We sit together in the shade, only a couple of yards from our friends. He keeps my hands in his, squeezing every once in a while to tell me I’m okay.
The buzzing and mean voices in my head lower to something I can deal with. My brain might be misfiring, but it’s still working.It’s just doing its job. It can’t really hurt me.
I don’t know if I’ll ruin him. I don’t know if I’ll ruinus. My brain is already doing the loops, whispering what-ifs and but-when’s. I’m still me. Still loud inside. But he wants to still be here. And I don’t know if I’m thankful for that or scared of it.
When we walk back toward our friends, he scoots me closer. I let myself enjoy and take in his presence and comfort, and when Simone shoots me a look—You good?—I nod, and when Mason pretends he didn’t realize he was still holding her hand in his lap, I pretend not to notice too. Lani tosses me a bottle of water, and Erik bumps my shoulder with his and grins, all silently showing their support.
Bash sits beside me and leans close enough to steal another little kiss that no one is supposed to see.
He murmurs into my hair, “You could never ruin me, Lydia.”
I wish I could believe him. I don’t, but I let the words try to sink in. I let myself just be here in the moment for a change, his hand wrapped around mine, andthe knowledge that I could run if I needed to…but I won’t.
Not right now. Not yet.
I want to enjoy any small moment with him that doesn’t seem damaged yet.
76
Lydia
I’ve been actively avoiding everyone since field day.
When I was back by myself, the thoughts started to suffocate me again. I feel like the past will never leave me alone, like I’ll never end this cycle. I’ve been keeping my distance from everyone, staying busy with school, and barely texting back…especially when it comes to Bash. And he’s given me the space. He always does.
If I ask for space, he gives it to me. If I ask for comfort, he gives it to me. If I ask for anything…he gives it to me. He deserves for me to at least give him my honesty.
Lydia: Can we meet up tonight after your group?
Bash: Of course. Where do you want to meet?
I don’t know where I want to meet. I don’t know what spot I want to taint with letting go of the best thing I’ve ever experienced. I don’t know where I want to break my own heart at.
Lydia: You pick a spot
Bash: Meet me at the group center, we’ll walk to a spot I know
Because I don’t know how to break a habit, and need this one last time, I text him what’s become my ritual when I’m down.
Lydia: Got a poem-verse for me?
A minute later, my phone lights up.
Bash: Psalm 139:11–12
“If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will cover me,’ even the darkness is not dark to You.”
I tip my head back at the slice of sky between buildings.If you’re up there, and you’re listening…and you care any…try to give me the strength to let go of one of the purest souls you’ve probably ever created…I wish you would have made me good enough for him.
I head back to my dorm after classes because, honestly, it’s the only place I want to be for the rest of the day.
The girls start their hovering routine as soon as I walk in. I feel like I have two helicopter moms now, always trying to make sure I’m okay, make sure I’m not drowning, make sure I’m not going to go secretly running away from my problems and get high, make sure I’m not gonna go try to kill myself…again. I hate how much I’ve made them have to worry about me, how much everyone always fucking worries about me.
We end up watching a movie with nail polish fumes filling the room and Lani’s thigh under my cheek like I’m twelve. They try to be casual about it, but their eyes keep checking my breathing like I’m an infant that might forget how. I tell them that I’m okay, that they don’t have to babysit me. They tell me they just want to hang out.
We all lie.
Then I call them hovercrafts, and they laugh. Simone is finishing up drying my nail polish when I check the time on my phone and tell them I’m about to leave to meet up with Bash.
