I had been trying to make an effort to build some kind of relationship with my mother, but after the first few interactions, it became clear that reconciliation wasn’t what she wanted.
Whenever we talked, she would make snarky remarks about my appearance, along with my lifestyle. In her mind, it was wrong for my brother and me to be living well while she suffered. Of course, accountability didn’t exist in her world. Let her tell it, we had stripped her of everything and left her for dead. Essex didn’t understand why I kept trying with her, and I couldn’t even give him a valid answer. I knew he would be pissed if he knew I had broken our agreement and brought her to our house.
She talked shit the entire time she was there as she attempted to guilt-trip me into upgrading her lifestyle. I’d admit to giving her some money from time to time, but it wasn’t much. Jazzie had a way of getting under my skin, even when she was the one in the wrong. I hated the way her presence still affected me after everything I had gone through.
“I try to stay out of it, but I don’t understand why you still entertain her ass. She’s still running the streets, sucking and fucking for drugs and a place to sleep. You want a relationship with her, but all she wants is for you and Keyz to fund her lifestyle. She has no desire to be a mother or a grandmother at all,” Essex fussed.
He was right about staying out of the way. When I made the choice to reconnect with my mother, the only things he asked were that I keep Noodle away from her as much as possible and that I not bring her to our house. I fucked up on the last part, but I made sure to keep Noodle away from her. She saw pictures of her, but I didn’t want to introduce her to my child only for her to turn around and disappear from her life. I had enough trauma from my childhood, and I was determined to protect my children at all costs.
“I know, baby. I thought she wanted to work on our relationship at first, but the only time I hear from her is when she wants money or when she’s trying to get me to connect her with Keynauri. He’s made it clear that he wants nothing to dowith her, but Jazzie doesn’t care. In her mind, she’s entitled to his money and whatever other benefits come with being his mother. It’s disgusting how delusional she is.”
“Honestly, you shouldn’t be surprised. Jazzie has never taken ownership for her role in anything y’all went through. All you’re doing is keeping a wound open for no reason. The only closure you need from her is to remove her from your life permanently,” he advised.
Deep down, I knew he was right about everything. Jazzie and I would never have a mother-daughter relationship, simply because she had never truly been a mother to me. I recently started therapy per Essex’s insistence and was learning so much about myself. We discussed the mother wound I had and how difficult it was to navigate being a mother while trying to make peace with my lack of one.
When I first got pregnant with Symphonee, I knew I wanted her, but there was a part of me that was afraid of becoming a version of my momma. I obsessed over being the perfect mother until it overwhelmed me and I realized that Symphonee didn’t require perfection. All she wanted was me.
I wiped the tears I hadn’t even realized I had shed. Being in therapy exposed a lot of emotions I had buried inside of me. Some of them I never wanted to face again, even though I knew I couldn’t fully heal until I did. I just wanted all of the pain to go away, but in order to begin the process of healing, I needed to acknowledge my trauma and deal with it head-on.
“You know I don’t like to see you cry. My trigger finger gets real jumpy when people hurt you, and I can’t control what happens afterward.”
I smiled through my tears, knowing my man was dead serious. He proved time and time again that my happiness was a priority, and anytime someone disrupted it, he was right there, ready to make it right.
“You are ridiculous. I’m gonna call her back, and I’ll meet you at home. I’m exhausted, so don’t be surprised if I fall asleep on you and this movie.” I yawned once again.
“Trust me, I expect to be the last man standing. I’ll be pulling up in the next five minutes, so I’ll see you soon. I love y’all.”
“We love you too.”
“Love you, Daddy! Don’t forget my ice cream!” Noodle shouted.
East promised her some ice cream, and his princess didn’t forget about anything except when it was time to clean up her toys.
“I got you, princess. See you soon.”
The call disconnected, and I was about to call Jazzie back when her contact appeared on my screen. I debated whether to answer on speakerphone because Symphonee was nosy and repeated everything she heard. Ultimately, I decided to answer and get it over with. If she started talking crazy, I would simply hang up.
“Hey, what’s up?”
“What the fuck do you mean, what’s up? I’ve been calling and messaging you, but you act like you’re so fucking busy. Where the hell are you at?”
Her tone caught me off guard because I wasn’t sure what her issue was.
“I’ve been running errands all day with my child. What was so important for you to call me back-to-back?”
“I’m at your house, and you aren’t here. I’ve been standing out here for twenty minutes.”
My heart damn near dropped to my toes because she wasn’t supposed to be at my house, and my man was on his way home. We had been doing so well, and I knew he was going to flip out when he saw her.
“Umm, why are you at my house? No one ever told you not to show up at people’s houses uninvited?” I pressed on the gas, racing to get to the house before Essex. The last thing I wanted was for those two to get into it. He hadn’t seen her in years, and it was for a reason.
“I don’t need no fucking permission to come to my child’s house. What the hell do you mean?” Jazzie yelled.
I wanted to cuss her ass out and tell her about herself, but I decided to wait until we were face-to-face.
“If you would have asked me, then I would have told you I was busy.” I tried to calm myself down, but anxiety was creeping up on me like an ugly nigga at the club.
“Who is the momma around this bitch, me or you? I don’t have to ask for shit. If I want to come over here to see my child, then that’s what I’m going to do. I already know it’s that nigga clouding your judgment. He wanna be your daddy so bad, but that mothafucka is dead. Your auntie told me all about how his ass was trying to run shit when you stayed with her. I don’t care how good he fucks that little pussy. A real man would never try to keep you away from your family,” she vented.
