She looks up at me and smiles, not a hint of anger in her eyes. “Morning, babe. How was the party last night?”
I look over at Lani nervously, then right my face, not to give anything away. “You know, just a party. Same as any other. You really didn’t miss out on anything special.”
Once we’re across campus, we all hug, say goodbye, and go our separate ways for the day. I head into the library, dreading anything that requires me to focus right now. My head is pounding, my limbs feel like there are bricks attached to them, and I can barely keep my eyes open. I don’t know if there’s a pick-me-up strong enough to fixthisshit.
Once I find a table at the back of the library, I set up my laptop and books, put my headphones in, and pull my hood over my head, trying to block out some of the shitty fluorescent lights that are making the ache behind my eyes even worse. I don’t know how far I get into studying before my arms are folded on top of my books and my head is down.
I jolt awake at the contact of someone’s hand on my shoulder, and I sit up. I’m still pretty groggy as I pull my headphones out, looking up at who it is. A guy stands there, staring at me, almost like he’s waiting for something.Did he ask me something?
“Did you say something?” I ask him.
The side of his mouth lifts in a half-smile. “I asked if you were okay. You’ve been out cold over here for a while.”
It felt like I just dozed off.Was I asleep that long?
“Um, yeah? Were you watching me sleep or something?”
He laughs at that, and it’s probably the best laugh I’ve ever heard.Damn,am I still high?
“No. I was in here when you came in, so I saw you sit down over here, then at some point, I guess you fell asleep, and when I was getting up to leave, I saw you were still asleep, so I thought I should maybe check on you.”
I can’t stop staring at him. I don’t know what it is, but he seems so familiar. I don’t think I’ve ever hooked up with him before, have I? I mean, I can’t be positive on that. He’s definitely someone Iwouldgo for, better-looking than any guy I can remember hooking up with. I feel like I would remember that face if I did. Geez, he’s actually so attractive it’s annoying. It looks all effortless, and like he doesn’t need totryto look cool; he just is. He has this beautiful shade of light brown skin, short, thick hair, perfectly tapered at the sides, beautiful deep brown eyes that have this spark in them, and the perfect amount of facial hair to look mature and put together. It makes me suddenly realize how shitty I must look right now, and how much of a hot mess he probably thinks I am—
“You know…since most people just come here to study or work and typically sleep back in their dorms.”
The infatuation cloud pops, and I give him an annoyed look for his attempt at a joke. “Funny,” I deadpan. “I just had a long night, that’s all.” I look around for my phone and can’t find it. “Um, what time is it?”
He pulls out his phone and tells me the time.
I jolt up out of my seat in a panic as I start shoving everything into my bag. “Crap, I’m so late for my class.”
He stands there, almost like he wants to offer me some help, but also not really knowing what to do. He almost looks amused at my frantic struggling. He probably thinks I’m a complete shit show.
Hell, I am a complete shit show.
I throw my bag over my shoulder and find my phone sitting in the chair. I grab it and start to walk away when I turn around to see him still standing there, watching me.Damn, he’s cute. I slowly start to smile. “Hey, what’s your name?” I ask.
“Bash,” he calls out.
I give him a confused look. “What kind of name is Bash?”
He laughs and shakes his head. “My name is Sebastian…but everyone calls me Bash.”
I start walking backwards, still looking at him. “Oh…well, thanks, Bash. You know…for checking on me.”
I know I have to go, so I wave at him and reluctantly turn back around to pick up my pace. I hear him say something else; I think he asked what my name was, but I’m too far away, and you can’t really yell in a library, so I just keep walking.
I need to get my head together. Focus on the rest of the day and on catching up with all the school work I’ve been avoiding, but now I can’t get his face out of my head, and I keep trying to place where I know him from, and why he feels so familiar.
41
Bash
The library is peaceful today, with just the occasional student coming in and out. Usually, this is the best place to study with no distractions. I run my hand along the back of my neck, trying to ease some of the tension that feels like a second skin lately, never letting up. Midterms are stressful enough on their own, but with all these new classes I decided to take for my major that make me do a lot of inward work on myself, I’m more emotionally drained than I thought I’d be. Between the classes that make me reflect on my own need to heal, and the classes that dive into trauma and the early signs of struggle, I’m forced to unpack all the things I’ve tried to force my mind never to think about.
On top of my regular classes, I for some reason decided to add clinical psychology, developmental psychopathology, and a trauma & crisis intervention course onto my plate, all in one semester. It’s like I thought diving in headfirst was the way to go, thinking it would be a walk in the park because I have personal experience with it. But learning and understanding are two entirely different things. I may as well have signed up for the longest and most intense therapy session, then told them to shove every hidden insecurity and dark thought I’ve ever had right in my face.
Yesterday’s class dealt with continuation from last week’s lesson on the topic of grief, specifically unresolved grief and its lasting impact. Yeah…that one definitely struck a nerve. My professor’s words have been stuck in my head since. Trying to wrap my mind around things I never realized or understood in my own grief.
