risk the pain of possibly losing them.
You see, the pain of losing my sister—the closest person to me—made me want to shut off all my feelings for other people. I never wanted to let anyone hold that kind of power over me to break my heart like Isabel did. I allowed that pain to build a brick wall around my heart.
I had rules. Hook-ups—no relationships. Acquaintances—no close friends. The only people I still cared about were, by default, my parents, and I had enough anxiety about losing them one day. I couldn’t stomach the thought of having anyone else I would have that kind of anxiety over with as well. But here I am now, a year later, with an amazing group of friends who I would actuallydiefor. I care about them that much. And yeah, obviously, I’m not in a relationship, but my hearthassoftened to the possibility of one. I just haven’t met the right girl yet. I know I’m still young, and in school, and even when I graduate, I’ll be going back for grad school, but when Ido decide todate, I’m dating for marriage. I want to wait to give myself to the right woman again, one I can give my heart to as well. Not a random fling, not another person I just give access to myself without even caring about them.
* * *
The murmur of conversations, the clinking of plastic cups, and the sound of the football game playing on the TV fill the room. The celebration has been pretty fun and even relaxing, a major contrast to the chaos that had filled my life just a year ago.
I settle deeper into the couch with a plate of food in front of me. Around me, guys from the men’s group and some of my college friends mingle together—laughing, talking, and watching the game. Genuinely good company, not people I need to be plastered around to like.
A couple of the guys gathered around, either making speeches, offering some words of encouragement, or just giving a silent pat on the back in support. It felt comforting, this reminder that I wasn’t alone. I guess I never really have been like I used to make myself believe I was—only in my mind.
The game wound down, and as the room thinned out, I felt a calm wash over me. One year sober. One year of choosing a more fulfilling life, even when it was tough to give up that control some days. One year of walking away from the dark and wanting to be closer to the light, a light I’m still learning to trust, but a light that’s giving me hope.
37
Lydia
“I GOT INTO DELTA GAMMA!” Simone yells, bursting into our dorm room.
“AHHHHH!” I scream, getting up from my bed and sprinting over to hug her.
Lani jumps up from her bed too, squealing and smiling with that wild grin of hers, and I can’t help but smile too, caught up in all the contagious energy.
“Our little Greek girl!” Lani coos, still bouncing with excitement.
I plop back down on the bed, rolling onto my stomach, and resting my head on top of my hands, pretending to be a little pouty. “Does this mean you’re gonna forget all about us now and only wanna hang out with your new ‘sisters’?”
Simone walks over and smacks my arm, making my head fall. “Never! But, I mean… youbothcould…” She looks between Lani and me deviously, “rush next year and be with me!”
Lani makes a fake gagging motion, and I laugh, rolling onto my back. “Ummm…I don’t thinkI’msorority material, babe.”
“Lies!” both Lani and Simone say in sync.
I roll my eyes at my delusional friends. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know the bright, bubbly,verycolorful, andverycharismatic sorority girls were looking for a black sheep to join the Delta Phi Sigma square root of sixty-four sorority house.”
Lani laughs, and Simone sucks her teeth at me. “Shut up, you’re not a black sheep. You’ve really stepped out of your shell a lot recently, Lydia. I mean, look at you, you don’t even stick to your all-black—still cute—but grunge style anymore…and you’re hot! You’ve always been hot! Any sorority would kill to have you in their house. Trust me. You’re a catch.”
“I won’t…” I say sarcastically while laughing. “But thank you for the daily confidence boost, Simone.”
“I’ll keep boosting up your head until you start to believe for yourself that you really are the prize around here.”
“What would I do without you?”
“You’d still be a baddie. You’d just be a baddie without a baddie best friend who loves you and is always here to hype you up.”
“That would be a true tragedy,” I tell her as I get back up to grab my phone.
“Will y’all go with me down to Greek row to the Gamma house before class? I want to introduce you two to some of the girls and grab some shirts they had made for tonight’s mixer.”
“I’m down,” Lani tells her.
