“What can I do to help?” Sarah asks, pulling me back into the moment.
Everything feels like it’s swaying. My brain feels uneasy. It feels like I’m watching everything happening, but I’m not actually here. It’s all going in and out of focus, and I know the feeling too well. I know the panic attack is trying to take over. I need something to make it stop, to distract my mind and my body, to quiet the noise.
I press my phone to her. “Can—can you call Eli? Tell him I need him. Now. Please.”
She just nods and searches through my contacts until she finds him and sends him a text.
* * *
He’s standingat my bedroom door thirty minutes later. The anxiety is still at its peak, and I just need him to make it stop for me. I nod my head at the door, signaling for him to close it, and then I lift the cover up for him to get in the bed.
It’s times like these that I’m grateful for the hands-off parenting Sarah and Mark tend to go with. They never care if they leave me alone, and they never fight me when I want Eli to stay over. They probably know I’ll find a way anyway, and would rather not deal with the fight. Either way, I’m thankful right now for whatever the reason is.
I pull him closer, wanting his weight, wanting the intensity that drowns everything else out. I’m desperate to quietly tangle my body in his, wanting it to pull me out of the panic, out of the rage, out of the pain. But somewhere in the haze, I feel it, that hollow place inside me widening instead of filling. His kisses make my skin feel on fire, yet the chill underneath doesn’t thaw. My heart is still cold and barely beating.
Eli dozes off with his arm draped across my waist, and I just lie there staring at the ceiling. I can feel my pulse thrumming behind my ribs and in my veins, but my heart feels oddly empty. The high I keep chasing, this fierce closeness I’m searching for, it evaporates faster every time, leaving me with a deeper ache.
I don’t know how to stop needing it, even when it’s not working.
22
Lydia
The room is still dark except for the strip of sunlight painted across the ceiling. Eli’s arm is laid across my body possessively like it always is. The weight feels more overwhelming than any of the bruises I’ve tried to force myself to forget about.
For a minute, I just lie there and listen to his breathing. If I keep my eyes closed, I can pretend we’re still just two kids who fell in love naturally. Just the girl who never fit in and the popular boy who never wanted the attention…clinging to each other, happily and blissfully ignorant of the pain that this relationship would bring.
I slide out from under his arm and sit at the foot of the bed, slipping on my sweatshirt, hair still a mess, and my heart feeling like it was slowly breaking inside my chest. I take my phone out, turn my camera on, hit the record button, and flip the phone over, sliding it slightly under the covers. I know what I’m about to say isn’t going to end pretty, and I need insurance.
Eli shifts behind me, waking up. “You okay?” he asks through that morning grogginess he always has.
Say it. Say it before you lose your nerve.
“We…we need to talk.” The words shake as they come out, but I keep going. “About…us.”
He scoots forward, rubbing a hand over his face. “Okay? What is it?”
I tuck my knees to my chest, giving myself a minute to get the courage together. “I don’t think this is working anymore, Eli.”
Silence fills the room. When he speaks again, I can hear the softness already fading. “What does that mean?”
“It means…I think we should break up.” It comes out so quietly, partially from me trying to soften the blow.
He laughs, shocked almost, then rakes his hand through his hair. “You’re kidding, right?”
I shake my head and look away, trying to keep the strength I’ve finally mustered up. “No. I don’t think this is healthy anymore, Eli. I feel so shitty all the time, and I’m constantly walking on eggshells around you, scared that anything I say or do will make you flip out on me. I love you but—”
“No,” he grits out, stopping me. “Are you serious right now? After everything we have together. You want to just what? Throw it all away?”
“I’m not throwing anything away. I truly do love you…but this just isn’t what I want. It’s not how I deserve to be treated.”
His mouth tightens. “I told you I was working on being better. You told me you would stay…that you loved me. You’restillsaying you love me. This doesn’t make any sense. Unless…there’s someone else.”
“What? No! Eli, this isn’t about anyone except us. The way you treat me makes me feel like shit! Why don’t you see that?”
Anger, shame, and fear all wrestling with each other in his expression. “I’ve said I was sorry. I’ve said I want to be better for you. I just need you to be patient with me. It doesn’t happen overnight, Lyd.”
“Sorry can’t keep being band-aids on bullet-size holes. Staying with someone and working through normal disagreements is one thing, but Eli, you’ve hurt me in so many different ways. It’s starting to make me resent you.”
