We end up going back to watching TV and talking until we pass out for the night, finally letting go of any of the worrying I was doing.
* * *
I barely slept. I woke up so many times; it was frustrating. I feel dead tired this morning, and Simone basically had to drag me out of bed and force me to get dressed.
After I packed all my things up, I tried to call my sister again, and it just went straight to voicemail without even ringing, as if her phone was dead or turned off. I had to ask Simone’s mom if she could drop me off at home on her way to work, and thankfully, she told me that was fine. She said she would make us all some breakfast first before we headed out. Simone’s dad had already left for work, so it was just us girls as we all ate together and then got in the car. Simone was getting dropped off at her grandma’s for the day, and we hugged before she got out.
“I’ll see you on Monday,” I tell her.
She waves and tells me bye before walking up to the house.
The drive to my house is pretty quiet. I’m always quiet around adults when I’m alone. I never know what to say to them, or how to have a conversation with anyone really who isn’t Camilla or Simone. When we get to my house, she pulls up to the curb and lets me out. I wave to her and tell her thank you for driving me home. As I’m walking up to the front door, I realize Aretha’s car isn’t in the driveway, which means she probably didn’t come home last night, leaving Camilla stuck watching Alexis, which is probably why she was too busy to answer.
As soon as I walk into the house, everything feels off. It’s cold, even though it’s barely just now fall time, which in the south still means warm weather. Something twists in the pit of my stomach, but I can’t place what it is. This deep dread quickly takes over my body, and I hate the feeling. I want it to go away. Walking past the living room, I see Miles passed out on the couch with the TV still on. I keep walking, heading down the hall into my room, where Alexis is sitting on the floor playing with her dolls, crayons scattered everywhere around her. Camilla is still asleep in the bed, facing the wall.
“I’m hungry, Lydia,” Alexis tells me. “Camilla won’t get up.”
I walk over and plop down onto the bed next to my sister.
“Camilla,” I sing-song, trying to get her attention. She doesn’t even stir, so I go to shake her shoulder. When my hand touches her skin, she’s ice cold—not just the kind of cold from not having the covers on you all night, but like, icebox cold. I quickly roll her over with both hands, and I suddenly can’t breathe.
“Camilla—Camilla!” I shake her harder. “Wake up! Please—please wake up!” I keep screaming, and I can hear Alexis starting to cry behind me, but I can’t stop.
“No, no, no, no, no. Camilla! Please! Miles!” I turn my head, screaming into the hallway. “MILES!”
A moment later, a groggy, half-asleep Miles walks up to the bedroom door. “What the hell is wrong with you—”
“Miles, CALL 911, NOW! Camilla isn’t breathing; she’s…she’s blue…she’snotbreathing!”
Miles quickly fumbles for his phone and dials 911.
Everything after that moment blurred. It felt like forever before I heard the ambulance sirens outside the house. I was still holding onto her when a paramedic had to physically pry me off. They tried everything: Narcan, CPR, they even brought out the defibrillator, but there was no point to keep trying by then.
She was gone. She hadbeengone at that point.
I couldn’t breathe. I felt dizzy and sick. I couldn’t even stand up, and when my legs finally gave out, a medic had to help me sit down against one of the walls in the room.
I watched as Aretha showed up and took Alexis and Miles out of the house. She didn’t even look like she cared when she walked past me.
Why does nobody care?
My heart was just ripped out of my chest, and everyone is just watching me like they have no idea how to help.
I don’t remember standing up, but when I see them lift her onto the stretcher with a white sheet over her body, I’m running to her.
“NO! You can’t take her! Please…I didn’t even get to say goodbye!”
I’m not sure if anyone can even hear what I’m saying through the painful sobs coming out of me.
“She’s all I have! Please!”
But what can they do?
They can’t bring her back.
They can’t stop the hammer that continues to hit the already shattered pieces of my heart.
4
