A muscle tightens in his jaw. “We’renotdone, Lydia.”
“We are…Ihateyou,” I whisper, throat burning. “I loved you, and you hollowed me out. You took everything I had, and I have nothing left for you.”
Something behind his eyes darkens. He lunges for me—then stops himself when two guys round the corner of the building. Students, witnesses…my guardian angels in this moment. Eli backs up a step and just stands there, staring as they walk by, never taking his eyes off me.
I slowly back away. “We’re over.”
“Lydia, please—”
“No.”
For the first time, the word felt like a lock finally clicking shut…and I’m ready to throw away the key.
“You’re a real bitch, Lydia,” he bites out, finally dropping the act. “I promise you…if you leave me…everyone will know what a worthless piece of shit you are. I’ll make sure of it.”
Tears finally start to pour down my cheeks. I turn, not being able to look at him anymore, and run across the pavement towards my car, forcing myself not to turn back around. I don’t want to see his face ever again. I don’t want to see his guilt. Hear his pleas. Feel the pain he causes anymore.
24
Lydia
It’s dead silent when I wake up this morning. No overwhelming dread, no panic, no fear, not even a single buzz of my phone from any missed calls or texts. At first, I can’t place what’s different or why I don’t feel the anxiety that normally sits on my chest, but then everything from last night starts to piece back together slowly. I’m shocked by how I feel this morning. There’s no pain, no hurt, no sadness…just…peacefulness? I don’t understand it. I think I’m just at peace with the decision to leave Eli…for good. No more going back. No more being guilted into staying. No more just letting time pass while I’m hurting and unhappy.
Sadly, the peace is quickly replaced with a wave of unease when I realize the only reason I was able to get a full night’s sleep was because my phone died last night, and I was able to fall asleep before the undoubtable flood of texts and calls from Eli came in after the breakup. I force myself up and drag my body out of the bed, shivering as my feet touch the cool hardwood. I grab my phone from beside my pillow and walk into my bathroom, plugging it in next to my vanity.
Looking up, the reflection looking back in the mirror haunts me. My eyes are red-rimmed, my skin is pale, and I have dark circles that almost look like bruises, reminding me that I don’t think I’ve ever known actual peace a day in my life. It’s just been one fucked up tragedy after the other. I lift a trembling hand, brushing it across the tender spot beneath my jaw where his fingers were days ago. The pain might almost be gone, but the memories are still just as raw. I wonder how long it’ll take to stop feeling his touch every time I move.
Turning on my phone feels like inviting disaster in, but I know I can’t avoid it forever. I watch as it lights up and feel the anxiety getting louder, waiting for what I know will be on there. It buzzes alive with an instant onslaught of notifications, just like I predicted.
12:23 AM
Eli: Lydia, please answer. You don’t understand what you mean to me. Without you, I’m nothing
12:40 AM
Eli: My head is so messed up Lyd. I’m broken. It’s not your fault, I get it, but I swear, I’m working on it. You make me want to be better
1:05 AM
Eli: I’ve never been good enough. My parents never showed me how to love someone. They cheated on each other, fought constantly, and ended up divorced…they taught me that love was pain, and that hurting people was how you keep them. But I don’t want to be like that anymore. I need you, Lydia. Without you, there’s no reason to even try
My chest tightens, and the guilt I feel in the pit of my stomach grows. I know what he’s doing. I know he’s trying to pull me back into his orbit, manipulating my compassion, and using his pain to trap me in the cycle with him. But, still, knowing it doesn’t stop me from feeling it—this awful ache, the relentless urge to fix him, to soothe him, even when he’s the one tearingmeapart.
1:24 AM
Eli: Lydia, please. I know you’re reading these. I can’t breathe without you. I swear, I get it now. I’ll do therapy. I’ll do anything. Just talk to me
1:26 AM
Eli: Katie was the worst mistake I’ve ever made. I never loved her. She was just there. I hate myself so bad for what I did
1:32 AM
Eli: She meant nothing. She wasn’t you. She’ll never be you
1:44 AM
Eli: I only want you. I can’t even think about life with anyone else
