Sitting down on the sand near the water, I pull my knees close to my chest, taking in a deep breath of the lake water air. This is one of my favorite places to go when I need to clear my head, and more than likely talk to Camilla.
I take another deep breath, trying to gather my thoughts and what I want to say to her.
“When will it get easier?” I say, shaking my head. “When is it my turn to be happy?Fuck.If you were here, you would have already told me how stupid I was being, and probably forced me to get my shit together…Ireallyneed you for that. But I guess I have to do it on my own now. I think that might be for the best, though. Maybe I need to learn that nobody else can show you your self-worth. You have to find it on your own. It wouldn’t be self-worth if someone else had to give it to you. I’m going to try to find it, I promise. And I hope I can make you proud when I do.”
* * *
By the time I make it home, I’m numb. I’ve been drained of all my emotions, and I just want to crawl into bed, hide under the covers, and not come out until I figure out how to be happy again. But as soon as I pull into the driveway, my heart drops because I see Eli’s car is parked in front of the house. I park in the driveway behind Mark’s truck, gripping the steering wheel until my knuckles go white. I watch him in the rear-view mirror as he approaches my car and then taps the window gently.
“Lydia, please,” he begs. “I just wanna talk.”
I step out slowly, scared of what he might try to do, but not wanting to show him any weakness. I just stand there, leaning against my car for a moment, staring at him with my arms crossed, visibly cold and disconnected.
“I told you, Eli. We’re done.”
He reaches out instinctively to touch me, but when I flinch, he freezes.
“I’m sorry,” he says quickly, hands raised in surrender. “I swear, Lydia, I’m working on myself. I’m trying.”
“I believe you.”I don’t actually believe that. “But you can’t do it with me. You need help, Eli…real help.”
“I know.” His voice cracks. “I’m in so much pain. I hate that I ever hurt you, but I honestly don’t think I can get better without you. Please.”
Tears gather in his eyes, and my chest aches for him. “You have to,” I whisper. “Because I can’t survive you anymore.”
“I’m so sorry,” he repeats. “I hate myself, I really do. I wanna show you the love you deserve. I wanna be someone worth you loving again. You’re the only reason I’m still here, Lydia.”
It physically hurts to hear him say that. “Please, don’t say that. Don’t put that on me.”
He steps closer, his eyes frantically searching for a way back into my heart. “Then don’t leave me.”
“I have to,” I whisper, trying to hold back my own tears. “I have to choose myself now.”
I quickly move towards the house and hear his steps behind me. Just then, Mark opens the front door, and he notices immediately that something is off. Eli backs away slowly, but I can still feel his eyes locked on me as I walk up the porch.
“You alright, Lydia?” Mark asks gently, staring past me at Eli.
I nod silently, turning back to see Eli finally giving up and heading back to his car.
Mark guides me in, and I quickly run up the stairs to avoid everyone and their questions.
25
Lydia
I haven’t spoken to Eli in days now. I’ve blocked his number, and I’ve avoided every social media message from several accounts he’s used to contact me on. I can’t do it. I can’t speak to him. I can’t go back.
I spend every day alone. I have no one. No real family—I mean, they try to be a real family, but I don’t know how to fit in here; I don’t know how to connect with any of them. I have no friends. Everyone has given up on me. And now there’s no Eli. The one I lost everything for is now gone too. He left me with nothing and no one. So, fuck it, and fuck him. I just keep my head down, go to school, do my classwork, come home, do my homework, stare at the fucking walls in this room…and just wait for the time to pass. Wait for the time to come when I can get as far away from this place as possible.
It’s late, and I’m lying on the couch, watching some dumb reality show, when I hear a knock at the door. It’s almost midnight…and I hate that I know his knock. I can feel my heart beating in my fingertips. I can hear each breath I take. I can see all of the warning sirens going off in my head.
Why is he here?
Despite my fear and my gut feeling to stay still, stay safe. I still find myself walking towards the front door, not wanting him to wake anyone in the house if he starts to get aggressive, trying to get me to the door. I just need him to leave. I need him not to cause a scene.
When I open the door, he’s just standing there, hood up, shoulders slumped, and quiet. He looks up, and even in the dark with only a small porch light shining on his face, I can see how big his pupils are. I let out a sigh, not wanting to deal with this…with him.
“Hey,” he says quietly.
