What is with people and pacing this tiny ass room? There’s literally nowhere to go.
“Screw this. I’m taking you to the hospital.”
“No,” I groan, forcing my eyes half open. “Don’t…please. I’ll be fine…I just wanna sleep, Lani. Please.”
“Then I’m texting Simone.”
If I could move right now, I would have jumped up and screamed at her not to do that.
“Lannn…fuck.” I squeeze my eyes shut, annoyed that she’s ruining this high for me. “She doesn’t need to know. She worries too much about me already. She’ll…she’ll just try to fix me…and I…I can’t be fixed.”
I turn my head and try to open my eyes back up as best as I can. Lani’s eyes are locked on mine, filled with tears.
“Hey…” I whisper to her. “It’s okay…I’m…okay. I promise. I know what I’m doing.”
“Youdon’tknowwhat you’re doing,” she bites out through the tears, shaking her head in disbelief. “How long, Lydia? How long has this been going on? Since that party?”
I let the weight of my lids fall closed again. “What party?” I ask slowly. “The one I almost got raped at because I’m such awhore?”
I feel her sit back down next to me and place her hand over my limp one, not saying anything.
“Orwhatparty are we talking about exactly? Andwhatare we actually talking about? When did the drugs start? Or…the pain?”
I feel something wet hit the back of my hand, and I don’t need to look to know it’s her tears…but she can save them. I don’t need them. They shouldn’t be wasted on me.
“Therewasa party I got raped at before, though. Did you know that?”
“No,” she whispers, letting me continue, or just not being able to get any other words out right now.
“Yep…” I say, popping the P. “In high school…and do you know who did it, Lani?”
“No.”
I let out a small, bitter laugh. “My boyfriend…the boy who told me…he loved…me…loved memorethan he loved himself. Heconstantlyraped me…but he…” I sigh, “he told me thatwasn’trape…that he was my boyfriend, so it…wasn’tpossibleto rape me. But it’s funny…the same fear I felt under that stranger…I felt with a boy who was supposed to…protect me? Love me? I don’t fucking know. Then, he killed himself in front of me. Realfun experience.”
“Lydia…”
I can’t raise my arm, but I still manage to lift my hand in an attempt to wave her off. “It is what it is. Don’t feel bad for me. Hell, the pain started loooong before he came around anyway. He just…took something that already…had a lot of…cracks in it…and then shattered it. He did what he wanted to…though. He made sure…no one else couldeverhave me. Let’s face it, no one else will ever want someone this…someone this broken. Even if they did…I don’t want them…I don’t even think I want to be…here. Why waste…my time with…a man?”
Lani pulls me into her lap, holding me as she cries. I lean my head into her chest and listen to her heartbeat. Something about it is so soothing. Hearing what a heart is supposed to sound like when it isn’t broken.
“You need help, Lydia…please. I can’t watch you do this to yourself.”
“Don’t look…”
“Not funny, Lydia.”
“Sorry…” I let out a sigh. “Let’s make a deal? If you promise not to tell Simone…I’ll stop, okay? I won’t do any more.”
“How can I trust that?”
I shrug. “I guess…you’re just gonna…have to.”
“Will you go back to class, too?”
“Now you’re asking for a lot…and honestly…I’m alittletoo high to be having this conversation…”
“I’m serious, Lydia. You can’t throw away your life and get kicked out of college.”
